Still numbing myself

Dec 28
Did my practices. Surka kriya is lovely. Only got it right after 4 years. Truly knew what Sadhguru meant by infusion with breathe. Once I m infused, no tots, just silence and a sense of peace settled and violet flame arise and continues to aum chanting.

Father, these days I can feel my body when I do shavasana. I feel grounded.

RA
What changes after RA
- I take care of myself, reduces stressful situations
- I persevere in my yoga practices.
- with my joints pain, I avoid strenuous game.
- I can have sympathy.

Normally everyone says I self protect. Even now when I m heartbroken over Z, there is little sympathy for me. They says I will get over it quickly, not a problem for me.

On kailash, I used to avoid because of food and joints. Now that I can take Indian food, its mainly joints problems. I cannot walk long.

Your body speaks ur mind
Meditation creates the space to see how ur mind works, how tots and dramas come and go. But instead of getting lost in the story and then feeling bad about it, u develop greater objectivity. U no longer need to identify with ur story or the details; u r free to let it go.

Soul
The old me suppressed the feelings but numbing myself. I m the type that don't worry if I lost something. To me, worrying won't bring it back, so don't waste time.

This time, I didn't numb myself, but somehow not as sad as I could be. I just feel I have done all I could. My pride is hurt for going back. I could hurt myself by dramatising on him. But I don't want to, cos it will create story that make me sad and I don't want to. This time, I know the source of my sadness is my imaginary drama. So, stop creating mind drama, no sadness.

8 Jan 2013.. still numbing