My need to generate self-valuation results in me becoming a commodity

Jun 30
Father, last Friday I had to make it for the volunteer meet. I know I need to make it right.

I tot the volunteer meet is now dry. Not lively. So task orientated, not inspiring. I was glad that I made the effort to turn up, otherwise it may not happen.

Then I saw A asking C and I felt bit jealous. He always used to ask me and I felt I was no longer important, no longer valued. It lasted a moment cos I know I don't really want it.

Soul
I suddenly tot of Z's reply to my question.
My question - why do I always need to be a leader wherever I go?
Z's reply - because I always shows my commitment and hence people assume I am leader.
The issue with u is that u like to commit to what u do and then everybody ride on u.
If u don't want to be a leader, don't want people to ride on u, just be moderate.

Soul
I don't know how. I either like or I don't. Moderate to me means, the issue doesn't matter to me and it can go either way. For me, when I like, I commit to making it happen the way I want. I will do whatever is necessary.

But now I am not sure if I am committed to create or perform because of my issue with valuation. I excel because of valuation.

Taoist say;
That which is not created by man is valuable.
That which is created may have a relative value, a market value, but really it is not valuable; it has no value.
A man made thing is a commodity.

Lao Tze
All the useful trees are gone. Some tree were straight and is now gone. It must have been very egoistic, straight, proud of being somebody - it is gone.
This tree is not straight, not a single branch is straight. It is not proud at all, hence it exists.

If u want to live long, become useless, don't be a commodity, don't become a thing. If u become a thing, u will be sold and purchased in the market and u will become a slave. If u r not a thing, who can purchase u and who can sell u?

Become a nonentity so that nobody looks at u and u can live ur life as u want to live it. Nobody comes to interfere with u.

Soul
I drive myself to excel because I want to feel valuable vs others. Father, I just tot of my feelings yesterday in the volunteer meeting. I was restless as I was not the leader. I felt bit jealous when A refers to C instead of me.
Just like at work, I drive myself to gain the respect of E's direct report. My aim was to be their leader.
When I aim to be recognised, to be valuable, the price to pay is for people to ride on me, to use me.
Infact, if I have not been so useful, SS wouldn't fight to keep me on board and E wouldn't fight to have all of me. I am useful to them. Both also doesn't want to let me go.

Father, I needed valuation. I created myself to be valued. I become a commodity. Because I wanted the valuation, I continue to meet the demands. I become the slave to my own need to be valuable. I generate my own valuation.

Something on this. Father, give me more. I want to break this cycle of having to be valuable.