Nothing to lose - is the ability to lose all

Feb 22

Father, I am back. Did my asanas, it wasn't great but have some laughter. Shakti and Shambavi was fine and I had little tots. I find myself not hooked. I saw the tots and asked if I want to follow, I said nope and just focus on my breathe. I have a choice now in either to follow or not follow my tots.

On my lesson in "nothing to lose". I had an insight that "nothing to lose" also include losing Z. Only then I can be fearless in this relationship. I am not leaving him but I no longer fear of losing him. He and I have different perspective of this rship. I stayed cos I love him and I know he is my life's greatest lesson - both cosmic lesson and cosmic reward. I think we r great together and I want us to have a committed relationship. I want us to have a permanent relationship that includes our family and friends. He wanted a temporary relationship and definitely no commitment. And he also wants our rship to be private.
We both wants different things and I am bound to be hurt but at least I want to be able to express how I feel and say what I want to have from him.

There is nothing to lose on my side and now there is nothing to lose also if I don't have him.

Tot of the healing book

Rheumatoid Arthritis
Deep criticism of authority. Feeling very put upon.

I am my own authority.
I love and approve of myself.
Life is good.

Nose - stuffy
Not recognising the self worth.
I love and appreciate myself.

Fat arm
Anger at being denied love
It is safe for me to create all the love I want.

Soul
Finally I can see that Z and I are on different path. Because of that my feelings will be hurt. I am staying because of hope. He is staying because he is getting what he wants, an uncommitted relationship. I gave him that cos I was afraid to lose him.

I recalled I was reading about saying no to sex without condom. And the guy doesn't comply, withhold sex. I tot how can? I tried to ask Z but he said no. For me, withhold sex also not good for me as I want him. So, net net I was afraid to lose him and I cannot make a stand against him. Well, not really, he asked me to other things like introductions and etc, which I said nope straight off.

Well, now my new Insight is "nothing to lose" includes losing Z too. Just like my "nothing to lose includes losing the job. I am confident I will find new job, that I am valuable. Then the same I am confident, I will find new lover, that will valued me.

Z replied, "thanks for help". He is ignoring my msg. Of which I told him that his reply doesn't match with my msg.