Unfairness issue - feeling put upon; loss of authority

Mar 4 Eve

Father, I did have some tots on Z not calling me back and I will miss him when I am in Germany. I told myself that even if he doesn't call me back, doesn't mean I am not lovable. I am sure we r fine and we be back to usual when I am back from Germany.

I just got over the hoo hah with my mind on teacher and N and had a breakthru on the mirror between my mother and brother. It was just projection. I forgot that when my emotion is higher than norm, then it is projection of inner.

To my surprise, Z called back when I didn't expect it. .

Father, it was also the sense of unfairness I had on Isha volunteering. Why other people can back out? Why can't I? I guess this could also be why can't my mom let neighbour take my elder sis, why take me? Just because I have the attributes, why it have to be me that is being sacrificed? Why do I still have to volunteer after so many rounds of being 'put off?

Thanks to teacher and N, I will explore this. This being put upon and unfairness issue is still new to me. I want to get to the root as this is the cause of RA.

I also realised that I am not triggered by N cos I think he is foolish unlikeable person. He doesn't affect me per se unless I felt that he was encroaching and giving me orders. Then I will tell him off. Teacher is the one who can trigger me whenever she scolds me for taking a jibe or telling N off.

Father, I know its a feeling of being put on, feeling of unfairness.
How can I turn this around? Guide me.

A tot came. I am an adult now. I have the capability to turn the situation around. I stood my ground when my mother said I was not nice to my brother for having said that I won't let him have the master bedroom since I owned the house.

I didn't realise it but I was forced to buy the house. I was financially able to do so. I bought the family house and now have to take care of my parents and brother's family too. But that one I was fine cos my brother take cares of my parents. Guess this is why all of us have a feeling of unfairness towards my elder brother. He doesn't have to take care of parents, hardly gave them money and yet he got the best treatment. Again, mom said she is keeping the harmony in the house.

Mmm, a tot came. Is this love? If I want to compare, I does the same to Z too. With Z, he failed me time and time again but I still give him chance. Part of me holding on cos I knew he is my Cosmic Lesson and Reward card. And it was confirmed when I knew his lesson for me is soul mate relationship. With him my lesson was in letting go of control and trusting faith.

I can defend myself and said no to being good. If she harp on me being joy. Then I will tell her that if even such a joyful person like me can be triggered, then he must be really annoying. But I was not triggered by him cos he is quite harmless. Infact, I was triggered by the fact teacher allows him to continue and even more so for him to lead. She is backing the wrong horse. She disappointed me further by defending him whenever and wherever possible, condoning his action.

Soul without shame
When the spaciousness is missing, u have a very different sense about living ur life. U feel under pressured, hemmed in by the choices u make, tense in ur body, or held back in ur self-expression. The externals of ur life put stress on u, u feel trapped by ur schedules, ur commitment, the demands of others and ur own limited energy. Ur judge is active. It is at these times that u find urself consciously saying, "I need space!" or perhaps, "I need time to slow down, to relax, to take a vacation and get away from it all."

Soul
That's how I feel now. Previously only current company and Isha. When I have the new company, which I am excited about, I wanted to release Isha. But I was caught by M's transfer back to India.
I lost my 4 days week, my time with Z, my time in writing my stories and updating blog.
I was so happy with a 4.5 days week. I just need to breathe. To get away from all.