Jun 22
Father, today I wake up at 7 am. I was fine and happy but I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just want me time.
To me, yoga is also work. It is true Pearly said I put all my drive into yoga practices.
Suddenly tot of my Resolution - Slowing down - just be.
As for Z, next step is up to him. If no step, we will end like that. I am not leaving him, I just want a change. If he doesn't initiate, he ended it. I don't have to do anything. While I hope he would but I don't expect cos he operates from the mind.
Father, alas I am also rested on Z.
Father, when I saw the mail from J saying that I should be handling the correspondence from the tax consultant. My first tot was affronted. Why every time is has to be me? Why can't they do their part? Why I have to be the one that suffer? Why E doesn't care for me like the rest? My emotion was running bit off.
However, 5 minutes later, I tot that's because E trust me, E knew I can handle things.
Father, guess I m bit sensitive. I tend to take things negatively. I tend to think people makes me suffer whenever they put me up there.
Father, I don't know what to do. What is the right thing with Z? I just read my article dated 20 May about my talk with him. In that article, I decided to go all the way, not to take his issue personally.
It is just one month later and
I went to Osho and the following msg came.
The King's challenge to his 3 sons
The seed is never in danger, remember. What danger can there be for the seed? It is absolutely protected. But the plant is always in danger, the plant is very soft. The seed is like a stone, hard, hidden behind a hard crust. But the plant has to pass through a thousand and one hazards. And not all plants are going to attain to that height where they can bloom into flowers, a thousand and one flowers.
Very few human beings attain to the second stage, and very few of those who attain the second stage attain the third, the stage of the flower. Why can't they attain the third stage, the stage of the flower? Because of greed, because of miserliness, they are not ready to share ...because of a state of unlovingness.
Courage is needed to become a plant and love is needed to become a flower. A flower means the tree is opening up its heart, releasing its perfume, giving its soul, pouring its being into existence.
Don't remain a seed. Gather courage - courage to drop the ego, courage to drop the securities, courage to drop the safeties, courage to be vulnerable.
Soul
This is the same msg as my Osho - What is needed for resolution?
The miser
The moment u become miserly, u r closed to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing.
The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target, u, ur innermost being is the target; not many things, but an open being, available to millions of things.
To me, this is asking me to go beyond my fear. Whenever I sense I am rejected, I will pull out the plug first. Also, I guess reading his card on Neptune, he got a Queen of Heart and I negatively tot it was not me.
Finally after 2 days of misery, I just read the msg from him. The urine analyser went down - so is an emergency. He is not cancelling our date last minuted because of change of mind. It was an emergency that he needs to attend to.
(Jul 22 - When we met on Jun 26, he told me that he went to the place but was unable to repair the machine.)
When I asked for Friday, he said not sure and it was valid. But by then my emotion came up and cancel my intelligence. I switched off.
When I said cancel, he immediately ask for next week. He really want us to meet. But I let my emotion overwhelmed me. Alas, he stayed cool. Aiyah, he is the right one for me. He always stayed calm when I go on my emotional mode.
Aiyah, I forgot my commitment. To stay on and overcome my fear of rejection. To let him go off first. To face the rejection as it is. So far, it never come but here I am playing again and again.
Osho - internal influence
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feelings of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape in our lives.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow not 'enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain. It bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.
Soul
Finally I know what to do. Continue with my commitment.
Day card
Ten of Heart
Soul
Yea, rested now. I just msg him on where he is and he immediately replied.
I don't want to reply back. To me, is done.
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