Z is with me because of fear of losing pleasure, I am with Z because of fear of suffering

Jun 4

Father, I woke up 4 am to do my practices. Suria was fine. Shakti and Shambavi too. Towards the end I doze off and had an orgasmic dream.

Father, really not sure where I am heading. Today forgot to bring my notebook, which isn't too surprising cos these days I don't bring it back. But I remember to take my book out and yet forgot to bring the bag and that doesn't sounds too good.

On Z, I just know we r together for now and both wants to be with each other. I am the one with the fear as I knew he going to end it. A tot came, he also has fear cos he is afraid he will love me. He is keeping a tight leash on himself.

Diamond Heart - Book 1
Resistance to hell is actually the best way to stay in hell. Not wanting to suffer is the shortest road to suffering.
It is the movement of pushing things away, of resisting them and trying to get away from them, that generates pain.

Always looking for happiness, doing all kinds of things so that finally the day will come when the doors of heaven will open and they will enter with glory and live happily ever after.

Both are trying to get away from pain and go toward pleasure.

Soul
Mmm, suddenly tot of me and Z. I am getting away from pain and he is going towards pleasure. I am ok if got no pleasure and he is ok if got pain.

Diamond Heart - Book 1
Fear of hell and desire for paradise both bring suffering, both seems to perpetuate anguish.

If u don't want to experience pain, there is an attachment. If u want to experience pleasure, there is also an attachment.

Soul
I now realised why I am with Z. We are at opposite ends of each other. Since we r both strong, we try to control each other. But it doesn't work.
What I am learning from him is that opposites are also the same side of coin.
What I learned is that we r both the same.
I am afraid of leaving him because I don't want to suffer the pain of losing him. And yet I want to leave cos I don't want to big suffering in the end.

Z is afraid of leaving me because he doesn't want to lose the pleasure of being with me. While he knew I don't fit his plan of traditional marriage with children, he is not willing to let me go. His fear is then of falling for me that he can't let go.


Diamond Heart - Book 1
If u don't want to experience ur pain, there is an attachment.
If u want to experience ur pleasure, there is an attachment.

Attachment is the pure substance of hell itself, unadulterated anguish. Anguish is exactly what is produced by the movement of attachment. The movement of attachment always occurs in one of two ways: either a movement away from pain or a movement toward pleasure. Regardless of how u might try to get out of this dilemma, u won't. U can't get out of a sticky situation by becoming stickier.

Indulging in ur attachment perpetuates and strengthens the personality. It can't help but do that. That attitude is food for suffering - and for ur personality.

When u experience Essence, u will see that Essence doesn't feel that it wants this or that. It isn't busy pushing away pain or going toward happiness. Essence is just there, experiencing - no rejection and no acceptance. Just presence.

Soul
Wow, looks like no hope. No wonder I am caught. It is an age-old dilemma.
I tot attaining my Joy will help me in Self Mastery and helps me to walk away from any pain. But it didn't. It just ignore the pain and move on. I am not sure of mySelf anymore.

Suddenly tot of my Inner Influence Osho - experiencing.


Diamond Heart - Book 1
We don't do this Work so that u will get something that will release u and then u feel happy. It doesn't work that way. As we have seen, doing it that way is exactly what leads to suffering.

When u accept the truth, it could painful or pleasurable. The affect of it, the emotional shading of it, is irrelevant. Truth is what is there.
Trying to avoid pain and to always seek pleasure will mean the non-acceptance of truth much of the time. It involves the rejection of what is there. U r rejecting ur experience, u r rejecting ur consciousness, u r rejecting urself. How is that going to lead to harmony and happiness?

Sometimes ur experience is painful. What r u going to do? It is ur experience. If u don't want it, u throw it away. Then u throw away part of urself. Well, how can u be happy if part of urself have been thrown away.