Learning to cry over losing Z

Jan 1
Did my Shoonya and Samyama. Suddenly mouth open wide and I cried about losing Z despite loving him. Laughter towards the end. Felt better.

A lovely day. Whole family in 3 cars went to waterfall, followed by a sumptuous lunch. I was quite daring in the waterfall, I did slides. The water was not as energetic as the previous one, but I enjoyed it.

I am fulfilling my Top 5. Did had some tots of Z with us, but alas he had moved on. Some drama tots came in that his future wife cannot conceived, and I brushed it off. I wish him well. Just as my dream of self mastery via yoga practices is sure, so is his dream of emotional power via wife and children is sure too. He may be my soul mate and cosmic card, but I am not his. While he is my Moon card but his Seven of Spades won't concede to me. And since he has stopped his yoga practices more than one and half year ago, it will take a miracle for him to change his mind.

Ur body speaks ur mind - deb Shapiro
Fear is about the future and about what might happen, what the next moment could bring or how change will affect u.
Change is the essence of all life, but when it is resisted it brings uncertainty and doubt. If that uncertainty is resisted, it brings fear. If it is embraced, it brings security and fearlessness in deeper acceptance that nothing can be held onto, as all things are constantly changing. 

Soul
Yea, Z and I were together for one and half year and half year of continued break ups by both parties. Alas, truly ended. Let me accept this good ending.

A tot came, Z said we look for what we lacked. For the past 2 years, he was looking for material wealth, whereas I was looking for rship. This time eventhough I didn't get him, my faith in yoga practices is still on, I know I need it to go thru this difficult period. My lesson is to learn to let go of my need for rship and to know I m fine. Previously before Z, I tot I m fine without a partner,  but it was false. I need to know the pain and pleasure of rship before I can truly faced my period of aloneness. As for why I had to go thru final rejection from Z is to let me overcome my fear of unlovability. This time, I don't feel unloved. I just tot it sad we cannot be together.

Osho
When Buddha became enlightened. Someone asked him, "what have u attained?" He said, "I have not attained anything; I simply understood what I already had. I just understood it; I did not attained anything.

The ultimate state of divine is already the case with u too. Just look inside and see what a great throne u r sitting on! But here u r wandering, sometimes run after wealth, after rshsips, and etc. And if u ever get tired of these, u immediately begin a new race for another thing or enlighten-ment.

If u become calm, if the clouds of desire which are surrounding u disappear, then that light will manifest right now. The light has always been present. The Sun is simply hiding amongst the cloud 

 Soul
Thanks for the reminder.