My control strategy may not be right

Jun 17
Father, today am feeling fine. Not sleepy.

Osho card for the week. Wasn't so sure of the msg but now I am.

1. Issue - Miser

Soul
Its ironic, on the surface I am open but I have drawn parameters for control. And the parameters are down.
I have open up, now wearing jeans during in weekdays. Few weeks ago, took out the jacket and goes for smart casual and now throw in the jeans too. I used to protect my image, needed to present a corporate look so I be viewed more maturely and gain respect. Nowadays, no longer necessary.

On the meditation brochure in office, wil ponder again. Me, all shared out. Jus me and my meditation. And if the person is keen in spiritual matters, he/she won't say negative things to me and know its jus an expression.

2. Internal - Sorrow
Didn't realise thru CEO - looking for love in wrong places, I realised that I was looking for love in wrong time zone, in future.
Have decided to love now.
Also, during yday meditation, tot of d korean drama and placing myself in d situation. I brought myself back. I love myself here and now.
I don't hav to look for love in others and in future.
My planetary is Ace - creator and alone and my destiny is Queen - leader and alone. Let me accept my singlehood path. Like Osho says just love myself and be love, the rest will come on its own.

Its real painful. How could I be so blind. So much a strategist and in my most important endeavour of love, totally out. Didn't even realise my hidden strategy is wrong. This is humbling.
I associate humbling as an acceptance that we r imperfect. Whereas P's humbling as God want us to remove our arrogance. Or perhaps it is my hidden belief too since I reacted to it.

3. External influence - travelling (inner movement)
Definitely true. I knew my outer is changing by being more open and casual, relaxed. An old friend says that I sound so relaxed. Mmm, looks like previously my voice has an edge of control.

(14 July 2010 - met another fellow meditator, she too says that I look more cheerful.)

4. What is needed - Schizophrenia (split)

Soul
I tot of openin up to office wit the IE brochure and later a tot came, don't share.
I tot of putting brochures at O'Brien and a tot came. Don't ask cos they won't let.
Tot of sharin brochure wit GM and then pull back.

Guess my auto strategy of never to put myself in situation that others can reject me work here. Actually me lookin for love in future is perhaps part of this strategy.
I didn't realise I am so unaccepting of me.
There are wins and losses in this strategy. Wonder which is bigger.
Father, this is so humbling. I am now uncertain that the most sacred motto of life is correct.
Now the Issue & Internal card - Miser and Sorrow cards really hit me.
The motto must have been created out of fear.

5. Resolution - The Master.
Once ur awareness becomes a flame, it burns up the whole slavery that the mind has created. There is no blissfulness more precious than freedom, than being a master of ur own destiny.

Soul
I am tearing down my control strategy. It was created in fear. It sets parameter and disallow me to be open to opportunity to lose & win and hence cannot grow.

(14 July - I have got to the core belief of my unlovability)