Let me cry

Jan 10 Eve
Freed to cry out.

Came back from early from contract negotiation meeting. Suddenly feel like a walk in the park. Went with my sister and nephew and I walked for about 45 minutes. During the walk, I felt freed and my sister and I said we will walk weekly on Wednesday. I like that, another new beginning.
My sister commented that her sis in law and me are both single, but our life style so different. Her sis in law into drinking and mine is healthy.

Came back to do Shoonya and Samyama. Had some illusory tots on Z, I told myself to just accept my sadness and such tots will stop. Cried a bit over Z during Samyama.

Had a tot of Z. He had faced difficult times for the past two years. He deserved a rest now. I m happy for him, he is now financially stable n got the wife and family he wanted.

Then I tot I too had good wishes for the first person that I loved too. They didn't settled down with me. I m sad and yet I wish them well.
I m such a lovely person, always have kind tots for people, even when I m not in the equation. I need to start have the same loving tots for myself. Find myself a lovely partner, like me.

Was feeling hot and had a quick shower. A tot of telling Z that I m fine and I wish him well came. I dismissed it and said Z treated me shabbily. Even I wish him well, I don't have to tell him.
Then I started to cry out loud, a voice said, "why can't u cherished urself?". "why must u give others first?". I cried for a bit more and suddenly stop.

Father, I cried a few times today. I was about to write that I never cried so many times in a day, about to say, "I m done".  Suddenly, I start to cry uncontrollably, a voice said, begging, "let me cry", "let me cry", "let me cry".

A tot came, when the childhood incident happen, I want to cry but mom said cannot, ask me to stop crying. From that day, I can hardly cry eventhough I m sad. My tears normally last for a few second or so, and suddenly stop. I can never cry more.

I m crying again, a voice said "let me cry", "let me cry". Suddenly I was singing Nadha bramha. I quickly switched and CD and let myself cry throughout the song.

I feel better now. Suddenly I knew why I m mostly cold, cos I m frozen. Now that I m freed, I can feel the heat.

Father, I got the Guidance card today.  It said listen to my Inner Voice, it may be soft but I can follow it to safety.

Just now told S that I cried loads. I m no longer ashamed of my tears. I deserved to cry, just like I deserved to be cherished, to be loved, deserved to be taken care of.

Father, let my soft Inner Voice be heard. I will listen. Let me just be an ordinary gal that need love and comfort, I need not be the self-protected gal, going around saving and loving others before myself.