Jan 8 Eve
Father, I just cried in my car after I re-read Z's message of his fixed marriage date.
I then knew why my mind keep on creating tots that he be back and this is just a test. I m afraid to be sad, so my mind create illusory happy tots instead. No wonder Sadhguru said, if u r identified with an idea, perception is not clear, as it is tinted with what we want. Since I want him and I m afraid of sadness, I delude myself with a wrong perception.
P was right, he never intends to marry me. It was me one sided. Z did try to correct me In the beginning but give up half way so I continues with the play.
And my perception that we had a true friendship is also unreal. He was not open with me. He was not truthful to me.
My dream is self mastery via spiritual mode. So, best partner is one that is doing Isha practices and is rich enough to have a nice guru pooja room to have Sadhguru's padam and linga bhairavi's too. I love to have a weekly sathsang.
Did Shoonya followed by Kapalvriksha. I went in deep during Shoonya, a deep silence.
I didn't cry. When I went into Kapalvriksha, I cried when I visualised Sadhguru, I asked him to help me, to heal me. I felt better after the release. For some moments, had tots of E, which I waived, some vengeful tots on Z, which I waived too as I don't wish him bad. I know we both will be fine after the separation.
First wish, to be healed and be with a partner that practices yoga, he has a nice pooja room, we travel to spiritual place like Kailash
Second wish is to be a famous author
Third wish is to have enough money to help people in need of financials and people in need of spiritual well being.
Amen.
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