Seeking valuation in work, now that I lost Z

Jan 18 Eve
Finally, back home after 4 days biz trip.
Body is feeling feverish, took an aspirin. Suddenly tot of Z who seldom take pills and prefer to let his own body does its natural defend. In my case, my Rheumatoid pills suppressed the immune system and so there is a tendency for me to fall sick when I take a flight.

Just now I had some negative tot on the ex company. I was chasing for money owes to us, after 3 weeks of silence and here they insinuated that I m impatient and not nice for pressuring S. Also I knew they other countries too. I began to have my negative tots about them.
This time I knew it was because of The Outsider card. I also knew that since I lost Z's approval, I lost my valuation and automatically fall back to work. I won't be hasty. I will investigate first.

M definitely having a fever, I can see a double eye lid. Perhaps I could have caught a cold in the pool yday as it was very chilly. I just took a quick shower. The aspirin will help and a good night sleep. I m best a home, a true crab.

Today received an preposterous reply from the website company. They claimed that my website contravene their religious belief and hence they cannot. My tot is they don't want to do but they don't how to say no. So, I just replied noted. But I did forward the email to the introducer.

A tot came, perhaps this is just like Z. Don't know how to say no, best to cook up a marriage date, such a coward.

As I was reading 7thunders notes, I saw Uranus - unexpected event. A good period of letting go for Sevens and Nines.
My first tot was good for Z to let go of me...but then tot perhaps he was supposed to let go of his old plan..but he couldn't hence his Pluto challenge of Five of Clubs.

Then Queen of Heart in Neptune means dreaming or looking for a good rship. Now I know why the cards said be wary as the partner may not be what u think it is. It is a dream. That will be Z card from mid Feb onward. He is looking for a good rship...but since it is Neptune..a dream


Just like I dream of Z and it is not real. The sadness is lesser but I m feeling bit edgy, not my normal cheerful self. I guess this 4 days of hiding my sadness has taken its toll on me.

According to Louise Hays, fever is anger building up. I was angry with ex company. Or maybe deep down m angry at Z for being such a coward. Yea, courageous in carrying out plan but can't handle emotional confrontation.
Mmm, leave it. Take day by day.
At least I now know when the chattering in my mind become too noisy and I can opt to focus on my breath to reduce the noises.

Osho
All religions tell u to enjoy aloneness - because how can u go into urself until u enjoy aloneness? 
U must go there alone. That is why all religions tell you to light the lamp of meditation. Only the lamp of meditation can accompany you. Then u can descend into the deepest well. The journey is long. The journey into oneself is the longest journey.
Just by closing ur eyes, don't really mean your eyes are closed. U close ur eyes, but ur dreams of the outside world continue, the images of others continue to arise, - friends, ur loved ones, ur colleagues, etc. U close ur eyes but u r never alone. If u could be alone, u could go into urself even with ur eyes open.

The question is of removing the crowd. U will have to put aside all ur scriptures, all ur doctrines - because u will never able to go inside urself with such burden. This journey is possible only if u r weightless.