Hidden unlovability is what drives us (5) - mirror to CEO

Jul 12 Afternoon
Father, that's it. I am feeling dead end. I felt I am back to square 1. Finally after so many years, I know the source of my unconsciousness is my unlovability issue. So, now what? To fill up my well of love? But I have been filling, I felt loved during meditation.

But so what the difference in me, after all these years of search/discovering/cleansing/awareness
A reply came; it because of your doing that u can finally admit to ur unlovability.

But where does that leave me? I have many moments of loving experience and joy. But I seem to be the same, it hasn't transform me.
A reply came; Continue to meditate to keep the well of love intact.

Father, now I know why I have been crying recently. I felt I am the end. No need to search anymore. How do I fill up my well of love? Do I need external help? Just now hearing abt a colleague's declaration of love for his wife; he loves her to bits and she is his Light. For a moment, I felt envious and then tot little that he know, he cannot rely on her Light.
Now this unlovability is inside me. I do know how it arise, but what can I do. How do I fill the well of love.

I used to feel loved whenever I feel valued and I felt valuable by the work that I do. Now that my is not of value to me, I tot of the counselling, but that is not something that I am confident about. So, where and what can I create value to feel loved.
A reply came;
Osho transformation - on the virtue of uselessness.

Don't be bothered about utilitarian ends. Constantly remember that u r not here in life to become a commodity. You are not here to become a utility. You are not here just to become more and more efficient - u r here to become more and more alive; u r here to become more and more intelligent; u r here to become more and more happy; estatically happy.
Don't be competitive. Don't try to prove your worth. There is no need. Remain useless and enjoy.
If u want to be a poem, an ecstasy, then forget about utility. Remain true to yourself.

Soul
I m the happiest in my life. But for now I don't have value and I really not keen on volunteering or be of service. But without value, my perception of lovability goes down.
Does being happy and being of value has any similarities?
I am not sure if being joyful for nothing is of value. I don't feel valuable, I don't felt good.
joy doesn't last; there is no value.

God, I am ungrateful. Why can't I value my joy. I am laughing to sleep almost daily. That is something priceless.
Yeap, it is not valuable, cos I cannot sell, but it is priceless cos I have it by grace.
I guess partly becos no one tell me that they admire what I have. They ignored it and I ignored it cos I see that they not keen about it and at times seem uncomfortable. And the recent initiation, they find my laughter to be 'trouble', something to shunned. I think they laughed at me. So, I don't hold it with pride. Also, becos I don't do much, I know its not my achievement. Its something inside, something not within my control.
I used to worry abt my laughter until both M and P told me that their experience becomes deeper whenever I laughed. They asked me to continue to laugh.
I used to have doubts. Luckily Sadhguru explained about shift of energy can cause laughing, tears, movement. All of which I have experienced.

Spoke to D, she says hers is time. If she give someone time and it is not used productively, she will get angry. Cos time given to others means time taken away from herself. For her giving time to herelf is loving herself.
For me, now I know why Nine of Heart - death of rship wit myself, the way I love myself will be changed.

When talking to her, suddenly I tot where is the mirror between CEO and I. She want her surrounding to be of value, cos it represent her. If she is of value, she is loved. She measured her self worth by the values she garnered outside. When her valuables increased, her self-love increased.
I measured my self worth by my output/deliverable. Whenever the value of my deliverable increased, self worth and self love increased accordingly.
So we are both mirror. Both looking for valuables to increase our well of love.