Jul 3
Radical forgiveness
Life always reflects our beliefs. We always create our reality according to our beliefs.
Soul
Last time I tot I don't deserve more money n attract companies that doesn't give me money. When we lost a major client, for the first time I said it is not me, finally it stopped. Then I used to attract/want challenges to feel valuable, then I said nope and challenges stopped at work.
What is now beneath is d loveability issue. Can't recall any rship between dad and I.
The 3 bosses from hell, all are somewhat intimidating, all create insecurities, all pushed people, all hated, totally unlovable. I always says they are deprived of love and seeking love in office. But despite all their unlovability, I always managed to see beyond and give them attention. Why why??? Is it becos I didn't love myself that I tot I deserve such people?? Why others shunned them, whereas I can still accept them??
It was my mirror as a Pluto card to all and sundry. But beneath is the unlovability issue n that's why I don't wan to pursue my destiny.
(Soul - My destiny card as a Queen is nurturing. but my planetary ruling is Ace is aloneness. Both are at different ends, luckily within same family, though)
Radical Forgiveness
All suffering provides u wit an opportunity to get in touch wit ur original pain and to see how a certain belief about urself was running ur life.
It gives u an opportunity to understand and change ur belief, thus healing ur original pain.
U made him wrong each time and u created urself as a victim instead, which made healing impossible.
Soul
CEO and close friend whom I tot would always seem me Ok, finally did a turn. It brings back d old belief that people whom I tot love me would turn their back to me. Jus like when I was young, very loved by my cousins and suddenly they were there no more. Jus like those neighbours who loved me and suddenly no more. Jus like my brother too.
Jus like my staff S who I given so much and respected me and suddenly turn her back on me when she got the new boss. She put him higher than me. She said I was jealous and I said nope. I guess d crux was not d boss, but was her turning away from me. Perhaps that's why I don't relish meeting her. She reminds me that I don't deserve her love even vs a boss who took so much advantage of her.
I guess that its was made me think that I mus be so unlovable that such a bad person is more lovable than me. Even now she says its ok for him to take advantage of her becos she hurt his pride at work. Can u beat that? I who only give her care can't even compete wit such a bad person. That's why I close up to her.
Everytime listen to her forgiving d boss, only makes me felt like a looser, so unlovable. I guess d other day when she says nope to all d dates and then even dictate on price of food. I reacted cos both J n Y wanted to be wit me, to show they care cos I care too. And here, she wanted to dictate price and date but is willing to be taken advantage of by d boss. That's show my unlovability.
Now that I can see that its my unlovability issue and whether I accept it. I didn't and manage to set a date for us.
Than when CEO, whom I hav given so much and suddenly attack me for d PA, all d old unlovability issue arise. I given her so much, oversee her fault, true d PA candidate was not first class but I don't deserve d attack. I begin to doubt her 'appreciation' then. I begin to doubt my lovability.
Then d close friend who wouldn't take my call in distress, make me doubt my lovability again.
Then d Universe, everytime give me challenges after challenges, make me think m not lovable. Of cos, when I realised and said nope, it stop.
Somehow I believed I am truly not so lovable becos they can turn back on me. That's why I never truly dare to open up and love cos they turn back. Everyone turn back. Why shld I open up when d love is not consistent. When d love is not real. When I am not really lovable.
Today, no one turn up except for my friend M. Surprisingly I was fine, I didn't think I was unlovable and infact I jus focus on giving myself love. Bought Inner child flower essence and was recommended a book on Radical Forgiveness, exactly what I need now.
Father, d anger I felt is that somehow no matter what I give out, is not enough. No matter how much challenge I faced, no matter how much I proved myself, no matter how many doors of subconsciousness I opened up, no matter how whole I become, its still not enough. Since d saying that if I m lovable, I attract my loving partner, that didn't happen too. So I am not lovable.
God never send anyone to protect me, he didn't love me enough, I have to protect myself (Of course now, I don't believe it so much cos he did send me Sadhguru, Osho and other Masters)
When my parents didn't share my sadness, I tot I wasn't lovable enough for them to open up. I wasn't lovable when I am emotional.
I am still not lovable. While I have experienced moments of joy and peace, deep down I still feel unloved. I admit the well of love is less empty. Perhaps that's why I can't look at it and acknowledge the feeling of unlovability.
Wit close friend, I stop thinking of my unlovability, trusting our friendship, trusting her love. She came back, said sorry for not answering call of distress, thank me for givin her space to settle her issue. Again, This is not about Me.
Wit CEO, I also stopped and didn't react to her nastiness. I know its her resentment. I stop myself from seeking 'love'. She came back wit a lovely bday msg and I responded to her abt my appreciation.
Father, I guess when 2 persons whom I tot is there turn around against me. Its back to the past. But this time I didn't react, didn't defend myself, didn't justify them, jus accept that I am affected becos of my unlovability. I told myself m fine and need not seek love. The situation turn around.
Father, I love myself and I acknowledge d well of love is not full yet and I will have moments of unlovability but it will no longer dictate my action. I won't be defending myself or attacking others, I won't take it personally.
That's my anger at God, at myself. I am angry for having to do so much to have love. I am envious of others who seem to hav to do nothing, even jealous of one who is so evil and yet can still be loved. I guess when d childhood situation happen, I concluded that I am unloved vs the other person. That's where it all started. I recall my anger at my parents, my family but it was not expressed. I tot how can I get angry, I don't have d right. At the most I can be sad. Getting angry means u think u hav d right for love but someone didn't give u.
(Tot of CEO always gets angry when she felt not 'loved' or appreciated. She gets angry becos she think she deserved it and we are bad for not giving it.)
For me, I can't even get angry. Even when CEO scold me for PA, I only felt slight anger. I blame myself for the 2nd rate PA, my poor judgement call. I didn't blame her for scolding me profusely over such small matter.
When close friend didn't answer my call of distress, I'd didn't get angry, jus sad that I am unlovable to her that she can't even see past her own issue to help me.
When my parents didn't acknowledhge my sadness, I jus felt sad that I wasn't lovable enough for them to see me through my sadness, to help to discuss the situation. And becos mom doesn't like sadness.
I even stopped that.
I can get angry at matters but I never get angry when I didn't receive love/appreciation. I tot I don't deserve them. Jus like I am fine wit no increment, even ok wit pay cut.
I can get angry for others, but not for myself.
I used to can't get sad for myself. But I have done so for past 2 years.
CEO at least think she deserve love, not I.
I do deserve love, I am lovable, I am good, I am fine person, I am a great person infact.
Father, thank u for letting M bought that book on body/sympthon. For letting me flick to RA page. LY said abt anger suppression which I dismissed cos I can get angry.
The RA section again mentioned abt anger and that got me thinking abt anger again.
What I didn't realise is I can't get angry for not receiving love. I tot I didn't deserve love. That's explain why I don't have a loving partner. The lowest part was d conman, which I turn around and says I do deserve some. And now I says I deserve more than some. I deserve loads of love.
Father, d CEO tot she deserve 100 percent love and I tot I don't deserve love. CEO think she can find love from outside and me tot there is no love from outside. CEO thinks someone will protect her. Me, long time given up that hope, m supposed to be self-protect.
We r real opposite n yet d same.
Becos I think there is no love that I can receive from outside. I create a reality that has difficult corporation/industry, difficult business, difficult work, difficult staffing, impossible bosses from hell, conman.
Radical forgiveness
Its purpose lies in seeing the truth behind the apparent circumstances of a situation and recognising the love that always exist there.
Jus text LY. The one who guided me to see d mirror of 3 bosses frm hell. The one who guided me to see my unlovability. The one who guided me to see my suppressed anger. And finally to see how I created my whole life of unlovability.
My text to her:
Hi. Jus wan to share. Thks so much for d book. I can finally see my suppressed anger. I can't get angry when I don't receive love. And that is becos I tot I am unlovable and hence don't deserve love. Today is my bday and new Life awaits me :)
Mmm, isn't this similar to my ex-staff. Isn't she my mirror. She can't even walk away frm d bad boss for taking advantage of her.
Father, I finally see my whole life of 42 years.
Now I see this meetup wit VF is for me and it is not for Isha. If it hadn't been for Isha promo, I wouldn't have approach LY, wouldn't have gone back to VF.
Father, I am lovable and from now onwards I attract only loving people and loving circumstances.
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