Hidden unlovability is what drives us (7)

Jul 13
This mornin was awake at 3.20 am. Tot it was time. Then I slept back and woke up at 4.30 am, my wrist swell reduced and I did my hatha asanas, quite effortless.
Wonder whether this is due to the final showdown of the mirror between CEO and me.

Osho Transformation
1. Events/Influences affecting you or your question - Prayer
Let ur gestures be alive, spontaneous. Let ur own awareness decide your lifestyle, life pattern. Don't allow anybody else to decide it. This is a sin to allow anybody else to decide as it would be superficial.
Allow the truth of the moment to possess you and u will start growing and u will know the tremendous beauties of prayer. You have entered on the path.

Soul
Yeap, I was affected. Since no answer of my own, tot if I shld follow others. Glad the answer came. I stay on my course. Yday didn't go for IE volunteering, went back and do my guru pooja/shoonya/shakti enjoyably.

2. External influence u r aware - Intelligence
We are born to be blissful. It is our birthright. But people don't even claim their birthright. They become more interested in what others possess and they start running after those things. They never look within, they never search in their own house.
We need to look within because unless we know what is within us how can we go on searching all over the world. And those who looked within, found it immediately.
If u don't know what u r seeking. How can u find it? The search continues in spite of what u have. So, the search must not be for power, money, prestige and respectability. These are just to satisfy ur mind.
If u start defining your search, u will start losing interest in the search. Search exists only when u r not aware. The unawareness creates the search. Once u r aware, search ceased.

Meditation is nothing but a re-adjustment of your vision, of your eyes. And if u go on looking inside - it takes time - gradually, slowly, you start feeling a beautiful light inside. It is not like the glaring/dazzling sun, but it is the cool, calm compassionate moon.

By and by, when u have adjusted by the inside light, u will see that u r the very source. The seeker is the sought. Then u will see that the treasure is within u and the whole problem was that u were seeking for it outside, wrong direction.

Soul
Amazing. Tot I saw d mirror with CEO of creating insecurities in others. Now can see the bigger version. We both on diamond and measure our self worth according to the value we acquired/delivered. When we possess valuable or deliver values, our self worth increase and immediately we felt lovable. I used to judge CEO, why so hard on urself and others. So, what if outside not as valuable, does it kill her. Well, it does, just like when I have to prepare reporting, which I tot its low value and I felt so low cos I lost my self-worth. That's the reason I was miserable here, cannot create valuable work, self-worth at the lowest point, felt so unloved. If I cannot feel myself worth of love, how can I feel lovable.

So, CEO is my mirror. From now on, I won't judge of her deliverable's need.
And by demanding of such high values in others and ourselves, we drive ourselves. Me, resulting in RA. CEO, resulting in continuous anger and anxiety. Since her posession is her valuation, she wil fight tooth and nails to maintain her job, I think will stretch to 60 like d other Chairman.
And who knows, my Jupiter period of 9 of heart, mirror to 7 of diamond will last till then.
Now I understand her outburst at me for the low grade PA.
My valuation is down and so is my lovability factor. This was reinforced when I was asked to be mute during volunteering for IE programme. Suddenly I felt unloved. And when I have such astounding experience during initiation. I wasn't sure how to react, to be please or not. Not sure whether it is a good thing.
　
For me, I was searching for ways to make me feel lovable so that I can be loved. This is despite me being the happiest I ever been in my life.
That's why I was looking for avenue for creation of value so that I can feel lovable.
Now I know my happiness is priceless. I already have it within me, my Light has shined outward. I just need to let go of my perception in lovability. I just need to be aware and remind myself. The search stop here.

4. The seed of transformation
Worth - on the virtue of worthlessness
Be like this useless tree, then nobody can harm u and u will grow big and vast and thousands of people can find shade under I.
Move in the world as if u r not. Remain unknown. Don't try to prove ur worth. There is no need. Just remain useless and enjoy.
Of course, this seem impractical. But life is to enjoy and celebrate, life is not to become a utility. Life is more like a poetry than a commodity in the market, it should be like poetry, a song, a dance.
If u want to be a poem, an ecstasy, then forget about utility. Remain true to yourself.

Soul
Heard it loud and clear. Now that my perception of my view of lovability is cleared. No need to increase my valuation by doing more.

5. New direction of growth in ur inner awareness
Blessings in Disguise - the fortunes and misfortunes of a villager.
The only problem with sadness, desperateness, anger, hopelessness, anxiety, anguish, misery, is that u want to be rid of them. That's the only barrier. You will have to live with them. You cannot just escape. They are the very situation in which life has to integrate and grow. They are the challenges of life. Accept them. They are blessing in disguise.
Just state the fact! Don't think of anything as a curse or a blessing. Don't interpret, and suddenly you will see that everything is beautiful.

Soul
Thanks for the major upheaval between CEO and me. Amen.

5. Key to integration.
Desire - the magical begging bowl
When u desire something, your joy depends on that something. If it is taken away, u r miserable; if it is given to u, u r happy. But only for the moment! That too must be understood.
Whenever ur desire is fulfilled, it is only for the moment that u feel joy. It is fleeting because once u have got it, again the mind starts desiring for more, for something else.
Mind exists in desiring; hence mind can never leave u without desire.
If you are without desire, mind dies immediately. That's the whole secret of meditation.
Human skull is endless. You go on pouring anything into it and it disappear. The desire, the longing for something else takes u away from this moment.
The majority running after shadows, their begging bowls will remain with them till they enter their graves.
And a very small minority, one in a millon, stop running, drops all desires, asks for nothing and suddenly he finds everything within himself.

Soul
I have found and uncover my inner Light. By letting go of my love perception, being in the moment, let me savour it
My swimming or rather my floating will keep me intact.