Finally see I have an issue with my money...is my problem..not Z

Jan 20
Father, woke up just before 7 am. Went for my walk alone as mom is away. The walk was quite peaceful. Had some tots, a mixture of office and Z. He no longer takes my mind. I was about to type he takes my world instead of mind. Guess what's in our mind is our world. No wonder both Sadhguru and Osho said if u changed ur beliefs which is all in ur mind, ur world changes.

There is something that I m procastinating, my third book, which is mainly my learnings with Z. I didn't want to complete it as I didn't want to end Z.

I need also to write the story about Stress, cos life can be effortless, if we trust life. I never tot it would be possible for me to swim like others, but I know now it can happen to me, if I just be calm and let life lead me.

There was a drama show yday about living life with regrets, I have none with Z. I have done all I could. I have gone and stayed with him despite my fear that he will leave me for a child-bearing woman, despite my fear about him giving me financial comforts.
I went into Osho to check my card. I didn't click Rship card as there is no more between Z and I. Just have to slowly but surely remove him. Tears starts to gather on the ending. 

I got the Sorrow card.

The pain is not to make u sad, remember. That's where people go on missing. The pain is just to make u alert - because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wound them.
When ur man leaves u, those dark nights, u r alone. U have loved that man so much and u have staked all, and then suddenly one day he is gone. Crying in ur loneliness, there are occasions when, if u use them, u can become aware. 
The pain is not to make u miserable, the pain is to make u aware! And when u r aware, misery disappears.

Time of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen, we must go deep, to the roots of our pains, and experience it as it is, without blame or pity.

Soul
Yea, my story on life can be effortless must be written 

I m now reading the first draft of my Third book.
I need high savings so that I can have my freedom to choose the type of job I want. Since I can't do biz, being in a job was given, so only way is to reduce spending. And to me, a financial commitment is a restriction as it restrict from leaving a job that I may not want.

Z also needs freedom and so he have his own biz. Since he is freed, he can earn the money he need to buy whatever he enjoys.
And he doesn't see the loan commitment as a restriction against freedom as he is fine with working for himself forever.

Father, I know I m getting nearer to complete my Cosmic lesson. Help me.

My original restriction is having to be in job. I worked to give myself a comfortable life style. But I make sure minimum life style so I need have to work further. So, the real issue is I don't like to work. That's why I always have a dream of 3 days work. But in order to fulfilled this dream, I must reduce my wants.

Instead of reducing my wants, why don't I do something that frees me, that I don't feel restriction. I always reduce my wants because I don't want to pay the price of working.
So, the real price is working, the real restriction is working.

To Z, having his own biz is about creation. He doesn't feel its a price to pay.
By expansion of his biz, he can then increased his wants. I have interpreted it wrongly, due to my own fear.

Father, this is the root and I know I m getting closer. Help me. Please help.

He buys things because he enjoys them. He is not a slave to buying as he can go on no food even. He truly enjoy doing business.

To me, buying things is increasing restriction as I felt my job is restriction. It is not buying things.

Father, why can't I expand? Why can't I do work that is not restricting me? 

Father, for the first time I can see I m the one to be pitied on, not Z. It could be me that need to straighten out my life, not him.

Father, tell me how?  For the first time since Z broke off with me a month ago, I finally see a glimmer of the results of Cosmic Lesson.

Father, guide me.

I think it is me that need to change my view on creation vs job. Once I perceived price to pay, means it is a restriction to me.

That's why I keep harping on Z to collect money borrowed by his friend. I want Z to pay less price on working. I care about him and don't want him to suffer further as I perceived working is suffering. But I m sure he thinks I am judging him...infact I am caring cos I wouldn't lend the money in the first place, out of fear.

Father, it is me. Finally after 2 years, I m looking at Myself. I have an issue with my work. The issue is not money.