I am afraid of Growth..

Jan 11 Aft 1
Father, my movement is rigid.

I m afraid to grow. To grow means more power, more responsibility, and no love. As I tot, more power, I lose the right to seek love as I had to create it myself. Only the weak one have such eligibility to seek love from others.

Mmm, this was drained to me by my mom. No wonder I don't want to be cured from RA as it gives me and others a valid excuse nor to grow.

My RA caused by my suppression of emotions. I suppressed due to fear of losing approval, losing my valuation as a high EQ person. I tot if I lost it, I m no longer special, I m no longer lovable.

Father, I just wrote to T on Kailash. I think that's next. I needed the lake to dissolve me. Dhynalinga opened me up. 

Six of Clubs
Your intuition will be stronger than usual.
Situations will arise that promote bringing your life into balance and stability. Whatever is out of balance will have to be adJusted so there may be karmic debts to pay.

Soul
Finally after all the tears and digging, I saw my blindness which cause me to have expectation on Z. He didn't betrayed me, I self blinded myself.
But I know if I didn't self blind myself, we couldn't have continued for so long. I wouldn't have found my heart, and open my heart.
This is a new beginning. I like to see where I go from here.
Another breakthru is I no longer take the break up as a personal rejection of me or my lovability. This time I can see my loveliness, my grace. I can see how I play a part.