Settling down with myself (3) - expressing my feeling to Z

Feb 21 afternoon

Father, I have send a note to Z on his slight outburst of "game over" yesterday. I immediately took it as a 'cut' of our relationship. I think he saw my face change and he try to lighten the situation by talking about the BB.

But today I feel sad...its true, there is nothing to lose when I am with him...but somehow I remember all his comments on us:
- we are temporary
- he has loads of gals but all require money and he sticks with me cos I don't need money and infact sponsor him
- he is unreachable and I am only the one that still calls back.

He calls me twice and I was in meeting. But even I am not in meeting, I don't think I can take his call as I am feeling emotional. I don't want to break down, I don't want to lose control...Today, I am feeling emotional ...tears is just near my eyes.

I am beginning to evaluate me staying with him....he keeps on saying I am not important and the only reason we are together is because I m available and he doesn't have money to find new ones.

Now I realised what is keeping inside me. I am slow to react but his words hurts...thats me, keeping things inside...

Father guide me.

I know my nodes says that I like to shut down whenever I feel emotional..
anyway...I guess I need to attend to it...at least made him realise how I felt..It is not even on win win situation..is it s on win lose situation...

Not sure...but suddenly tot of my cards - suppression.

Father, why do I don't know I feel hurt at the on-set...I guess thats what is meant by auto-emotional control.

I don't feel like I have to continue just to prove I could do it. I have done it..but I am not sure I want to be in relationship that is not recognised, not appreciated, not given any importance at all, just a by the way...I deserved more..

I just don't want to prove I am more...

Internal Influence that I am unaware
The Burden
When we carry a load of shoulds and shouldn'ts imposed on us by others we become like this ragged, struggling figure trying to make his way uphill. "Go faster, try harder, reach the top!" shouts the foolish tyrant he carries on his shoulder, while the tyrant himself is crowned with an imperious rooster. If life these days feels like just a struggle from the cradle to the grave, it could be time to shrug your shoulders and see what it feels like to walk without these characters on your back. You have your own mountains to conquer, your own dreams to fulfill, but you will never have the energy to pursue them until you release yourself from all the expectations you've gathered from others but now think are your own.

Soul
I think I come to realise of 'appreciation' when I see how S cares for C. Also, of how both S and E appreciates me. I guess my Three of Heart is the tussle between S and C, old vs new office.

On another note...I guess the only fear is letting go of Z...what if I cannot find another...but then what am I losing as he is not giving me anything at all...not his time, nor his care, not his money..nothing....

Suppression
The figure on this card is quite literally "all tied up in knots". His light still shines within, but he has repressed his own vitality trying to meet so many demands and expectations. He has given up all his own power and vision in return for being accepted by the very same forces that have imprisoned him. The danger of suppressing one's natural energy in this way is apparent in the cracks of a volcanic eruption about to take place around the edges of the image.

Soul
Father, I am just sad...that he didn't appreciate me despite me being with him...eventhough i was afraid, eventhough i am not getting what i want...so, any action by him will cause me to think of 'rejection'...especially since he keep on telling me it is temporary...and we r just ship that pass in the night...and we r together because he doesn't have money to find another gal...
All those things hurts..but somehow i blocked it....anyway for now let me be sad that he reciprocate my love...
let me stay with this feeling of sadness...wish I m back home...so I can cry....again...

Yday Maha opens me up...opens up my feeling door...


Feb 21 Eve
Father, I had a good cry in the car. After that I felt calm. I tot of my normal modus opus randi of clamping down whenever I get emotional. This is me not liking that I am not in fcontrol.

I called him but no response. Part of me knew that he be unreachable. But I no longer take that personally as he is most likely sleeping. I also know of him disliking his phone after office hours.

Anyway, this time I didn't keep my feelings inside. I msg him as follows;
U know I love u but I also have pride too. It is quite demeaning to know that u didn't leave because I am the only gal who doesn't need money for dates and etc. U keep on reminding me I am only temporary with u. I know u don't love me, liking also I am not sure. My problem is sometime I feel hurt but I kept inside. Yday when u said game over, the hurt came back.