Nothing to lose, means willing to lose all

Feb 29

Father, a leap year, additional one day. I woke up feeling fresh at 3.16 am and I slept back. Then woke up at 4 am to do my practice. Suria was fine, my body likes it. Shakti and shambavi fine too. I was having some flying tots of Z that I don't want. Suddenly a tot came, only mind creates suffering and somehow all tots of Z fades out. I decided I won't be caught up with the mind.
Towards the end of Suria, I suddenly felt a wave of air in my lower stomach rushing out. I tot I wanted to vomit and it turns out that I wanted to laugh. This is new, laughing after suria.

Nothing to lose, also means willing to lose Z. So, I changed my plan to call him today. I have called so many times and messaged him but still no reply. It is enough, he knows where to find me. I feel rested. I am not rejecting him but neither will I pursue him. I want him but I don't need him. I am fine. I am safe and lovable.

Soul without shame
A true defense does not function in support of any self image, whether child of judge. It is independent of the mind.

Feb 29 Aft
For the second time in my life, lunch is after 2.30pm. I had a good concall.

No response from Z. This is the longest ever and even with continuous call from me. Well, today I decided I stop for now.

Evening
I felt fine and I called him. I nagged him for not replying. He said he was at business partner's place and it was too late to call me. He said tonight he will be having business meeting and luckily I called him.
Father, I am so easily satisfied. As long he is contactable, I am fine. I don't need loving gesture, just don't leave me. That's real desperate. Why I didn't think of asking more?

Just back from dinner, lovely time spent with Isha core team. This Friday, even if I take half day, I am fine. I just want to wake up later and have a nice leisure breakfast.