Why am I angry? My unfairness issue is triggered

Mar 4 Aft

I know why I was so reactive. I spend nearly 3 hours doing Isha things instead of appreciation, I got backlash.

I admit I was cheeky but the backlash from teacher was too much.

Called Z but he was sleeping. Father, what's the point of having an unreachable boyfriend.

Cried again and now I felt better. Just need to release the sadness. I have cried twice today and it is fine.

Of course, behind the scene, I blamed myself for putting in the jibe and cause unnecessary suffering to myself and jeopardise the approval process. I should be smart enough to know N is her beau and she is very protective of her. Anything on him, she is sensitive. Anyway, never mind lah. What's done is done. But it is proven that not only we need to take care of her feelings, we also cannot take a jibe at N in anyway at all.

Mmm, again the rationale me. The need to behave in a particular way to achieve the objective that I wanted.

Mmm, suddenly I realised that it was the child in me experiencing the feeling of unfairness. Its like the episode with my brother. I felt I was unfairly treated. I may have done 'wrong' by not resisting but he is doing totally wrong. And yet, I seem to feel the brunt of it whereas he didn't.

Suddenly tot of RA. Feeling put on. My volunteering is a responsibility and not a willingness. While I don't expect appreciation, I react when I got hit instead.

Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.

Affirmation.
I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.

Soul
Recently my RA symptom is back and I know its because I am feeling very put upon by the fact that I still need to do Isha eventhough I wanted to pull out. But at least now I contribute only when I want to.

Soul without shame
U r not a small child doing what it has to in order to survive a difficult childhood; u r a soul condemning urself to live out an endless pattern of deadening self-images. Only in that recognition is there the possibility of rediscovering the soul's true defense. Are u willing to stand up and be heard? Are u willing to stop the soul betrayal? Its time to say to ur judge; "Get the hell out and let me have my life!"

Soul
When I told off teacher, it was a reaction. But later my mind spinning non-stop on defense projection/guilt, that's my inner judge.
The one who pounce of me if I don't react "smartly and without emotion". I noticed that I attack myself whenever I feel either anger or sadness. On sadness, I am better equipped now and learned to expressed and release it cos after sadness is laughter. But on anger, it is still difficult. After expression of anger, there is loads of attack on me. I felt bad for expressing anger or annoyance.

Even that day, the case with Zee. After I raised my voice in anger, I felt bad. I rein it back and got myself in control.
I hate it when I got angry. I hate it when I am not in control. That's why I valued emotional control. And for anyone to breach my tolerance, it will be very great.
Even with strangers, I don't really get angry, I just walked out. With friends, also seldom. With staff, I have learned to express my anger a couple of years ago. And now with peers, I am learning.

Such irony. I tot I am able to be assertive, be able to say No. But looks like it is only for work.

Behaviours that bugged my parents:
1. Being angry
2. Being sad
3. Being emotional
4. Being not helpful, not nice
5. Being fair - we must always be helping rather than needing help.
6. Being fair - blood is thicker than water. Having to give way to my elder brother and sister in law everytime. Eventhough they r the one hurting us, still we cannot retaliate. When we retaliate, we r accused of breaking the harmony of the family eventhough they started it. I guess this is similar to my experience as a child with my brother. I retaliate against my brother but somehow I felt I was blamed instead for causing the disharmony, for having my brother move away.

Ah hah, that's exactly how I felt with teacher and N. N was being obnoxious and yet his behaviour is excused and when I retaliate, I was ticked off.

Father, thank You. At last the Queen of Spade - self mastery for today show up.

The feeling of unfairness has been inside me for so long and now teacher and N is there to let me release it. Now was she unfair? Yes. Is it because I am not lovable? No. She defends him because he is her beau. She defends him because she too was the target of such attack and whenever N is being perceived as attacked, she jumped into his defense. She was defending herself. Also, she has backed him for so long and to back out now would make her wrong.
So, it has nothing to do with me.
Father, I now feel at ease. A feeling of Ah Hah sounded in me. The mindless chattering from my inner judge has gone. Thanks to teacher and N and to me. But perhaps thanks to Sadhguru cos I was asking for his help when the chattering was over-flowing.