My projections...my blindness on Z

Jan 11 Aft
Father,
Not sure on the msg. I tot my release is complete. I m expecting completion card or friendliness.



Osho
1. Me - laziness
2 him - lovers
3. Composite - projection
4. Insight - sorrow.

U have loved Z so much and u have staked all and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, those are the occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware.
The arrow is hurting; it can be used. The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u become aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.
Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.

Soul
Father, I just told S that I shared with Z, my blog. I said I need to express my emotions, otherwise pain will come. I told her, she wants to express and her 'friend" wants to listen, so they are perfect. Me, I cannot talk and Z don't want to listen. I can write but Z don't read and can't write.

Father, suddenly it occurred to me that Z and I don't have any communications, we don't share our emotions, that's why we have frequent explosion.

And that's why he is now ready to get married to another girl. What s fuck up? Shame on me for not having good communications, which is my forte at work. But, I had difficulty in expression. From now onwards, need to express. I must remember if I don't express, pain will come.

Was updating my blog and saw The Source card in this week "what to do?".
I went in and found my Inner Guidance and it said to express and released my blog to Z.

Father, this is a new beginning for me. I now learned the value of expression. Also, I can now finally open up my website, together with my blog. Amen.

Soul
Now I understands the Laziness card. I may have found my heart and release its sadness. But going forward, I need to learn to express verbally.
Suddenly recalled Ad said I m not confrontation verbally, I only do it via email, via writing.

Z and I don't communicate. We avoid it. I avoid out of fear of losing him. He avoid because he doesn't want to know my feelings, he doesn't want to get attached, doesn't want to get involved, as he is focused on his original plan of getting married with children. He knows he is going to leave me and so don't want to be entangled. That's is why he never wanted to initiate any calls.

Father, I have blinded myself :(

He has never been true with me. I recalled when we first started, he said that is his plan and if I agree, he will play.I agreed because I fell in love with him and he is my cosmic lesson and I wanted to open and released my body sexually. I knew something is blocked within me.

He was my Seven of Spades - faith card. So, I just continues to love him quietly cos he didn't want to know of my love. To him, that will only make him guilty for leaving me when the time comes. That's why he feel justified in marrying another girl without giving me advance notice.

So, I can't say he cheated me, I cheated myself because I was hoping albeit in futile. I was the stupid one. My perception was distorted because of my entanglement, because of my love, because I want to be with him.

It was only sex for him, but love for me. I hoped he can see my love from my love making, but he only take it as my experiment. He pretend that I m experienced sexually, eventhough he knew he was the first guy for me. He prefers not to know so he can let go of me without guilt.
So, he doesn't want to listen to my feelings, he doesn't want me to express myself so he can continues to pretend that I am the same as him, being with him for sex, just for the play. He can 'play' for one and half year without being entangled at all.

But I need not blame myself for not expressing my feelings as I have been blocked by him many times as he doesn't want to know about my feelings. I know I did try a couple of times, but he runs away. And when I write to him out of desperation, he waived and jokes it off as he really, truly don't want to know about me. And here, I explore every facet of him :(

Now finally can see today Osho's composite card of Projection.

I blinded myself with hope that he will eventually love me and he blinded himself that I never love him and since he never declared, he can absolved himself for any involvement with me. And as for the confidential rship. It is not because he may lose focus on his business.

The confidentiality of our rship is to facilitate a clean break for him. To enable him to break up easily without anyone knowing about us, about me. I used to think he was ashamed of me, that he cannot show me up as his girlfriend, but it has nothing to do with me. He hides me so he can have a clean break.
Shame on me for putting him on a pedestal. I should be putting myself up.

Now that my perception is cleared, I have to take. I can't least remove the pain of betrayal by Z. He didn't betrayed me. He just stood to his original plan, avoid his feeling, ignore my feelings. It was I who is blind.

I just need to see how my love for him blinded me. And how my fear of expression, fear of sadness and fear of losing him makes me unable to express with clarity, resulting in me blindly hoping and Z executing his original plan without any qualms of hurting me.

Father, I m now determined to express myself in future. Suppression not only result in RA pain but also caused me unhappiness in my relationships. I have found my heart and my courage for expression. I m determined to live well.