Uncertainty over my ending with Z...something is unfinished

Jan 2 Aft
Father, just did Shoonya, not so great, couldn't go in deep.

Got the osho cards.
1. Issue - no-thingness
 Being in the gap can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lies ahead.

Soul
Yea, for 2 years I was with Z and in the Ashram, I pledged myself to him and now got knocked off. Feeling uncertain, not sure what's next.

2. Internal influence
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which is going to be taken away. Trust life.
If u trust, only then u can dropped knowledge, only then u can put ur mind aside. And with trust, something opens up.
There is a tremendous sense of exhilaration if we can take the jump and move into the unknown.

3. External influence
Playfulness
The moment u see life as non serious, a playfulness, all the burden on ur heart disappears. All fear of death, of life, of love, everything disappears. One starts living almost no weight.

Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be, and when we recognise this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.

Soul
Tot of sadhguru's leela dvd. Krishna said no to animals sacrifices due to fear of god and created a new ritual and yet he was fine too later to lead the sacrificial prayer. Seems inconsistent.
In a way, that's how I am with Z.
Also, now I m back to Isha volunteering despite my earlier turmoil of letting go.
Perhaps there is nothing in life to be taken seriously.

4. What is needed for resolution
Courage
When we are faced with a very difficult situation, we have a choice: we can either be resentful or find something or someone to blame, or we can face the challenge and grow.

Be courageous enough to grow into the flower u r meant to be.

Soul
I m not sure on this. What I know now is to move on from Z since he already moved on.
Just now I had a crazy tot, go back to Z, ignored his resistance and buy times. Really crazy and suicidal. This can't be.
Perhaps I m to focus back on my website and writing since this is my Jupiter period. I haven't been active for the past 1 month.

5. Resolution
Postponement
Could this be website. I just emailed out to 3 freelancers.