Feeling good

Oct 6
Father, woke up at 4 am, did my practices for 2 hours 40 min. So deep. These days breathing meditation, shambavi and shakti is so deep that shoonya seems light. But will see, possibly mind working overtime on d french guy. This mornin have imagination of going for diving with him. Doing my yoga and breathing meditation on the beach. Fantastic.
Was having such a good time in my dream that I missed my turning.

Osho
1. The Issue
Suppression
What u suppressed cannot face u directly, but from the dark side, they go on influencing your behaviour.
Find a healing outlet for the suppression.

Soul
Yea, I have suppressed my wound and it comes out as humiliating tot that resulted in envious emotion.

2. Internal influence that I am unaware
Transformation
The language of transformation can only be understood by your loving heart, cannot use reasoning or intellectual mind. Just listen, not bothering whether it is true or not. And a moment comes when suddenly u can see it.
Just allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there. Just accepting its "facticity". There is nothing more u can do. Transformation comes in its own time

3. External influence
Playfulness.
The moment u start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all of the burden on ur heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappear
Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be, and when we recognise this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.
You are ready for the fresh and new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon and u have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms.

Soul
True. The expat guy, I have no serious intention on him. I just want to play. Just a companion, a friend that have common interest, enjoy the beach, eating good food, having great coffee, easy and deep conversation, laughing at ourselves and each other, sharing our knowing about ourselves.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Inner Voice
If u have found ur truth within yourself, there is nothing more in this whole existence to find. Truth is functioning through you. Then you live as truth - alive, radiant, contented, blissful, a song unto yourself, a grace that does not belong to our mundane world, a ray of light coming from the beyond into the darkness of our world.
There are times in our lives when too many voices seem to be pulling us this way and that. Our very confusion in such situations is a reminder to seek silence and centering within. Only then are we able to hear our truth.

Soul
Yea, Diamond Heart talks about spontaneous transformation. And if it doesn't happen, then we need to act by doing, otherwise there will be imbalance.
At first tot to follow by Doing, quit job and etc. Then I tot, my path is meeting my Destiny. Just focus my energy on that.
Then did the Transformation Game, that tells me of my suppression of emotion. At first wanted to find how to address the wound. And then, just tot the wound is me. Main thing is not to let the wound influence my future.
Father, I want to be in abundance, so nothing is lost.
I don't want to be like the Brazilian who has nothing to lose.
My focus is on my Destiny as Transformational Leader.

5. Resolution
Controlled persons are always nervous because deep down turmoil is still hidden. If u r uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u r not nervous, cos whatsoever happens, happens. You have no expectations for the future, u r not performing.
There is a time and place for control, but if we put it in charge of our lives, we end up totally rigid, without any spontaneity or vulnerability in us.
If things gets a little out of hand, its probably just what the doctor ordered. There is much more to life than being "on top of things".

Soul
True. I have learned to accept my Control mode. I have learnt to switch it off and on. I know that when my wound is triggered, it will go auto control, and I would switch it on manually after the emotion of fear has passed.
Amen.


Evening
I am glad I met him before he goes. When I found out he left without saying goodbye, I felt I lost him. I missed him. Wow, I just met him once. First tot is I am weak, but second tot never mind, I am attracted to him. Like CEO says, u even forget that he is white. He is comfortable with us. He was open.
When I was meditating, I tot of diving with him and also having our chinese new year dinner with him. A tot came, he probably has one gal in each port. Nevermind, I am just looking for companionship.
A says I am pragmatic and afraid to dream for what I want, something like love. Well, I am dreaming about it.

Diamond Heart
If u think about ur life, with its problems and issues from the perspective of unity, u tend not to take things so seriously. It is from this perspective that true human value emerge. Love, compassion, truth and appreciation come naturally. You are not loving someone else; u r loving urself all the time. U never loves someone else. There is only oneness, one reality.
The goal of someone who is sincerely doing inner work is oneness, our unity which means that it is not just for u.
It is everyone and everything, and it is for everyone and everything.