Facing my fear for personal confrontation

Jan 3

This evening, S called me to tell me that she decided to have a last confrontation with her ex-boss. She said, she doesn't know the outcome but she need to air her view. She said worst case is he may ignored her call but she is prepared. At the very least she tried to clear matters. She asked for my opinion.
I told her I understands how she feels as we r in similar situation. I told her that it up to her, she do what she needs to.

Personally, I had a crazy tot to confront Z also but it is stupid and so I switched it off. I don't want to get rejected again and put myself thru another round of rejection and prolonged the sadness.

Then I proceed to dinner with my good friend, V.  This morning I tot I needed a sounding board for my issue with Z. I know something disturbed me. I am confused on my feelings, why still hold on, why not willing to let go despite that spiteful msg of rejection from Z. Towards the evening, I tot of cancelling the dinner appointment as my mood seems to be better, no point talking about Z, best to just let go and to forget about him, best to control and suppressed it.

I told V that I m uncertain of my feelings. Not sure if I m sad or not. But when I m sad, a tot will come asking me to stop my sadness. I also told him that I m unable to sleep, something that is unusual.
V said I m suppressing my feelings.
I shared with V, Z's brutal rejection msg. V said Z is just venting and doesn't meant it literally. He said I interpret the situation in absolute terms, I don't look at 'behind the scene'.
I am not sure about 'venting'. I said how can it be venting, he took a good 6.hours to reply my message, so it was not an impulsive msg, he means it. Venting to me is to get things off the chest, you don't said such mean ending message.
V said he does venting a lot and can say means things and regrets it. But after he vents, he forgot about it and he expect his partner or close friends to forgive and forget too.

I told him that now I realised S also vent. She seem to ignore that she has vented and act as if it didn't happen. I used to think she didn't care and was about to drop the friendship as it was not worth the pain.

I asked V, what right do they have to vent and couldn't even apologise thereafter. V said its true they vent, but they give 100%. So, this even out their venting. I said Z always ignored my break ups with him and he even waived my one time venting. I admit that when Z is with me, he gave himself to us 100%. I also said once he gave his commitment, he is always there regardless of what happens.
As I was writing this, I tot of S. I have scolded her, ignored her but she still stays with me. They are yoyos.
Its true, I don't give 100% but I m consistent at 70%.

V said that after they vent, they expect their partner to forgive and accept them. I replied but isn't that self sabotage. How can you expect to receive love when u have just vented and don't even apologise. V said they are looking for unconditional love. I said Z's dream is Eight of Hearts, emotional power, love. Well, the same thing Z expected when he broke off with me. Whereas mine is for self mastery

V then counter by saying that then I need to accept his opposite view and forgive Z and accept him. Even if Z doesn't want to get together. At least, there be a good closure. At least I have shared that I m open to having children with him instead of outright non negotiation.
I said I m not so sure on children and what if I can't give birth at my age.
I asked, Why can't Z changed his mind, why has to be me? 
V said both of us are control person. I said Z is stronger than me. V said Z's ego is higher than me, his pride is more than mine, so he can't change his mind.
Well, when I checked our nodes reading, it is stated that our rship can help us both learn to how to 'let go and let God'.

Jan Spiller
Creating a pathway that is in alignment with events as they are unfolding can help both of us to become less judgemental, more flexible, and help us surrender to the flow of unconditional love.

Aim for: understanding and forgiveness; trusting that a Higher Power is in charge; experiencing joy and bliss; letting other people be themselves; accepting that which u cannot change.


Soul
V said I m creating magnet for my fear in rship. Everytime when I faced hurdles with Z, it reaffirms my fear, as if I m looking for justification that I m right to fear rship, that it is not worth the price to pay.

Since my path is Self mastery, I must overcome and create new path. V said everyone is different. They may vent openly but we also vent, albeit silently. But for them, there are no resentment but whereas we harbour our anger.


Soul
Suddenly I recalled my first college boyfriend also did a spiteful rejection. It was totally unexpected. I admit I dilly dally and didn't want to involve him with my college mates. Bit of deejavu. I took his spiteful rejection and cut him off completely, was only sad for a few days. I never called him back and I recalled I was able to move on after 2 weeks. I told myself not to be sad. Even at that young age, my suppression mode is already quite strong.

Now I m doing the same with Z. Walking away eventhough I truly doesn't want to. Didn't express my feelings.

Father, this really requires faith. V was right.

S said I should not return to Z. But now I can see her for the parent that she is. So, I won't be heeding her input, as I think she is advising herself. I replied to her, whatever will be, will be.

I just did it. I send a msg asking Z if we can chat? to his what's app. Let's see.

I m real glad that V gave me an alternative view. Things may not be as absolute as I sees. There are subjectivity. Whatever happens, at least there is new insight and I m breaking the karmic hold that I m not lovable. I m courageous to try to seek love. A sense of relief came. Amen. Now I truly understands this week Osho card. I asked for help and You immediately send V and S.