My heart is open - open my blog to Z

Jan 11

I had a dream of Z making love to me, in front of others meditation members. I even saw his little black book where he records the number of times he made love to us. I saw P name for one time and become upset cos he was not open with me. Then I saw my names, the most times in the list. I said it doesn't matter who he had made love too as I m the one he comes back too. With that I woke up.

First tot I had was Z was in my mind, still not fully released. Not sure what else is left to released.
Then I said maybe the dream is to confirmed Z opened my body but not my heart.
I have to be the one who open my heart. I don't need another lesson.

Took a shower and I did my asanas followed by breathing. There were some little tots of office end Z but I waived it. While I was doing Shakti, suddenly a voice said, tell Z the blog.

I was surprised as this has never occurred to me. But I was open to the inner voice and said I will check my Osho card and if the same msg came, I will share the blog. After all, nothing to lose, he is already lost and won't be in my future, so no impact to my vulnerability in releasing my emotions. There is nothing to hide. When I did Shambhavi, it occurred to me, perfect release. Release my blog, followed by release in Sathsang.

My lesson is to open my heart and express my feeling, It may have come too late but at least I had a proper closure as Z won't even want to have a chat with me. Since it is also difficult for me to open up, whatever left unsaid is all in my blog. Whether he reads or not, doesn't matter, main thing is I learned to overcome my fear to express my feelings. I know he already made up his mind, and there is no more hope of us but there is hope for me still. This is a new beginning.
 In future, when I have my partner, I will blog to release and then tell him my feelings. It is a delayed expression but one step at a time. Amen.

Just checked my Whatsapp, Z would have read my message. I no longer need to suffer in silence.