Z in my daily prayer of thanks

Jan 14
Father, woke up with Z in my mind. I miss us and tot of our good times, that will never be repeated. Wish we could be like the other couple whose goal is on spiritual path. But that is not to be.
I have to go on my own.

Sadhguru said if u r conversant in the physical, the physical will yield to you. If u r conversant in the other dimension, divinity bows to u.
Z and I are opposite. Z's forte is in physical and mine is in other Dimension. I admitted it won't be easy but that's the attraction. We bring a balance to each other, we complement each other.
I m not afraid of differences cos I always form team with opposites. Everyone complement each other and we become a better team.

When Z and I started, I was inexperienced and he patiently and gently helped me to open up sexually. He was patient and never rush me, always considerate. With him, from a frightened virgin, I become someone who can enjoy sex with him. There are still many things I want to try and experience with him. Alas, no more.

I used to be very tight with money as it is my security.  I needed money to feel secure so I don't spend unnecessary except for food. I also avoid capital commitment and infact was loan free when I met Z. Whereas Z has many loans obligation. So, he looks 'good' but owes bank and me looks average but quite loaded with savings and Z had none.
When I saw how unconcerned he is with money, I was scared shit. I cannot be with a man that is financially insecure.
But he taught me that without commitment there is no growth.
And slowly I let go of my need for accumulating money. I renovated my room and bathroom. With my inherent good taste, it was not cheap. Infact others wonder why I spend so much. Its been nearly one year after renovation and I enjoy my room. I had wished for him to see my room and sleep with me but it never happen.
I used to buy only only used cars, but I learned from Z that money is meant to be enjoyed.
I also tot I could never drive big car but Z encourages me. So, I finally bought a big expensive car.  It was bit of challenge for me to park the car, but alas I m now comfortable, thanks to the back camera.

So he has helped me to be more conversant of the physical.

Lastly I used to take any "rejection" such as unanswered, unreturned phone calls personally. I would have have all sort of negative drama in my mind. Z had given me so many such situations as he wills that he cannot and should not call me so that he won't develop any feelings for me.
I learned to ignore his 'rejection' and continues to love him. My osho Outsider card was heavily activated with Z but now I can see it as it is.

That's why Z is in my daily prayer of thanks, even to this day. Despite his cruel rejection of me, and my sadness, I never fail to thank him daily for being him. Amen.

Suddenly realised that I m writing an obituary to Z as he had passed away from my life.
A tot came, still one thing to do, my open letter to Z. I wanted him to know my vision of our relationship, if we had continued to be together.

Today card is Z
Seven of Spades
This card challenge u to rise to higher levels of thinking, speaking and acting in areas that u r likely to be holding some negative patterns that need to be changed.
If u r willing to take responsibility for ur condition and practice positivity in spite of circumstances, u can realise the powerful spiritual potential of this card and attain new heights. In its highest form, this is the card of Faith.

Soul
Exactly. Same card of Trust like a fool in osho.
I m lovely, joyful and courageous. I have love Z despite no hope of a committed rship.
Whatever I learned with Z will be with me.