Doubt of my Destiny

Oct 11

Father, suria was effortless today. Breathing meditation wasn't that deep. Shambavi was good. Aiyah, perhaps stop judging. They are all me.

Yday Sadhguru talk about relationship. Relationship becomes a chore when each party tries to extract joy from each other to fill their respective vacuum/needs. Relationship will be great if both parties want to give joy instead of to extract joy.

When u have either joy or misery, the need is to share. U cannot avoid relationship but u can decide on whether they are joyful or miserable rship. I tot of me, yea, there is a need for rship in me. I want to share my joy, I want to share the new me, the alive me. Suddenly tot of setting a meetup for all the late bloomers that now seek adventure. Will try that when I am back, can do a meetup.

Today I decided that I have enough of seeking. I just want to read the 7thunder card cos during weekend, bit lazy. Weekend is for me to chill out. So, now will do reading in the morning. Yday Life Spread really amazing. I had wanted to do one and it is actually in age 90.

Father, a tot came on my Destiny as a writer - to pursue intellectual pursuit. All the while since I was a child, I know I was meant to use my mind and not my hand. I know I was to use intellectual capability and not physical capability.
I think becos the intellectual creativity was not focused or grown, that's why I was so against physical work. When I don't do physical work, as if I can be intellectual as just I am. Again is the gap between physical work and mental work. Since I didn't grow mental, I cannot allow physical work to come up to narrow the gap. This gives me the illusion that I m still being myself.
Now I know. Father, a really tall order.
I cried during Shoonya cos not sure if I can make it. Also its not financially secure.