Drama on my meet-up with Z - test of courage to face sadness

Jun 24 afternoon

Father, what a day today!
Z and I had a date.
This morning I woke up with menses. It was nearly 1.5 weeks early. I told my mom and she said it is because I am now feeling weak and hence menses is haywire.

I tried to call him around noon but voice mail. I wanted to tell him about my menses and see if he is ok to meet up. Since I couldn't get him, I hang up.

I came around 2.15 pm and waited for him alas, he didn't come. I called so many times via the hotel but there were no response, just voice mail. I know he couldn't reach me cos I have told him my mobile was un-contactable.

Finally around 5 pm, I send him a mail and within minutes he called me from the reception. He said he has already send me an sms ...I am now not sure if he is saying about cancellation or him being late. He said he was hijacked by his sister and etc.
My first tot...again I am the last...I am not wanted.
Now perhaps it was cancellation...the child in me comes up....and I cried again. I have already cried in the room...and now went to Osho...

Alas, there is tarot card on relationship....
Father...what am I to do. My first tot is to end it, to run away. I don't want to be disappointed again and again, I don't want to be sad...

Issue faced
Courage
There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

Insight
Transformation
This is a time for a deep let-go. Allow any pain, sorrow, or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity." It is very much like the experience of Gautam Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally gave up, knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night, he became enlightened.

Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another.

Soul
A tot came...not sure why..but it is on self-mastery. When I undertake this journey, i wanted to be self resilient, able to defend myself against anything that comes my way.

Alas, the matter is to be open to things that comes my way. The more I fight against feeling of unlovability, the more I attract such circumstance...and alas...am I unlovable??
No...I m actually quite lovable..

I suddenly tot of what I told Z,...it is not that you are unlovable..it is just that you make ur partner run off. In his case, his belief that every partner is the same cause him to be lackaisadal about his partner. Since the partner doesn't feel special, ie felt rejected, they reject him in return.