Uncertainty before Samyama

Feb 12

Father, this mornin before alarm rang, I woke up n said m too sleepy. Don't want to do meditation today. Then later the alarm rang and I wake up to stop it. I said I don't want to meditate. Don't wan to stress myself. If I don't wan to do don't do lah. Then I try to sleep but after 10 min, couldn't sleep. Then I says m awake already. My mind say no but my body is refreshed. Beside yday nite I didn't do and today full day at airport. So I woke up and did guru pooja and shakti. Was worry abt some office matters but overall fine. Ended cos alarm rang and I ended n take a shower. Off to India.

Mmm, in d air plane. Tot of omelette n then they said omelette wit onion. I said then I hav to take veg meal. When I saw my next passenger eating veg meal, wit the lump rice n curry, my taste bud just cringe and said cannot eat lah. I asked for omelette, thankfully it is spring onion and red peppercorn. I took out the red peppercorn. Then I tot I forgot how much I don't like indian food and d tot of food in ashram pains me. Then I tot, how to be enlighten lah. Simple veg food also cannot take. This 40 days of veg has not remove my taste bud. How how? Wonder if I wld even cry when I hav to eat d food. Anyway, at least focus on d banana. Looks like my 40 days may be wasted loh. Looks like I may not be able to overcome my limitation by always being in the Now.

Mmm, suddenly tot of my Osho cards.
1. Outer influence affecting u or ur question.
Authenticity
The real thing is not a path. The real thing is the authenticity of the seeker. You can travel on any path. If u r sincere and authentic, u will reach ur goal.

Soul - yea, I enjoy food and I really don't like indian food cos they are gooey. It is more the texture rather than the taste that I don't like.
So, nevermind. I cannot follow veg path but I m sincere n I will find my way. Thanks.

2. External influences that u r aware of.
Compassion.
What is right and what is wrong? To me, awareness is right. If u r angry wit full awareness, even anger is right. And if u r loving with unawareness, even love is not right.
Let the quality of awareness be there in every act that u do, in every tot u think, in every dream that u dream.
Let the quality of awareness enter ur being more and more.

Soul - yeap. I don't prescribed to being nice. I believe that we need to act, the outcome/result is more important than our delivery. So, whatever it takes.
And understanding that our ego/darkness/unconsciousness) is always here, the only way is shine it away/dissolve it moment by moment is by being present/light/conscious.
So, in Samyama, I wan to have more presence moment to moment. I wan it to be automatic instead of now by will power/taking charge of my mind abt 10 percent. I wld be really happy that I can be present 50 percent on auto mode and 20 percent on manual mode.
Jus now in d plane, 2 minor incident happens. First one I asked for a pen from the Steward and he forgot. I didn't take it personally n jus know he is bz and forgot. Later when I wen to toilet, I got the pen and now I kept it.
Second one, I asked for fruit juice when d Stewardess looks busy, she frown, not so service looking. I jus see her n tot this one person who is not happy in her job. So, don't hav to take it personally n besides d fruit juice is not important and I forgot abt it and her. Then half an hour later, she came n brought my juice. I smile at her and says she remembers.
So, I hav used manual mode here n people become even more nicer.

3. Seed of transformation - inner influences that u might not be aware
Disciplehood
No situation is without a lesson, no situation at all.
All situations are pregnant, but u have to discover; it may not be available on the surface.
You hav to be watchful, u hav to look at all the aspect of the situation.

Soul
One of d situation is him not giving up on his trials to be enlightened. God willing, what has not happened today may happen tomorrow. Tot of me, since I choose food, I mus be realistic that d auto awareness mode may not reach the height that I wan and that's mean I will hav to use my manual awareness mode. But I can do it.

4. Direction of growth in ur inner awareness
That which never dies
Remember each moment, what u r accumulating - is it going to be taken away by death? If it is, then it is not worth bothering about.
If it is not going to be taken away by death, then even life can be sacrificed for it - because one day or another, life is going to disappear.
Before the life disappear, use the opportunity to find that which never dies.

Soul - not too sure abt this. At first tot me sacrificing my career - 3 days week. But I got many returns. Then tot of food, but I already know m not letting it go. I enjoy it and beside m not looking for enlightenment. I jus wan to more awareness on auto mode.
So, not sure what this means.

5. Inner understanding that is most important for u to work on right now
Communion - harmony without and within.
Man has to be nothing - man has to dissolve into the totality of things. And when we drop all the barriers, communion happens and that communion is a benediction. To be one wit the whole is all. That is the very core of religiousness.

Thru mind - there is no approach to existence. Thinking is a private world, it belongs to u - then u r enclosed, encapsulated, imprisoned within urself.
No thinking, u r no more, u r enclosed no more. You open, become porous, existence flows into u and u flow into existence.

If u can listen passively without thinking, nature speaks.
To hear the wordless, u will have to become wordless, because only the same can hear the same, only the same can relate to the same.

Sitting by a flower, don't be a person, be a flower.

Soul - tot of samyama, silent meditation. I wonder if this is the approach.
(Apr 3 - when I was in Ashram, I touch the trees there and i asked them question and i heard their replies.)