My confidence is not real

Mar 6
Father, did suria and my body loves it. It was effortless despite the slight pain on my knee.
When I did shakti and shambavi, there were tots of z and teacher. When tots of teacher came. I just let it roll and didn't participate.

I am feeling much better now. And the next time if she said we r to overcome our likes and dislikes, then I asked her first to overcome her own likes for N before she asked us to overcome our dislikes. Secondly, my tolerance level is so high that if someone annoys me, he/she must have serious problem. Thirdly if she keep on saying there is no leader, then I said why we have to follow her.

Father, I am glad this incident with teacher/N happens cos I can relived my past issue of hidden unfairness, my issue of not able to say No to my self-control.

Soul without shame
Many times in ur childhood, u were faced with a choice of whether to stay with ur own experience - what u were feeling as true and real or to turn ur back on that reality and adopt the one presented to u by parents and family. To reject the latter would have threatened u with rejection, isolation, abandonment, and possibly even death. Inevitably u choose to accept and operate within the consensus reality of ur familial environment, seeing others and urself the way outside influences mirrored these things.

Self-betrayal is another term for self-rejection, which was the result of distancing urself from ur own feelings as a child.

The more u see the process of judge in action, the more u see that it takes u away from the truth. U r not a helpless child, and all these worries and problems are not important enough to constantly bend u out of shape.

It is time to stand up and speak for urself and the truth of ur experience. It is time to activate ur essential strength.

Soul
True. I who seem to be so confident and in control and always dismissed what I don't want, is actually afraid of losing control, afraid of expressing my feelings and afraid to go for what I want.
This is the final call.

Soul without shame
The energy for active defending is available to u the moment u recognise that ur deepest nature is being constricted by the experience of being attacked. This strength springs from a desire to be free of frustrating and limiting identifications. Ultimately, this truth is nothing but the integrity and aliveness of the human soul

Soul
Will allow the release of my self control and to accept it and not feel guilty for having the feelings.

Soul without shame
This essential quality may begin as anger as the debilitating effect of self-judgement but it emerges as an assertive strength to be urself without the need for acceptance, approval or acknowledgment of anyone else. Most fundamentally, it is the strength to be urself without a self-image but with a sense of presence that is grounded, clear and vitally alive.


Soul
Its time I allow my weak self to show. To accept myself for feeling weak. Accept myself for low tolerance level. Accept myself for being afraid of new responsibilities. Accept myself for laziness, for procrastination. Accept myself for all the weakness in me. Accept myself for not showing up to the self-image I have.

My self-image
1. Confident
2. In control of myself
3. Emotionally strong
4. Smart
5. Perseverance
6. High tolerance
7. Ability to say no.
8. Not afraid of challenges
9. Can take new responsibilities, leadership
10. Kind
11. Well-balanced
12. Logical
13. Empathetic
14. Good communicator
15. Not good in romantic relationship
16. Good in work relationship
17. Love food.

Father, I am willing to release my self-image, especially the part of good self-control.

Soul without shame
Strength is the essential aspect that the judge is most effective at blocking - the part of ur essence that was especially undermined by the judgements of powerful adults. No u can begin a vital aspect of ur journey: recovering that compassionate, intelligent vitality - the strength essence.

The key is to respond to ur bodily experience, not to the words in ur mind whenever ur inner judge is in action.

Soul
I know. When I didn't want to go for volunteering and the judge force me. My mind was agreeing to it but my body cried out in resistance. I followed my body instead.

Soul without shame
When strength is present, u feel alive, awake and prepared to take appropriate action to deal with anything that stands in the way of ur living ur life. This quality separates u from old self-images that might lure u into engaging with the judge and also gives u the energy and capacity to stop further attacks or attempts of the judge to take control.

One of the most common discomforts of aggressive direct response to the judge is feeling that it is not nice and is even downright hostile or violent.

Yes, it is hostile, and its not nice - and for good reason, u r defending ur life. If u r constrained by the need to be polite and considerate, u will never grow