Having tots of Z

Dec 28 Eve
Father, I had a good dinner followed by a movie at sister's house. Had some tots of Z and wish he is with me, spending time with my family. I then remembered he had moved on and so I have too. I also recalled my dream is Queen of Spades - self mastery and his is Eight of Hearts - emotional power.

Osho
Instead of thinking how to relate, fulfil the first requirement: meditate, be, and then relating will arise out of its own accord. One who becomes silent, blissful, one who starts having overflowing energies, becomes a flower, has to relate. It is not something that he has to learn how to do, it starts happening. He relates with people, he relates with animals, with trees, he relates even with rocks.

Soul
That's true. The first time I relate to rocks was at the rock pool two years ago. Last week, I can feel the energies from the rocks in the waterfalls. That's why, I keep on dipping my head breathing under water, just like in Teethakhoon.

Osho
When two centres meet, a new thing is created. That new thing is called love. Suddenly u become content, as if u have just achieved everything. U have reached the goal. There is no further goal, destiny is fulfilled. The seed has become a flower, has come to its total flowering.
Deep contentment is the visible sign of love.

Soul
Everyone told me that whenever I tot of Z, a smile will come to my face. They said I looked happy.
Father, I did let him into my center, and he too but I kept mine open whereas he shut his.

A tot on Z. He asked me many times on having children. I ignored him cos I don't want to talk about it. I never wanted children as it is a never ending responsibility. I don't want to give up personal time off.
I did tot of having a daughter with Z, as a token of our love. But I didn't tell cos at age 45, nor sure if I can still be pregnant n I can't commit to something I may not deliver.
And last, I want to be loved.
Just a tot.