Drama on Z (fear of sadness)

Jun 20 Aft

Father, Z just cancelled our appointment. He asked for next week. And I have interpreted that he put us on a one night stand. Suddenly I cried and a tot came, I don't want already. He always put me last. I replied that "I am always last" to him.
Yea, maybe it is time already.

I am worthy. There is no reason why I should be last. This is getting too one sided. Suddenly I cried.

Wow, I cried for a long time. Throughout the car drive. Not the wailing type, but tears just flows. Then on shoonya, wailing came. I just know I deserved better. It is true, he doesn't want us to end now but I prefer that we end while we r still good. Rather than to end with a bad taste. I m sure both of us be fine.

I stopped my contraceptive pill today. I don't know what will happen but at least I made a choice.
Better be neutral alone than to be sad with someone.
I deserve better.
For the first time I moved BB to Application folder.

For the first time, I didn't even visualise me being a friend, me trying to comfort him. I don't feel sorry for him. For the first time I feel sorry for myself. For now, I just want a no show. That's an achievement.


(Jul 22)
So much drama over nothing. It was actually me over-reacting due to pent-up emotion. These days I just expressed whatever I feel instead of suppress it.