Drama on Z (fear of sadness - 2)

Jun 21

I woke up and my first tot was I love Z and I miss him. I want him but he doesn't.
I was really tired and forego hata but when alarm ring at 5.30 am, I still not ready. I was feeling cheeky and didn't want to do my practice today. Perhaps its best this way, don't do whenever I am really off, then it wouldn't be a chore.

On Z, next call is his. For me, limit is up. Besides, with me around, he cannot test his charm on others and gets himself on a traditional wife that can give him children.

Tomorrow I am taking off. I needed this break. Just have a nice breakfast with mom. Go to a cafe and do my writing. On Z, there is no need for drama. Let him come back. A tot came, when u love someone, let him go; if he comes back, he is yours.

Father, what an ending to age 44. I didn't expect this. The old me won't mind this rship with Z but the new me wants a proper rship. Meanwhile, just do my thing lah. Focus back on my Top 5, but take Z out.

Aiyah, I was so sad yday and cried loads. But this morning, feeling better. Just remember my Ace of Diamond - keep on attracting partner who is afraid of commitment cos I myself also doesn't want to commit. Well I am ready to commit. I deserve better. I had too low expectation in rship and now coming to realistic expectation. I guess it is because I can't give (don't want to pay price) and hence I don't ask from my partner.

We have been together 1 and half year. It is time.

Resolution
Slowing Down
If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u r able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u r already at home.

Diamond Heart - book 2
The reason u r suffering is that u r always filling ur self with the activities of the position u take. When this is happening, u cannot experience things freshly, directly, purely. U even experience ur body as heavy and sluggish. If u allow emptiness, ur body can become light, rather than a hindrance or a boundary for ur experience.
When u allow urself to be that openness and freedom, u will experience urself as giving, as a flow of love.

Ace of Diamond
Aces represent new beginnings. A desire for something that starts a new cycle of creating.
Diamonds represent our value systems, the things we like or dislike, treasure or discard. So, the Ace of Diamonds means that we experience the birth of a new value or that we suddenly like or want something that we didn't before.

Soul
I want a committed relationship. Amen.