Joy and bliss is within me...not with Z

Jan 13
Yday slept at 1.30 am, after reading Osho - daya and watching leela. I went to bed and suddenly laughter erupted.

Woke up with ok mood and body seems rested. But my fingers are numb, I knew this means I numb my feelings. Could be yday I numb it when I went to see Pe. I try to listen to my heart. I couldn't find it.

Came back after walk and breakfast. Now reading newspaper and saw Z's horoscope that he be meeting someone new. This is same as what his cards says, I start to feel sad.
A tot came, why I always think he will be better and I m left unwanted, why can't I have happy tot of myself, why can't I create of happy tot for myself.

Father, now m feeling unsure. I admitted I could be numbing myself. I don't want to do that but I don't want to be sad too. Guide me.

Or could it be I haven't been taking my medicine for past 2 days.

Just washing my face, suddenly tears came. If Pe is right that Z cook up the story of marriage just to get rid of me, that is even more sad. That's means he rejected me even when he hasn't found his partner, that is how much he want to get rid of me.

An alternative tot came, this is the advance notice u both talked about two years ago. The day he wanted to finally get married, he has to pull it out in advance, not at the verge. Father, noted but still I m sad that he never changed his mind. I too had doubts about him but I changed my mind cos I love him. He never love me, so won't even challenge his mindset.

Was washing my hair and suddenly I cried, it is truly over for him to be so cruel. I cried for awhile, did my body scrub and then proceed to release myself sexually as it is finally over.  It was not so easy, first tot was Z, I tried to replace him with another face, but I couldn't. Then I try Z again, but couldn't too. In the end, just focus on my pleasure and I reached orgasm. Then laughter exploded from me.  Continuous laughter, a tot came on what Osho said about the joy and bliss is in me, not my partner. I finally experienced it.

I tot I m such a treasure, a lovely, courageous, joyful woman. I have experienced life ups and down, but I stay intact. I m grateful.

My osho card for the day
Moment to moment
This is similar to my insight yday of taking one day at a time.

This card challenges us to move away from our preoccupations with other spaces and other times, and stay alert to what is happening here and now.
Life is a great ocean in which u can play if u drop all ur judgements, ur preferences and attachment to the details of ur long term plans. Be available to what comes ur way, as it comes. And don't worry if u stumble or fall, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, have a good laugh, and carry on.

Soul
Amen.

Queen of Spades (the card of Self-mastery)
We r given a special opportunity to achieve much success in our external life, by mastering ourselves within.  This means creating more success by changing our inner tots, beliefs, and attitudes instead of trying to alter our external circumstances.

Soul
Yea. First step, I knew joy and bliss is in me.