Jan 15 Eve
Now in overseas for business. Did a good day work and went back to hotel for a swim.
I did my breast stroke but I seems to stop half way. Then I start to cry uncontrollably. I asked Father, why can't I swim far, why I am still afraid. How long will the fear lasts? An answer came, its ok. U r afraid now. Just accept u r afraid, its ok.
With that, I seem to calm down and swim at a more leisurely pace.
I swam second laps towards the end of the pool, where there is a downpours of water. The man made water fall in the pool is loud and I can cry my heart out. I now welcome tears as I knew it is a good release and it healed me.
Last Saturday, I couldn't cry long as there were many people. Today was just me alone. So, I continued to unabashedly. Firstly no one and secondly the pouring water covers my cries.
When I was crying, I asked how long the sadness will be? How to go on living with such sadness?
After all the loud cries, I felt much better and started to swim.
As I was swimming alternate free style and breast strokes, this on coming lap was supposed to be free style and I plan to do free style. But somehow I start to do breast strokes. When I was swimming leisurely, I didn't immediately reach out my hands to swim, instead I let the flow of water takes me when I have both my feet and palms closed, making an arrow shape allowing the flow of water to take me further before I used my hands strokes to swim further. I just let the water take me and then my hands automatically shift towards the surface of water, then I do my hand strokes. It was effortless.
For the first time in my life, I can swim breast strokes effortlessly. There is hope for me
Then a tot occurred to me, that's my answer, let life takes me, I need not paddle continuously. Once I kick out my legs (do my action). I should stop and let life do my action work with life and let life response to do its part. I need not continue my hand strokes (second action) immediately.
I have plead with Z for a chat which he refused. I have open my blog to him and shared my soul, but he didn't response. I have cried my heart out, crying every day for the past 2 weeks. I have finally wrote him 'obituary of thankfulness' for my growth with him. I have allowed my tears to flow whenever it wants to. I have totally open up my soul, being vulnerable to Z and life.
So, now I need to rest. I m actually exhausted from doing all I can to release my sadness n let go of Z from my heart.
Alas understands why I got Osho Exhaustion card this week.
Amen. The tears helped me, hence again my Ice-Olation card under Issue this week.
I then say a prayer of thanks to Father and Sadhguru. I laugh loads. I tot I lost my energy connection to water cos for the past one month, I only laugh little in the pool. My receptivity is back, my joy is back. Amen.
Today card
Jack of Spades
It represent an initiation into a higher life style, thus would be considered to be a spiritual initiation.
Soul
True. Really moment to moment.
Today I mistakenly locked my luggage bag. I was surprised that I was quite calm about it.
I even tot to ask my ex boss personal secretary as they normally handled emergency. So R helped me to unlock within 3 minutes. Hurray.
Just now was on correspondence with teacher. Had to tell her problem faced. I knew she will react. But I don't like C's reply that seems to insinuate that I m not acting like a team player, me the whistle blower.
Aiyah, maybe her intention was to make sure V won't feel bad and that we are here as a team. This could be my envious, being Outsider comes in. Just let her be and I be myself.
Suddenly a tot came, C seems very good in getting sympathy. Whereas I have difficulty in getting cos I think I don't need it. Instead of judging her, learn from her. Mmm, a transforming idea. Hurray!
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