Autoimmune disorder - putting myself down

Jan 9 Eve1

Deb Shapiro
If the immune system is overactive against internal antigen, then it can start destroying the body, as in autoimmune diseases; if it is underactive, then abnormal body cells will develop, as in cancer.

Autoimmune disorder
U need to ask urself how u have become an enemy to urself and/or to what extent u allow others to influence u, in denial of ur own tots or feelings.
1. Do u feel if u r not really valid?
2. Do u think u don't have any needs?
3. Are u carrying guilt, shame or blame from the past that is wearing away ur self esteem? 
4. Do u have an underlying dislike or hatred of urself?
5. Do u spend ur time helping others but refusing help urself?
6. Are u critical of urself?
7. Do u constantly put urself down?
8. Is someone else wearing away at u, corroding ur sense of worth?
9. Have u lost ur ability to discriminate?
10. Do u let someone else determine what u think or feel?

Soul
When I read this, I suddenly moved at "do u constantly put urself down?"
"do you feel u r not valid".
"do u think u don't have any needs?"

When Z wanted to break off with me on mid July cos he said I don't feel secure with him financially, I was sad. I said I m ok if he reject me because of another gal, but not him feeling down.
I couldn't let him go feeling down about himself. I literally beg to be in. And he came back.

Now he reject me with another gal, I can accept. But I m hurt that he wasn't open with me that he had moved on, while I m still in love with him, missing him eventhough I broke it off in mid Sept. Even after I broke off, I make sure I still keep in touch, don't want to feel bad I ran off, just like his ex-wife.

Father, why I don't valued myself? Why I tot Z shouldn't feel 'small' while I can. What make me think I don't have feelings, don't have needs.

I m crying loads when I write this. I really don't cherish myself.
 How can I expect others to cherish me.

 I used to complain to Z that I m not his priority list. Actually my real complaint is that he doesn't cherish me. And I allow it to continues, giving him and myself excuses on why I m not priority. The truth is he doesn't love me and so he can't cherish me.
And perhaps deep down I too doesn't love myself as I don't treasure myself in romantic rship. I give out in terms of tolerance and empathy but to Z, that is not valid. 

No wonder P said I m egoless in romantic rship. But outside romantic rship, my ego works fine, so fine that others think I m self centred, protect myself well in work and with friends. Now I see the imbalance.

I always have negative tot of myself whenever I couldn't get a response from Z. I always believed he would reject me. That's what caused me to ask for the few break ups. But it always turns out to be untrue and I slowly gain confidence and have faith in my lovability.
But it was destroyed by his final rejection. He got himself in marriage without any advance notice to me.
And here I still have hopeless tot on him. Its because I don't want to feel sad, don't want to feel my unlovability.

I didn't even tot Z was unfair to me. I just tot he can't confront, so didn't tell me. Or he tot I no longer love him since I was the one who broke it off. He just switched me off, after nearly 2 years.

Father, I m angry with myself. How can I not cherish myself, why give others empathy and none for myself. Why be fair to others, but not to myself. Of all people, I should need the most tender loving care.

I m my own enemy in romantic rship. I lower my standards, I accepts substandard care. I truly didn't cherish myself. Only when u hit my tolerance level, then I break.

I loved A because he was the first person I opened up my mind on my past.

I loved Z because he was the first person I opened up my body. He broke my heart, but I found my heart. Z doesn't like to express emotions, he runs away and he doesn't like me to express too, so I kept it.

Maybe, the next one, is the one I will open up my heart, my emotions.