Negative tots on Z

Jan 6 Eve
Father, finally went for massage after a 3 year break. It was not as bad as I expect cos I bought some good oil. My body feels better. Yes, just go for massage when needed especially since Z is not with me now, needed a release. I helped myself today, feels good.

Just now suddenly I couldn't see Z in my What's app, and immediately I tot he blocked me. So, I tot that's the end. But I didn't want to believe it and promptly went to check his status. It looks fine and then I went back to main menu and saw all messages after 27 Dec is gone. So, then I knew it was the system clean up.

Father, I m so negative. Every time I perceived rejection. Why do I always think that? Sadness came in and I felt like crying. I got an overwhelming task in front of me. When I first start with Z, it was the fear of future rejection and now need to do when I had already been rejected. What a tough one!  A tot came, then nothing to lose as u already lost it.
I need courage for this. I really need faith.

When I watched leela this morning, I cried cos I have not been celebrating life, I have been avoiding it. I truly needed help to take this journey of faith on Z. Its ok, Sadhguru is with me.
Tot of sending Z my kapalvriksha wishes. But I pulled back, don't want to be so needy, don't want to lose face. He has not response to me yet. I did send him two messages today. This is a breakthru for me. Save it lah.


Osho
As long as u think another person can give u happiness u will receive only hurt. Happiness is ur self nature. If it is possible to obtain happiness, u would have found it by now.
For how many lives, have u held ur begging bowl in front of others and begged? - and u have never bothered to see that they were begging from u too.
This blindness goes very deep. If u had happiness to give to her, would u have asked her for it and vice versa. We only ask for those things that we don't have. We give others what we have; we ask for what we don't have.

Soul
For a moment, I felt down.
But I try to stay true.
Its true I want Z but I want to share with him, a sense of ease. He had worked so hard n its time for rest.
Aiyah, let me have faith.

(Jan 9 - a msg for me...but I ignored it
My dream is self mastery...as I felt I don't own myself. I don't express myself fully...
Z's dream is emotional love...which means he doesn't have love...?? Can he then give me love which I am seeking from him. )