When u r in the now; ur letting go of ur personality!

Jun 6

Father, I am not feeling good. Caught a cold. This morning I didn't do my practice and I felt even worse. I wish I had done the meditation. I realised I would then to not wake up if I put it too early. In future, just put alarm at 6.45 am and let my body decides.

I guess the stress for couple of months has taken its toll on me. Now that SL is here, I finally can break.

Antics of the mind. My menses will come on June 8 and here it speculated that I could be pregnant and start to extrapolate. I brought myself back. How can it be possible? I am on pill and also RA pill is a prevention too and coupled with the fact that I am 45 years old. It would be a miracle and also a joke on us.

Tot of me and Z. We both have desires or what u called attachment. I desire sad-free and he desire enjoyment. We do both drive to the extreme. In my quest for pain-free I run away and in his quest for enjoyment, he become financially tight.
I have loosen up to welcome pain and he has loosen to realise it is a weakness. He no longer just says enjoyment, he knows of price to pay too.


Diamond Heart - Book 2
These seven factors brings about objectivity:
1. Energy
2. Determination
3. Joyfulness
4. Kindness
5. Absorption
6. Peacefulness
7. Awakeness

Objectivity is exactly what is needed to deal with the personality, its basic patterns and its basic tendencies toward grasping and attachment. With objectivity, u r not influenced by ur superego or ur unconscious; what u see is what is there. U r not determined by ur past experience, concepts or by opinions.

If u could look at ur difficulties and conflicts objectively, u would see they are nothing but resistance against that objectivity, against seeing things as they really are. U r attached to ur attachments and u don't want to see things as they are.

Soul
Me trying to avoid sadness is unrealistic, just like Z always spending to the max.
I live below my means and Z lives above his means. Both of us are not realistic.

Diamond Heart - Book 2
U r are attached more than anything else to ur personality itself, to the way ur personality functions, to ur likes and dislikes, and patterns. Even if u don't like it, u don't want to be free from it.

Watchfulness is a way to develop awakening. When u r awake, u r watchful without being watchful. When u r a light bulb, u don't need to look.

So, awakening is called the perfection of non-watching. U watch and watch and u watch until u become the watchfulness. Then u don't put any effort into watching, u r just awake. U don't have to look in order to see, just by being there u see. Then u don't watch anymore. But first u need to watch for a long time. U have to develop watching until u become the watching.

Soul
This is samyama. I must focus on this. Have been quite lax lately.
What I know is my body becomes even more loose when I did samyama vs shakti or shambavi. Just a half hour and everything is loosen.

Diamond Heart - Book 2
Liberation is really nothing but the personality become free in the moment; the personality loosens its grip, let itself just relax.
When ur personality hangs loose, u become like a child and u enter paradise.

Soul
Tot of the Camel, Lion and Child I got in this week Osho. A time of growth and change.


Jun 6 Aft
Diamond Heart - Book 2
As long as ur perspective is to seek to feel good and not bad, to feel pleasure and not pain, u will reinforce ur pain.

It is quite a dilemma: by desiring happiness u tend to create suffering.