Still numbing myself (2)

Dec 29 Eve
Father, I m feeling sad but don't feel like crying. Tots of the osho relationship cards today

When I was compiling my stories, tot of the article I send to Z about 2 months ago, I said I didn't want children. Tot I shouldn't send it. But then do I really want children. He needs obligation to feel complete. Me, don't want.


1. Me - clinging to the past. It is no longer there, so u r crying for split milk. The past is gone and any effort to repeat it is a sure way to stay stuck in old blue prints that u would have already outgrown if u hadn't been so busy clinging to the past.

2. Him - possibilities. Don't be content easily.

3. Composite - courage.
When we are faced with difficult situation, we have a choice: we can either be resentful and try to find somebody to blame or we can face the challenge and grow. If the seed is to become the flower, we must go through them. Be courageous to grow into the flower u r meant to be.

4. Insight - the miser
The moment u become miserly u r closed to the basic phenomenon of Life. The moment u start clinging to things, u have missed the target. Because things are not the target - u, ur innermost being, is the target.

Soul
Father, when I first read it, immediately I interpreted Z as having loads of new gals. Now I see it as him exploring, expanding his plans.

Now I see the miser cards. He is clinging to his plans and me to him. Just like him I too am afraid to grow. I cannot judge him as I too am clinging to my plan of not having children or growing. Let's not cling, let me released him.

Just watched Sadhguru's dvd on leela. Life is just a play, don't take it seriously. I m feeling better with Sadhguru's energy.