Pre-samyama

Feb 14

Today will be my last journal before samyama.

This mornin did my meditation in sadhana hall. Doing suria 6 cycles was effortless and then stop to sing group pooja. After guru pooja, I was doing shakti, I was distracted cos I can't hear my own breathing.

Then I picked up during shambavi. Only towards d end, connection came and I become joyful. Then as I was about to leave, they start to sing isha yoga volunteer song. For d first time I stayed and sang the song together. Not sure why, but I start to cry and then went into meditative mode.

Then in d afternoon, did registration. Then did my shoonya, good one and I laughed non-stop.
Then I went to see Vijii. I wanted to ask her to help me thru Samyama. This time as I enter and saw her pix, I felt her presence, tears immediately came and I felt into meditative mode. This happen within 5 min and I know I have my answer. Then I left.

Today I touched 2 trees and I felt their energy, their aliveness, tears came immediately when I felt their energy.

Sadhguru
If one is striving to grow, earthquakes and landslides keep happening in one's life.

Soul
I have always tot my life full of challenges. Max exposure and experience in a short time.

Sadhguru
Those who are stagnant, who don't grow, their life seems to be stable and steady and looks better. But it's lifeless.
For one who is striving to grow, an enormous amount of upheaval happens in his life.

Soul
I used to envy them and thinking God didn't love me. Then when I started meditation, I know is becos I meant to fulfill my destiny.

Sadhguru
It takes enormous intelligence for a person to grow without struggle. 99.9% of the people struggle to grow.
Either it takes enormous intelligence or it takes enormous trust.

Just be with me.
The few moments of just being there have made some difference, and in so many ways, that's what brought u here.
Destroy ur logical mind. You have to keep it aside. Only then u can feel it; only then u can experience it.

Soul
Jus now I tot I lost my medicine bag. Went to search 2 times in d room, went to housekeeping outside and inside. When they wan me to walk to Dyanalinga, luckily I was smart to ask him to call instead of me walkin. I went back to my room. I know m fine. Did shoonya, mind know I was fine but says abt d cost n then remind me of RA costs. Anyway, I ignore. When I finished shoonya, suddenly tot of checking if d bag is ok and I scoop my hand into a plastic bag n I immediately pulled it out. There was my medicine bag. Why m I not aware. Searching everywhere n its right there infront of me.
Something inside me, guided me to d samyama bag. I know it wasn't my mind. Something else.

Osho - communion
It would not be better if things happened to men jus as they wish. Unless they expect the unexpected, u will never find the truth, for it is hard to discover and hard to attain. Nature love to hide.

I saw 2 guys today
First one very smart n he was using Isha as a tool. Second one is the guy I met during Rejunevation and he remembers my name and M told him that I was coming. He told me he did a fast track programme. At first my mind said a follower and I dismissed him. I told him that he is so embroiled in Isha.
For me, Isha is just a tool

Father, that was not nice of me. That was so dismissal, so offputting. He has found something great and he is enthusiastic and he goes all d way out, unlike me.. Wonder if that is why I cry most of d time when I hear the Isha yoga volunteer song.
Father, why?? Am I afraid that I will be embroiled too? Am I afraid I be snared? Why should I judged others?!

My mind said he look so thin but yea, he looks more alert unlike previously whereby he is sluggish. This is surprising when I imagined of meeting him in shoonya and here he show up in samyama. He ended by saying he will see me around.
Then when I saw d second guy and he said he is surprised to see me, I just smiled and walked. This time m conscious n I know that I wan a loving guy more than I wan a smart guy as I recalled that my mind play tricks.

Sadhguru

So in tune wit life, u can dismantle life and put it back together.

Yogis, there are many here who abuse every other path in the world, who abuse every other guru in the world, not out of some inner compulsion. They are doing this because unless u think the path u r walking is the best, u cannot involve urself a hundred percent.

Soul
This is tellin me its ok. I have my own path. It is ok if it is not Sadhguru. I jus wan him to help me bring my Energy to the next level. I am conscious on manual mode, I wan him to help me be conscious on auto mode. As the next path ahead, its me to walk.

Sadghuru
Unless u can't see ur guru is the best guru, u can't involve urself.

Soul
I know he is d best in terms of energy and I willingly followed him in rising my energy. As to the outcome is me to decide.

Sadhguru
Fundamentally, the very process of yoga is to realise who u really are.

Soul
Yea, that's what I know. To go towards ur Destiny, ur true Self. Yoga to me is to dismantle all limitation so u pursue ur Destiny. Be who u really are.

Sadhguru
Any method works only when u just walk into it and it happens to u.

Soul
Yea, that's how it was wit Sadhguru. I fell in without any effort from me.
That's why sometime I am guilty. I received so much and yet I am not embroiled.
They received so little and yet can be embroiled.
If it be told, luckily Sadhguru doesn't know me. Why is this recalcitrant disciple who didn't make any effort can jus get it effortlessly?

But there is 2 part - kriya and gnana.
Gnana leads me so far. Kriya helps me to dismantle my limitation. Both also important.
Hatha m learning.
Bhakti is something nearly impossible for me. (Apr 3, went to Linga Bhairavi, didnt really send the energy. Or looking back. I felt it too clean/touch up...like a beatiful woman and of course, I still have my hidden envious mode on beautiful women)

Sadhguru
I have become realistic, I cannot help people to live well, so now I want to help people to die well. Die jus require one single moment and it is much much easier. To live well, thousand of movement. When people are pretending to be asleep, it is not possible to wake them except wit fire.

Soul
I cried, no wonder. He has given up hope. No wonder, I felt d space was not as bright as before. Like the energy has reduced. The greenery is not striving.
I cried and cried telling him not to give up. Then I made a promise to do the best that I can in Samyama. I will show him that his most recalcitrant disciple can follow him truly.

Now jus finished dinner. Of cos, I jus nibbled at d indian food. Thanks for d 2 pieces of bread.
When I was chewing d morsel of indian food, tears came out. I really don't like indian food. Its making me feel like dying. I don't mind not eating or even starving.
That's why when d instruction came during pre-Samyama meeting, to eat all that was served - that was d biggest hurdle.
I now know that no one can force me. But I wan to be d best that I can be n that means I hav to eat and if that means I will cry at every meal. So, be it.

I can give up my career cos it is not what I really want.
But food - if I cannot find good food I don't eat. To eat food that is not tasty is asking me to stab myself.

And here Sadhguru has to give me his last message. He too is a foodie and here he has given up his food and jus eat kanji for past 1 month. Don't make the physical more important than living well.
Sadhguru, I will eat but I will also cry.
Sadhguru, please don't give up on us.