Samyama - definitely got something (4)

Mar 17

Night
Couldn't sleep. Tots running in my mind. Mostly abt me being happy for the heroin and I tot might hav chance for me.
Previously wld have judged myself for still feeling incomplete but Ekhart Tolle explained that's is ok to have the feeling even if u r at peace. Anyway, I think I finally slept at 2.30 am.
This is the longest period I am awake, not able to sleep but neither am I agitated or restless or feeling sad. Jus wonder why its happening, cld it be that God wan me to know what it felt like to have insomia. Could it be I watched too much TV. Cld it be telling me d mind extrapolate. Even if it is happy tot, I shld not dwell on it. Cos I know nothing is d best feelin to have.
Or cld it be I m wondering what I will do during part time.
Woke up 4.30 am next day but surprisingly can wake up upon alarm rang. Slept 2 hours only.

Jus ran thru my Passion List. I am keeping to my 3 days week and I will work on my Passion.

Last friday, I seems to be oblivious to CEO's tyranny. Somehow whenever she issue her threatening voice, it jus flew past me. When I saw her agitated and voice raised, I jus tot that's her, I am still me, need not change my action/decision jus because she don't agree.

At one point, I can't even hear d anger in her voice. Its only when d PA and my IT Exec asked me why she is angry, that I realised CEO raised her voice. Earlier when we were doing renov walkaround and she again wanted to spend more. I jus replied that we will get the quotes and I walked away. Then she came to me and says ceiling painting not necessary since d focus is on d red colour. Previously, I wld have keep quiet and try to comply.

When we were talking abt a candidate, I told her directly that she is superficial, although in a light tone but I meant it. Not sure.
Somehow I was jus being myself. Didn't bother if I could raise her ire.
Then d incident abt her not wanting to hav bday and CFO replied all prepared, I was nonchalant and said its fine that. Previously I would have worried. Wonder if this friday episodes is a fluke or for real.
When I came back from Samyama, I keep on saying that I was disappointed, such a big price to pay, both money n time and pure-veg and yet no return. I wonder if this cld be the change.

The Power of Now
Surrender is a purely inner phenomenon. It does not mean that on the outer level you cannot take action and change the situation. Infact, it is not the overall situation that u need to accept when u surrender but jus the tiny segment called the Now.

Non-surrender hardens your psychological form, the shell of the ego and so creates a strong sense of separateness. The world around u and people in particular come to be perceived as threatening.
The unconscious compulsion to destroy others through judgement arises as does the need to compete and dominate. Nature become ur enemy and ur perception and interpretations are governed by fear.
The mental disease that we call paranoia is only a slightly more acute form of this normal but dysfunctional state of our unconsciousness.
Not only your psychological form but also ur physical form - ur body - becomes hard and rigid through resistance.
Bodywork and physical theraphy can be helpful in restoring this flow but unless u practice surrender in ur everyday life, those things can only give temporary symptom relief since the cause - the resistance patterns - has not been dissolved.

There is something within u that remains unaffected by the transient circumstances that make up ur life situation and only thru surrender, do u have access to it. It is ur life, ur very Being - which exists eternally in the timeless realm of the present. Finding this life is "the one thing that is needed" that Jesus talked about.

Soul - I know.

Afternoon
Didn't realise that today is tue n tomorro wed. So need to work faster. I guess that's what I hav to contend with when I goes on 3 days week.

The Power of Now
Negativity, unhappiness or suffering in whatever form means that there is resistance and resistance is always unconscious.
You cannot be conscious and unhappy, conscious and in negativity.
Negativity can only survive in your absence.

Soul - true. I hav experienced it. No matter how sad I felt, but when I connect wit my Being, the tears stop and I start to laugh.

The Power of Now
Through surrender, spiritual energy comes into the world. It creates no suffering for yourself, for other humans or any other life form on the present.
Unlike mind energy, spiritual energy does not pollute the earth and it is not subject to the law of polarities, which dictates that nothing can exist without its opposites, that there can be no good without bad.

Spiritual energy is a silent but intense presence that dissolves the unconscious patterns of the mind. They may still remain active for a while, but they won't run your life anymore. (Apr8 - yeap. These 2 days, when my ego was acting up, an alternative perception came. "This is not about me". Need not be defensive and attack others to feel secure)

The external conditions that were being resisted also tend to shift or dissolve quickly through surrender.
It is a powerful transformer of situations and people. If conditions do not shift immediately, your acceptance of the Now enables you to rise above them. Either way u r free.

Soul - yeap, I have experienced it.