Why outer ransformation doesnt happen to me (7)

Oct 20
Father, why am I judging and defending myself, even before I saw the mail. At first I tot I was judging the teacher, but on second tot, I am judging myself for not wanting to volunteer. And at the same time I was also defending myself.
Gut feel is I don't want to volunteer, but I guess this may not be what I think should be, that's why the guilt is there. Mmm, suddenly tot that before anger, there is judging.

Judge
Anger
Hurt
Guilt
Fear
Love.

Anyway, nutshell is I don't want to volunteer.
Ah, now I realised. Guess the fear is that until now I haven't transformed.
But now I know that I need not use others transformation as a comparison. I am not them. They may do the normal transformation, but they can't get into the depth of truth that I can.
Mmm, no wonder Osho card - Comparison.

Diamond Heart
Two main motivation to do the Work
1. Compassion. Awareness of suffering in one's life and in the lives of other people, along with the desire to be free from suffering.
- Free from something
You want to be free from suffering becos u love urself and this love takes the form of compassion toward urself.

2. Love. Wanting to know the truth. Wanting to know what is really happening here.
- wanting towards something.
This Work that we do is tough and almost impossible. So, it is best not to give yourself a hard time about it. You need to learn to be patient, to not judge or criticise urself when things do not happen the way u think they should.
If u r too pessimistic, u will create a lot of heaviness. If u r too optimistic, u will create too many disappointments. Balance is the way.
Transitory or superficial changes can happen in a short time, but real changes, fundamental changes that will last forever, takes years of work.
Compare yourself between now and a few years ago, don't do week or month.

Soul
Osho card on comparison. Very timely as I have been judging myself for lack of transformation. I am now at peace. Its true I may not have transformed like others but I have transformed based on my own personality, inwardly rather on outwardly.
Delayed gratification on food, lovely swim, less resentment on authority, less attachment to job and money, physically healty than I was ever before, so little worry. Sleep abt 4 hours instead of 7 hours. 3 hour afternoon nap instead of 2 hours nap.
Suddenly realised it was my Inner critic at work.

(Nov 28 - Finally touching my conscience level - going thru my issue on worry/guilt)

Diamond Heart
U need to encourage urself, instead of discouraging urself. So, patience is of the utmost important. Enjoy ur life as u go. You are not just working towards a goal and forgetting about what u r doing in ur life now. This Work is going to take a long time.
The nature of the Work is not to achieve a particular goal or a certain state. It is about growing up, becoming more of a human being, and actualising ur potential.

Soul
Amen. Both Osho and Diamond Heart on same track.

Diamond Heart
The ultimate objective of the Work is not to solve the usual emotional problems that everyone has. The basis of all emotional problem, of all mental suffering is taking appearances to be the only fundamental reality.

Soul
This is same as mine morning insight that judging comes before emotion of anger.

Diamond Heart
Emotional problem and psychological issues need to be worked on, explored and understood, so that u have an opportunity to do the more fundamental work, the work of discovering reality. If u do not work through ur emotional problems, ur mind will be filled with them. Your mind needs to be somewhat unburdened from these issues before u can even be interested in looking deeper.

Soul
This is the laziness card I got this week.
this poolside resort is not ur final destination. The journey isn't over yet. Your complacency might have arisen from a real sense of achievement, but now its time to move on.
I have explored all my emotional problems and difficulties in life has been managedI tot I would rest.

Diamond Heart
It is important to remember that our emotional issues, our difficulties in life, are not our basic focus in the Work. The point is not only to be free from them, it is to enable us to look deeper into what is not apparent.
The problems and issues will never disappears if u stay on the level of issues. The fundamental problem is an issue of identity. The basis of these problems is that we have a certain way of looking at reality. We r the elephant taking itself to be a mosquito.

Soul
Finally read the mail by teacher. As expected, she wasn't too happy and asked if she is asking too much. But followed by saying she herself alone managed it instead of now allocation to 3 persons.
I was able to reply her calmly and reiterate that I will be away and will only be back after her deadline. And I even went further to ask