Settling down with with myself (5) - loving Z

Feb 23

This morning I woke up feeling tired, the same as everyday at 4 am. But today I was reluctant to wake up. Gave myself till 5 am and I exclude hata.

Of course, I still think hata is good and I will do it as it refreshes my body.

Yesterday unexpected visit to Z's house. Finally after 1 year plus. He has been asking me to go a few times but I resisted. This time I was ready and we had a great time and I wish I could stay for the night. But I know he can't cos his mom will be back. When he came inside me, I was feeling so high, tears flow and I can sense the love in me welling up causing tears to fall. And the pleasure is different cos its the feeling that gives it the high. Alas I understand what it meant by having both physical and being connection.

I don't know where we r heading but we both want to be together. And I know that alas I am able to express my feelings and I am no longer afraid of losing him. "Nothing to lose" equates to dis-entanglement. Then I can be who I am. Father, I look great. There is a serenity and youthfulness in my looks. Like they said, I don't look my age of 44.

Feb 23 eve
A good day. I am glad I attended the mgm meeting at new company. It gave me the confidence that it is big and expanding and I have a role to play.
I am also glad I met my boss's boss as I like him and I know he like me too. I think he is comfortable and know I can stand up to E.

Soul without shame
Ego's job is to maintain the status quo, to protect u by maintaining a restricted sense of self. If u expand or feel too good, the judge will give u a dose of reality; if u shrink too much or collapse, it will remind u that things aren't so bad and that u will survive. Its job is not to validate u, acknowledge ur courage, or appreciate ur pain.

Soul
Exactly my insight of loud husband.

Soul without shame
When u feel the presence of compassion for ur own hurt, u know it will be all right and u don't have to do anything, change anything or fix anything. Yes, the hurt is there and u can be with it because there is compassion in ur heart. Compassion arises from a heartfelt understanding of ur own truth and it supports ur willingness to be with that truth.
So hurt naturally brings compassion if the heart is not blocked, and