Do you know what truly makes u happy?

May 21 Eve

Father, I am sad about my rship with Z. I know we are good for each other. I want us to grow but he keep on clamping us down.

Just now I called and he is unreachable. I wanted to msg him my displeasure. Then I tot forget it. Whatever I said doesn't matter as I accepted his unreachability.

When I sat for my evening meditation, I felt sad about him and tot tears will flow. But nothing happen and instead I felt such joy that is unexplained. I even laugh so much during samyama, something that has not happen for a long time.

I asked for guidance in my Osho card. I recall something about letting go; stop clinging to the past.

I am past the point whereby I want to scold him. Scolding him and later accepting it only prolong the cycle. I called to say goodbye, if he doesn't call back, that's his loss, not mine. Perhaps that it. I am prolonging it. Me and me alone. He doesn't want to grow but I want to. I am barking on the wrong door. Too much barking will turn into resentment. Perhaps best to end when we still care about each other. We can reminisce about each other and in time it will be over.
Such irony, he who taught me freedom is now clamping my wings. I want to fly but he won't let us fly together.

Diamond Heart Book 1
If u want to grow, u have to be willing to actually be somebody with different tots, ideas, beliefs and experiences.

U came here saying, "I want to be happy.". Fine, u want to be happy. But it might be that to be happy, u will have to become a different person. If u want to change, u have to be willing to allow these old ideas and beliefs to die. The most elementary requirement for growth is the willingness to let go of what u believe will make u happy.
So, there is a need for an attitude of allowing, allowing things to emerge, to change, to transform, without anticipating how this should happen.
U can direct things only according to the way u r now. U can conceive of future only according to the blueprints u already know. But real change means that the blueprint will change.
The only thing u can do is to be open and allow things to happen, allow the butterfly to emerge out of the larva and be a different being. If u allow things to happen, u might find that u do have wings and u r flying around.

Soul
I tot being with Z will make me grow. But alas I felt stifled now. Continuing on will only makes me angry with him and with myself. Perhaps ending this is just up to me. There will be little resistance from him. Who knows, it may be even easier leaving him than leaving Isha.

7 July
We are still together, going strong in a way.