Resentment - unfairness

Feb 5

Father, I have been having irritable bowel syndrome since a few months ago. And the problem escalate a few weeks back when I heard about Sadhguru's visit to Malaysia and alas in KL even. Now no way to escape. Now everything seems to irritate my bowel. Even dragon fruit which helps in bowel movement now is accelerated.

When I got a stomach ache and had to purge at P's place. She remarked that I could be having some fear issue.

Checked to Louise Hays:
Bowels represent the release of waste. New tot is to say "letting go is easy.
Bowels problem - fear of letting go of the old and no longer needed.

New tot patterns required - I freely and easily release the old and joyously welcome the new.

Soul
This is equivalent to my challenges of Nine of Diamonds in Ruling and Displacement of Nine of Diamonds in Destiny.

P said I self-sabotage. Why do I not want the bliss that Sadhguru offers? Why do I want to contain my bliss? Why do I want to suppress my energy? Why do I want to avoid Sadhguru? What do I fear?

(Soul - I am still in Isha out of gratefulness to Sadhguru. I am trying to break free as it is just an unknown foundation. But if I met Sadhguru, then I cannot escape)

Also I suddenly saw the item on appetite;
Excessive appetite - fear. Needing protection. Judging the emotions.
New patterns - I am safe. It is safe to feel. My feelings are normal and acceptable.

My appetite or rather my love for gourmet food is getting normalised as I am now able to let myself experience negative feelings.

Father, C said she is not ready to be sathsang guide. She said part of her wanted to but she felt she is not ready and she wants to wait till after Sadhguru's visit. She said she will get her answer with Sadhguru. Looks like she is looking forward to be with Sadhguru, unlike me.

Of course, first tot was why she can say No, why she didn't think of the Sathsang, why didn't think of Local Isha and etc. Or perhaps, why I cannot say No like her. For me to be sathsang guide, was just a job to do, that's all. My contention was more the loss of having the sathsang experience as a meditator. I didn't see this job as anything further than volunteering. I just know I am responsible to make sathsang as lovely and joyful as I have been experiencing.

(Mar 18 ; Father, I now know why I was unhappy with K, cos she can just let go of meeting without feeling any guilt. She has done it a few times. Good for her. Aiyoh, in future, whenever I have attacking tots, please think thru)

Anyway, C is good at the marketing booth; something I cannot do. So, each of us have our own strength.

Today St asked me about my hobby and I told her I like to write. I got my website and ebook on my experiences/insights. She asked to share. I told her that it is still private to Isha members. She then asked isn't the ebook similar to autobiography. If people don't know about me, why would they read about my autobiography. Shouldn't my first target market is the people I know, people who wants to know why I become such a joyful person. Unless of course, my plan is to write and not share since public won't be keen to read on me.
Yea loh. Again it is opening up. Such a coincidence. I just shared with my old school mates and now this sharing for St. Father, something here.