Bodymind - inflammation

Jan 7
Father, I couldn't sleep immediately yday. I tossed bit, worried about today meeting and some about Z. After 15 minutes of tossing, I focus on my breathe and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up before alarm rang, with a dream. Got some resistance and I m glad I now take shower first. So, had shower and do suria namaskara. It was quite good, got both palms flat on the ground and able to lift head last. Breathing meditation was good and I saw violet flame. Shakti and Shambavi were good too. Head was shaking loads during Shambhavi and one time during Shakti. Ended with loads of laughter, like last Saturday, which is not common.

Deb Shapiro
The most common difficulty with joints is inflammation, indicating hot and angry feelings trying to find expression.
It indicates a resistance or conflict with what is happening, a build up of angry or irritable emotions, or an inability to say what u really want to.
1. What is making you so sore or inflamed?
2. What is making u feel so hot or fired inside?
3. What is so irritating that it is restricting your expression? 

When the joints are sore or inflamed, then the feelings being expressed are often critical, irritated or inflexible ones, so u need to release the cause of those feelings.
What is needed to loosen the joints? More forgiveness, more acceptance or more love for yourself.


Soul
I was afraid of losing approval and hold back my anger or sadness.
I was afraid to let go of my personality of a high EQ person, fear of losing my stature, fear of losing my valuation, fear of losing approval
I was also afraid to express due to fear of disappointment.
Just like I now want to tell Z of my wishes in kapalvriksha but I m afraid he will reject me outright.

Me, actually I can learn a thing or two from C on rships as she is now holding two. Or perhaps she already dropped one. I think my negative tot on her is due to envious feeling that she always seem to project the right image and keep herself out of reach from others anger, unlike me. When she is around, my valuation dropped and there is possibility of losing my current approval. Father, I m really confused. I seems to slap myself. I want approval and yet don't want to pay the price, resentment sets in and I rebel and give up. But then I missed it. Father, I just send Z my wishes. Not sure how he react but I expressed what I want. Amen. Just accept that I love him and say what I desire.

Father, all my negative tots are very critical, something S would says, such a negative Parent, like my brother. I have grown up disliking authority and hence always avoid or rebel against authority. I tot I m always kind to myself, giving me freedom for everything. Alas, I m extremely judgemental on myself. Very negative, very demoralising. With such negativity, I don't really need enemy.

Father, I felt a sense of relief after telling Z about my wishes.


Deb Shapiro
Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease in which ur immune system attacks the membrane of the joints due to abnormal rheumatiod factor in the blood.
Movement and expression becomes very limited, as the joints become progressively more rigid and painful.
The bodymind symptoms indicate there may be repressed anger.
As the rheumatiod factor is in the blood, this indicates the emotions are very involved here, especially the expression of love. An autoimmune difficulty implies the immune system is attacking u.

(Jan 11 - finally inflammation is now felt in my body. I was so hot for the past few night. Had to take a shower before I sleep)

Soul
For the first time in my life, I felt the immediate negative tots of others rejecting me is really not fair, infact outright nasty. Why I automatically assume people will reject me when I have done nothing wrong, there is nothing to be guilty of.
Actually that's how I tot of my brother whenever he judged me unfairly and unrequisited.
Father, thank u. The chapter on the book is timely.

1. How have u become ur own enemy?
2. Are u denying feelings of love, caring, tenderness and instead becoming overly self critical or judgemental, dismissing those feelings in ur heart as unimportant?
3. Do u feel stuck in a negative or criticising mode?
4. Are u feeling resentful or bitter about somebody
5.  Do u lack assertiveness and, feeling inhibited, find yourself unable to express urself in the way u really want to?
6.  Are u destroying urself with guilt or shame?
7. Do u have a tendency to undermine urself through criticism or a lack of self respect?
8. Due to condition, arthritis often have clenched fist - indicating desires to hit someone.
9. Is it hate that is replacing love?

Soul
Finally I see all of them.