Angry with myself for believing I don't need protection

Jan 10
Woke up at 4.30 am before alarm. Body was fine, so got up at 5 am to take shower. Did the standing postures followed by breathing. Shakti and Shambhavi was fine but there were many tots of a contract negotiation that is happening today.

I can feel the fear in me. Worrying about the contract negotiations. At first judge myself for not able to convinced the client and not understanding the seriousness of the said clauses. But then I have never encountered any disputes before. So, I will learn. Also then realised I need to qualify the authority to the Marketing Director by saying I needed an email proof that their Purchasing has accepted their purchase requisition and PO being processed and there is a limit of RM30k.

No worries, don't take this personally, the deal will go thru.

I finally realised I was angry with myself, for believing I had no needs, I don't need to be comforted, don't need to be protected, don't need to be cherished.
I even believe that when I love my partner, he doesn't have to do anything to obtain my love. He need prove his love. He need not show his love, he need not cherish me. My love is true and committed.

Father, with this kind of belief, how can I expect to anyone to protect and comfort me. I have always been envious of people who gets protection. I tot it was me who is not so lovable, so others are not keen to safeguard me. I will be resentful of people who got more TLC vs me, especially if I don't think they deserve it. And sad to say, I normally think they deserves it, except for me. So, I look to myself and God for protection. I keep on saying God had given me many gifts and with it comes responsibility. No wonder I resisted Sadhguru and played down on my spiritual receptivity cos I tot with more powers, more responsibility, no more love. That's is also why I don't want to go Kailash, cos I don't want to go higher.

Now I know it was my belief that keeps others from loving me, from cherishing me.
No wonder I m angry but since it was not realised, it went into my body.
As I was driving, my new mantra I deserved to be cherished.

Resolution
Fighting.
An explosive temper or a smouldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frightened people away, we can avoid being hurt even more.
Its time to stop fighting, there is so much love available to u, if u just let it in. Start by forgiving urself.

Soul
My case, suppressed rage at myself causing joints inflammation. I limit my growth from all angles, so that I don't have to be responsible for everyone, so I can then still be eligible to ask for comfort.

I believed I don't need and can't get comfort, so I stop asking from myself and others. I even give the impression I don't need comfort by suppressing by sadness and rage.

Father, I finally see how I have created myself. It is Shame on me for disallowing myself to be loved and cherished.

Reading Z's north node in Aquarius and South node in Leo. I knew he can't give love but I said I will give love for both of us. Shame on me.

Seven of hearts.
Indicates betrayal by those we love.
We allowed ourselves the freedom to be just who we are and experience just how it feels to

Soul
Yes. I am the betrayer myself. I disallowed myself to be loved and cherished.
No wonder I always have the feeling of being unloved. It was I who kept myself away from being loved.