Acknowledging my hidden unlovability

Jul 2
Father, thanks for loving me. The crux of everyone inability to follow their Destiny is unlovability.
For me, when I hav money and romantic love, I felt loved. Since I don't hav romantic love, I can't let go of money/job. Anyway, m fine wit my job too. For the first time, I am reaping benefits.

These 2 days after discovery of unlovability issue with me, whenever I do practices, air is being forced out from my abdoment, all d way from lower stomach. Suddenly tot this bit similar during samyama when air are being forced out, albeit double.

Father, m happy wit my body. The only thing I wan to work on is my arms. I wan to go in and work on the unlovability issue in me.
I am humbled and will emphatise wit my friends and clients.

Father, this mornin when I started meditation. I observed that chattering of mind start, it wasn't loud but whisper and the one that is observing says ignore the chattering. Who is the one that observe. I now can see there are 2 subject in myself. One is the automatic chattering mind and another an observer/evaluator/decision maker.

The osho card talks abt Suits of the mind are either cartoon-like or troubled becos the influence of the mind in our lives is generally either ridiculous or oppressive. These descriptions right described me.

Osho
The change of name has great significance for a sannyasin. It is an index, a symbol. Your name now has an association wit everything that u have been before yday.
Changing the name of a sannyasin means we are disconnecting him from his old identity, from his old associations. He is now starting on a new journey wit a new name, a new identity.

The change of name is helpful in breaking ur old identity. With the changed name, u suddenly come to know that u r not the same person now.
Everytime, while u r on the road, somebody calls u by ur new name, not by the old one, u r startled to learn that u have ceased to have ur old identity. Everyday ur identification wit ur old life will wither;; everyday a new man will come into being in his place.
You will be reminded again and again that u r on a new journey.

Soul
Tot of my new name Joy. So me. No more suffering.

Osho
My difficulty is that I know how useful ritual are and how useless they have become. So I will continue to speak both for and against them. That is my difficulty and destiny, and I would like u to understand it.
For this reason, I will lose many of my friends and many of them will turn into my enemies. But this will go on, and there is no way to stop it.

Soul
Tot of my destiny and difficulty. My destiny is to share and help people but in that I will lose them too.


Jul 2 Eve

Father, when d CEO gav me an unfriendly reply. My ego start to react and defensive tot came into the pix. And then later, I start to hav negativ tot on d GM. I just looked at the tot. I recalled that I said this is not me. This is jus d unlovability acting. I told my ego so if d CEO really wan to attack me and force me to leave. I will go cos now I know even dark experience is meaningful to my growth. Jus like d mirror I found wit CEO after d heavy scolding experience.
I told my ego, don't worry, we have enough funds to last us 2 more years.