Valuation a measure of my lovability

Jul 12

Father, my wrist swell again. Most likely due to cutting of vegetables.
Father, suddenly tot of what I don't like most about people?
1. People who found the answer but won't act on it.
2. People who makes people feel bad for being themselves, can't help who they are.
3. People complaining non-stop, won't look for answer and expect others to give them.
4. People who suppress their experience.

Mmm, 1 and 2 bit contradicting.
Also, today tot of d socso half pay again. But don't wan to go there cos that its like dad. Don't want to try to overcome and leave it be.
Something here.

Radical forgiveness
Ego is also our friend. We need the ego to help us to fulfill our mission

Soul
That's what I believe. Yday sathsang sharing, when d guy says he has experienced bliss in evert nano seconds (I tot I was whole day wit him and yet I cannot sense it) and ask us to surrender to Sadhguru.
Well, I can't and not sure I wan to. I have my own path to follow. Besides I see all the masters, Jesus and Sadhguru as my elder brother and God as my Father.

Radical Forgiveness
Repression is a powerful mental safety device, for without this blocking mechanism, we would easily go mad. It works effectively that absolutely no memory of the feeling.

Projection
As soon as u find yourself judging someone and getting angry, u know u r projecting. Anger serves as the constant companion of projection, for you always use this emotion to justify the projection of your self hatred.
What u find so objectional about this person simply serves as a reflection of that part of u that u have rejected and denied in urself (ur shadow) and projected unto them instead. If this were not so, u would not be upset.
If u spot it, u got it!
When u own that ur feeling begin wit u, not with them, u will drop the need to feel victimised and realise that the person is doing these things not to u BUT for u - enabling u to take back the projection and love it in urself.
Though repression and projection are meant as temporary relief salves for the psyche, the ego co-opts them as the means to increase and prolong the feeling of separation.
Soul
Father, I am thinking to stop searching. That's why I didn't read anymore. But u gave me Radical Forgiveness and Nanak, both is inner.

Knowing my unlovability. I know how it arise and I also know when it can arise. So, how do I deal wit it? When do I get it over and realise I am blessed and loved and I generally get all that I want. How much more do I want? Of cos, part of me said its d partner, but knowing my unlovability, am afraid and also believing that I can only journey alone, I know partner is futile. So, how? Do I have to go thru the partner mode! Even that is suspect, cos I need both love and money. How to find? Also worried I can be tempted by money and fake love. And when I found love, I can fake that money is not important to me. It is.
Where do I go from here!

Recently Golden group from ACIM came back
And Radical Forgiveness not only mention ACIM but also is contemporary ACIM.
Do I take it back? Its been nearly 5 years since I stopped. I wonder.
Also volunteering, be of value no longer strike me. I jus wan to be alone. So what if I have much spiritual breakthru. In the end, is still me. Part of my stress is how to be of value. Now that I don't have career.
That's why also striving to learn and write.
Remain useless and enjoy. Can I do that?
Father, now I knew why m disturbed. The initiation was very powerful. Something is beyond me. This something, what does it want? I tot I have uncovered everything and I have control. Now I know I don't. Who or what in me that is moving frantically to the beating of the drum. I thought my head will torn off with such excessive movement. This is even more bizzare cos Sadhguru also not there. Previously, I accede my reaction to him, but now I know its inside me. But I don't wan to be like Sadhguru. I don't wan to follow his path. I felt bit bad about others who wan to, can't have the receptivity.
I never really tot I am spiritual. I jus wan to clear my unconsciousness, I want to be in confrol, self mastery.
Where does this spiritual led to? I don't really like what I see yet? But if is not for me, why my body is reacting?

My mind is a wandering mind. My challenge is in value. I must have value to feel love. The well of love is made up of values, career and money, love and money, fame and money.
Value brought me so far. How to drop the value mode. Just be useless,