Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (7) - Faith

Jun 21
Today bit sleepy. Did my practice and had little happy tots on Z, which is good.

The Science of Mind
To have faith in God is to follow this faith through by having faith in the self.

The Law knows about us only that which we know about ourselves. Therefore it makes all the difference in the world what we are impressing upon the Law as being true about ourselves. For if we think poverty and lack, we are certainly creating them and causing them to be projected into our experience. If on the other hand, we think abundance, then the Law will as easily and as willingly create abundance for us.

To assert our individuality is to rise above the law of averages into that more highly specialised use of the Law which brings freedom rather than bondage, joy in the place of grief.
We cannot do this unless we are first willing to judge not according to appearances. By doing so, we are impressing the Law with a new idea of ourselves ....a less limited idea; and we are learning to think independently of any circumstances. This is what is meant by entering the Absolute.

Soul
My mind immediately tot of Z. We seems to end but we r no actually ending. Maybe there is a chance of revive.
My Pluto challenge.
But at least I knew he left me due to his own personal issue.

Second tot is on my writing.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (9) _ Natal Chart

Jun 20 Eve

Was updating my blog for Jun 6 and note that I was starting to shift from Z to writing. Realising I need to open up my need for privacy if I want to share my enlightenment.
Louis Hay and Oprah also shared their past, so I too need to pay the price.

Late night
Just finished watching TV. I didn't open my notebook. I don't have Z's tenacity. He said he make sure he spend 2 hours daily on his course. Well, I cannot be like him. Then start to have tots of him and I missed him and starts to cry. I really missed him and I am feeling sad cos the day is coming to an end. I will be fine. Just need to release the emotion when it comes. I need not hide.

Natal Chart
Saturn
Ur self respect and self expression may be limited, especially due to childhood problems associated with ur father. U can gain more power and a big payoff by understanding that negative conditions are neither permanent nor pervasive.

Soul
Yea, stay positive that my right partner will come. Stay positive that I will find the courage to open up to my writing.

Natal chart
Chiron in Pisces
Give some sagacious tot to how u can best help those who cannot help themselves. Do it reverentially.

Soul
I know hence my writing. But I don't and can't open it up yet. Even today, M and D asked me and I told them I cannot open up yet.

Innatalism - the doctrine that human reproduction ought to be discouraged in favour of radical life extension as chief means of perpetuating transhumanity - Mark Plus

Soul
I too believed this. I think we should get ourselves straighten out and become our full potential instead of just reproduction.

Natal Chart
With so much of our life unconscious, we r very much a kind of biological computerised robot. We can learn to program our own programs. Mark Plus had given it a go.

Soul
Yea, I am reading The Science of Mind and The Power of Intention, both to enhance my track.

Natal Chart
Erratic, eccentric behaviour. Find out who u really are, explore unchartered territory. Get together with different type of people. Fill a unique social niche.
Find a public forum to share ur inner teachings and self knowledge.

Soul
Suddenly had a tot. Need to browse thru the Net and put myself whenever I could. Find a right platform. Share my view and linked to my website.

Natal chart
Uranus
Share insights, realisations and revelation.
Destiny has dealt u with a wild card that can suddenly and unexpectedly connect u to past and future lives and to a great society.
The tone of ur life is vastly different than that of most mortal. Allow urself the luxury of several long vacations. Until u r on the right path for u, other folks can shock and disrupt ur life and lifestyle.
Get more involved with people who have both scientific and astrological interests. Make new efforts in new directions. Put urself in the center of a modernisation effort.
To fulfill ur destiny, u need to develop ur psychic and intuitive skills.

Pluto in Virgo
U r quite different from most people in that u r quite a bit more wilful. U r really an untamable genius and even a die hard rebel.
U r capable of about as much personal change as u decide. Dare to be a unique individual. Rather than reacting or responding to circumstances, try initiating change.

Soul
That's encouraging.

Past lives
Node in Taurus
U r ready to sort out and clean up old sexual and financial karma. U have incarnated to create ur own personal fortune. Ur future lies in changing ur liquid assets. Infact u will find ur spiritual path by becoming receptive to new value systems.
Fill urself through new areas of financial experience. Attune urself to forces from the future that are supporting ur efforts to earn money in more pleasant ways.

Soul
Great

Node in Taurus
The more u integrate the scientific method into ur lifestyle, the more u will come to understand fates.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (7)

Jun 20 Aft
Father, I am an expert at Self-realisation on the path to Self-mastery.

The Issue
1. Ordinariness.
Whenever, in whatsoever situation, u become one, a peace, a happiness, a bliss surrounds u, arises in u. U filled fulfilled.
U r facing a time now when this easy, natural and utterly ordinary approach to the situations u encounter will bring far better results than any attempt on ur part to be brilliant, clever or otherwise extraordinary.
Take things easily and simply, one step at a time.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Healing
The figure of this card is naked, vulnerable, open to the loving touch of existence. The aura around his body is full of light and the quality of relaxation, caring and love that surrounds him is dissolving his struggle and suffering.
When we are under the healing influence of the King of Water, we r no longer hiding from ourselves or others. In this attitude of openness and acceptance we can be healed, and help others also to be healthy and whole.

Soul
I know I am now relaxed and accepted the ending. Now is the healing time.

3. External influence
Stress
The essential man comes to know, to feel, "I am not separate from the whole, and there is no need to seek and search for any destiny on my own. Things are happening, the world is moving of their own accord.

There is no need for me to make any struggle, any effort: there is no need for me to fight for anything. I can relax and be.

Soul
This week my 2nd in command is on mc. Then there is also Isha volunteering. And I am thinking of my writing.
Aiyah, no hurry.
Father, its true. I tend to be affected by people.
Whenever I take something, I will deliver. I do good. If I don't do good, I feel my valuation dropped.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Conditioning
Unless u drop ur personality, u will not be able to find ur individuality.
The image we have for ourselves comes not from our own direct experience but from the opinions of others. A personality imposed from the outside replaces the individuality that could have grown within. We become just another sheep in the herd, unable to move freely and unconscious of our own true identity.
Take a look at ur own reflection and make a move to break out of whatever u have been conditioned by others to believe about urself.

5. The Resolution
Integration
The conflict is in man. Unless it is resolved there, it cannot be resolved anywhere else. The politics is within, between two parts of the mind.
This is a time of communication between day and night. Rather than day opposing night, dark suppressing light, they work together to create a unified whole, turning endlessly one into the other.
We r the union of eagle and swan, life and death. The card of integration is the symbol of self creation, new life and mystical union.

Soul
1st tot is on Z. I don't want the rship to end, but I cannot let it continue. Slowly but surely I accepted the ending.
Tot of me wanting to be famous in my writing and yet still hiding.
Just like Z is hiding.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (6)

Jun 20

Father, did my practice. I am fine. Also, not that sleepy despite not sleeping for sunday nap.
Had some tots of Z, but just happy tots, no drama and I just released them.
Sadness just a little but there is no longer any regrets on the ending. Its meant to happen. Neither do I judge him for not loving me, for not being strong and nor do I judge myself for not being lovable enough.

Destiny card said difficult ending but it didn't say about sad ending, so its up to me. Thanks for helping me see the mirror. I still have not find my answer on openining myself up on my writing. It will come.

The Science of Mind
All things are given unto us but we shall have to DO the taking. God gives in abstract, we receive in the concrete.

Soul
Another reminder that fulfillment of my Destiny is up to me

The Science of Mind
Should we learn to contemplate those things which are desirable and to forget the rest, we would soon overcome fear through faith. Both are mental. Let us learn to reverse the tots of fear transmute them into faith.

Soul
I have faith that God will give whatever I need to fulfill my Destiny. I know God will me only peace and happiness. My issue is in the taking. I don't have the faith that I can take all.

The Science of Mind
Absolute is in relationship to Itself alone. It is not circumscribed by any form but remains independent of all forms. It can easily create a new for for us or to perpetuate an old one.
Mind is the realm of causes. Conditions are in the realm of effects. Effects flows from causes and not from themselves.
Thought is the instrument of Mind. New thoughts create new conditions.
We must learn to think in the Absolutes. This means to think independently of any given or experienced effect. "Judge not according to experience". This thought strikes away the shackles of bondage and finds a new cause at work.

Soul
Tot of J, is this what she does?
I wanted to manifest Z with me. But I don't have faith cos even if we overcome the issue on being open, we still have to contend with children issue.

The Science of Mind
We cannot account for the seen without having faith in the unseen. All advance in science or any other branch of learning must follow this rule if it I to accomplish anything.
To believe in Life is to believe in the invisible.
We outwardly experience our states of consciousness.
Life responds to us in the way we approach It.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (8) _ Natal Chart

Jun 19 Eve

Whenever its nearing night fall, sadness crept in as another day passed since our separation. I still want him loads.
But this time, the sadness didn't exacerbate as my expectation of him has dwindled loads since I saw the mirror.
I am still not sure how and when I can open up on my writing. But I only know I don't want to be like Z. I don't want my fear of unhappiness to drive me.

Natal Chart
4 or more planets in Earth signs
If u find that u r becoming bored or depressed, you should realised that ur values are misplaced and that ur sense of security is false. If u r not happy, change ur status quo and embrace the unknown. When paralysed by fears and inhibitions, breathe deeply and move slowly and deliberately towards what you want.

Soul
I did it with Z. Perhaps now its time I did it with my writing.

Natal Chart
Five or more planets in fixed signs
Once u make up ur mind and are willing to pay the price, u usually get what u want. It may take time and u may have to overcome obstacles, but that is no matter. If u r committed, u r a powerhouse. After u overcome inertia, u r persevering, steady and stable.

Soul
I used to think its true. And with Z, I did persevere until it is time to end. Anyway, this is a good support.

Natal Chart
Extraordinary communication skills.
U r a "Mercurial Character"
Pay attention to themes of "twoness" and u can double ur good luck. Example, u can double ur income by developing skill as paid speaker and published author.

Supertalent and miraculous success
You have enough inspiration and originality to last a lifetime and beyond. U r so blessed that u make a natural minister. U r both wise and psychic. U be very good on stage.

Soul
That's good to hear as part of my fear is running out of juice for writing. My writing is based on real experiences resulting in me finding the insights. What if there is nothing to spur me and writing stopped.

Fantasy force is turned within
You are a bit self-absorbed with past difficulties and anger from the past. Sometimes u sail on wave after wave of uncharted space. In order to stay focused u need an annual retreat to distill ur inspiration and ur creative. U can make daydreams real. Its your choice; u can be a channel for higher or lower spiritual forces.

Soul
Yeap, I decide on higher forces. Just now suddenly checked on Z's msg and noted that he put on a funny msg, asking people to be kind. I laughed as I tot he is asking me to be kind. Anyway, I remembered we r off, so immediately did the mantra of affirmation, releasing him.

Natal Chart
Self-expression cooperates what will be.
Leave something that will survive ur name, Joy.
Ur work could put ur in the public spotlight. U do well in a field where u can express the full force of ur personality. U r likely to accomplish something great. Powerful people will become ur friends and allies.

Soul
That's great support too!

Natal chart
Instinct cooperate with concepts.
U have natural sales abilities. You can sell ideas, goods and services. U will get along great with people once u learn to give ur words emotional content.

Soul
That's true. I easily make friends and they are very comfortable with me.

Natal Char
Instincts challenge fantasy
U can learn to make excellent sales presentation and do creative work. Small sacrifices can help u obtain specific goals. U can be so idealistic that u need to keep ur world straight. Give urself and edge by clearly defining what u want and the going for it.

Natal Chart
Concepts modify affinity
Good ideas can spring from any conflict u experience between ur thinking and ur values. U have a somewhat different approach to love. Educate urself to the power of charm.
Become more aware of love by analysing ur value. Make an extra effort to communicate with wit, charm and affection.

Soul
First tot is my writing occur whenever I experience conflicts. Second part is about rship. I am generally unwilling to charm. I tot love should happen on its own. If I use charm, then it is not real.
With regards to communication, I told Z I am not going to pamper him. He also disliked that I called him an arrogant bastard. I only called him that when I am angry with him and because it is true.

Natal chart
There is something artistic about ur voice. Develop ur musical and dramatic talents. Learn to deliver ur lines with something extra.

Soul
Something here.

Natal chart
With a strong mind and good mental energy, u make for a brisk, lively communicator. For the most part, u r plain spoken and alert with enlivening communiques.

People want to see ur actions and leadership abilities. Demonstrate some courage and self-confidence. To really pursue ur goalds, u need an exercise pgm suited to ur individual need.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (7)

Jun 19 Aft

Father, just did an article on my break up with Z.

I also did volunteering work for Isha. A day ago, I would have tot of how Z will see, whether he thinks of me or etc. Especially since his parting statement was for both of us to promote and grow Isha and to forget about ourselves. I vehemently told him that is his target and not mine. Infact when he said he cannot be open on us because I am in Isha, I offer to come out.
Now, I no longer bothered. It is over and I can see my mirror. If I cannot open up with my courage, I cannot expect him to do so.

Father, I cannot open up my writing and I really don't know how yet. I now fully accept the ending of our relationship. No misery, no regrets, just acceptance.
What I now need to do is to get myself to open up on my writing.

Father, now reading "My books published, Now What?"
Compared to writing, selling your books successfully is a far greater challenge.
Most authors (96.9%) nowadays are responsible for marketing and promoting their own book.
We hate to say it...but from our knowledge and experience, we feel obligated to inform you that if you do nothing now, your book willl probably become a dismal failure, soon to sink out of sight!!

Soul
Suddenly I knew if I continue to hide, my dream of a famous Transformational writer will fade away. Just like I fade away from Z. I could have been his dream relationship.
The outcome between Z and me is the same outcome between me and my writings if I continue to hide.

My books published, Now What?
In order for good things to happen, however, you need to directly involve yourself to make it happen!!!

Soul
Again, need to open up and be involved directly.
Suddenly tot what a lesson. I never like to do/act. I normally give others direction. I encountered it first time when I was a child doing housework, I make sure I earned money so I need not do.
Second time in current company, I change the structure and now I need not do and can delegate.
Third, when I am doing my website. At first delegate to V but he is not free and besides its my baby. Finally, after breakup with Z, I started to find own pix and upload articles.
Finally, now its my book and I myself have to do it, open up and promote it.
Father, u keep the best for last. Now I finally have to open up and move my butt. Even before doing, I need to find courage to open up.

My books published, Now What?"
It may come as a gut-wrenching shock to learn that you're the one responsible for promoting and marketing your book, and that the success or failure of your book will be determined by the effectiveness of your own efforts.

Soul
What a perfect timing! My break up with Z, and me seeing the mirror of hiding and finally reading this book. I only download it last Friday. Insight on mirror - hiding only came in Saturday night.
Father, You really worked fast.

My books published, Now What?"

(Jun 27 - Father, I am feeling stuck. I should be letting go of tots of Z and focus on my writing. But since I cannot open up to my writing and I don't know how, I used Z instead to fill my mind. And it is not an intelligent choice...Aiyoh.)

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (6)

Jun 19

Father, knowing that I too unable to open up to my writing, just like Z cannot open up our rship.
Somehow, my anger against Z is gone. I perceived that he didn't like me enough to overcome his fear.
Now I too didn't like my writing enough to overcome my fear.
I am not confident of myself, just like Z is not confident of himself.
And I can understand why he deflate me in the end, just like I deflate my writing/my dream.

Open, loving rship is Z's dream. Self mastery/sharing is my dream.
Father, I just know one thing. I cannot let my fear of unhappiness drives me.

Just like I leave Z, my writing would leave me too. So, just like Z can't achieve his dream, I too cannot.

Father, I felt such calm. Such certainty that Z and I has ended and there is no hope of reconciliation in the short term.

Father, guide me on how to open up my writing.

Late morning
Tot of Z. He said he can be open with me if I am not from Isha. How can he decide where he meet the gal?

Then a tot came to me, u too question yourself why ur writing has to come from ur insights based on personal experience. Why can't u write some fiction so u don't have to open up ur self?? Why my skill has to open me up. I am private and I don't even like to have facebook and now I have to open up my all.

Father, now I know reason for the break up. Now I knew why the result is Jack of Club - writing. Now I knew why he is my Cosmic Lesson, Pluto and Cosmic Reward.
Now whenever I question or judge his behaviour on deciding not to be open on us, the next tot will come back to me and my writing.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (5)

Jun 18 Aft
Just woke up after nap. Tot of Z and I just repeat my mantra;
I am releasing myself from a relationship that was good but has now outlived its purpose. I set myself free for better relationship.

Then a tot came, I definitely need this break up, if I am to advise others to do so.

(Jun 27 - met 2 persons who also going thru the drama to break up. M is on professional and S is on personel/professional)

Jun 18 Eve
Now at orchestra. Of course, tot of Z as I came with him last time. I know why he can't be open with me cos I am in Isha. He is worried he cannot recover from me as he will go to Isha monthly. Its not becos of Isha is more important than me but its becos I am in Isha. And he would not be able to recover.
Great, another positive tot to affirm my lovability.

A alternative tot, he is ok with u in Isha. He just want to hide it. Then a positive tot came, that's because if others knew about us and we broke up. He would need to 'delete' them too.

Father, can feel sadness coming in. Every day, reaching the nighfall and I felt hope is gone. He won't change his mind.

(Jun 26 - the sadness is reducing.)

I just cleared away all the msg chats. Father, guide me through this. I was looking at the publishing doc and looks like it require loads of hard work in self promotion and marketing and I have to be at forefront. That's means I have to step out to the front. I am not sure if I can do that as that will means me putting up myself for scrutiny. When I am anonymous, I can write whatever I want. But if I need to open up, then I have to curtailed.
Father, not sure why?? But suddenly something click on these opening up of Z. But still not sure what it is.

Why am I afraid to open up to the world on my writing?
I am afraid to be judged. I am afraid if they find me not good. I am afraid friends knows about me and my life. I am afraid then it is me that has to face failure. People will know that I failed. People may laughed at me for wanting something out of reach. I am afraid I cannot be as open as before and need to curtailed. What if friends doesn't want to be with me since I write about them.

Suddenly a tot occurred to me, his fear of opening up has nothing to do with me personally.

Father, there is a mirror here.
He cannot open himself/me up to others.
I cannot open myself/my writing up too.

I cannot open up because I only tot of failure. Reading the publishing guide, I will fail as a writer if I don't open up.

Father, let me use Z as a mirror. I want to open up. I don't want to be like Z. By not opening up, I lost him.
Me, by not opening up, people can't have me. They can't have their minds enlighten.

Father, there is something here. Guide me.
I know I need to open up before I can be a published transforming writer. I know I need to open up before I can be a successful transforming agent.
Father, Z is so afraid he can't move. I don't want to be like him. Guide me.

Z hide me
I hide my writing

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (4)

Jun 18
Father, just did my practice. It was fine. Tots of Z came and I released. Towards the end I realised why we need to end our current mode of rship. It is to make us realise we r both lovable and we deserved to be in an open, loving and committed relationship.

Had a good swim. Floating well and not affected by others. Had good laugh and dance and float. Had a lovely peaceful time. I can breathe easily in the water. We are one.

Afternoon
Watched the romantic movie. The old gal and guy were separated for 50 years and got back together. Also saw the young gal. The old gal said how many Sophie, u think there are?
Suddenly I tot of me, how many Joy u think there are? Yea, I am one a kind. Like teacher said I even turn-back everything Sadhguru says. I am still connected to the Source despite not on veg. I am only committed to the practice, but not Isha.

Just woke up after nap. Tot of Z and I just repeat my mantra;
I am releasing myself from a relationship that was good but has now outlived its purpose. I set myself free for better relationship.

Then a tot came, I definitely need this break up, if I am to advise others to do so.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (3)

Jun 17 Eve
Swami Paramananda
Self realisation means that we have been consciously connected with our source of being. Once we have made this connection, then nothing can go wrong.

Soul
Read my card this year is of difficult ending, but leads to higher spiritual evolution.
I had tots of Z. Of course, wishing he would change his mind. Alas, just wishful thinking. I released myself from a relation that was once good but has now outlived its purpose. I set myself free for better relationship.

Father, a tot occurred to me. It is because I now know I am lovable that I have asked Destiny to release me from any relationships that demonstrate that I am lovable.

Actually I knew Z was game, but Destiny arranged for the msg on his ex-wife that caused him to spiral back. Later me ignoring him during sathsang makes him even more fearful and cause him to close up completely. And I couldn't leave him, so its up to him to leave.
So, instead of feeling disappointed, I should rejoice in my lovability.

This book, The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer was purchased a few years ago. I recalled I couldn't connect with it. I got the msg to read it when I was doing my practice. Coincidentally it has the same msg as The Science of Mind.

The Power of Intention
Aldous Huxley
The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination where a person gains what he did not have, or becomes what he is not.
It consists in the dissipation of one's own ignorance concerning one's self and life, and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening. The finding of God is a coming to one's self.

Hasidic saying
When you walk across the fields with your mind pure and holy, then from all the stones and all growing things and all animals, the spark of their soul come out and cling to you, and then they are purified and become a holy fire in you.

Soul
For the past few weeks, since I got back from overseas, I lost my psychedelic eyesight. But this afternoon, all the greens of nature jump out to me.
I also noticed I am now conscious whenever I eat. I would order cos I want to taste but I need not finished it.

J Krishnamurti
To be empty, completely empty, is not a fearsome thing; it is absolutely essential for the mind to be unoccupied; to be empty, unenforced, for then only can it move into unknown depths.

The Power of Intention
1. The face of creativity
2. The face of kindness
3. The face of love
4. The face of beauty
5. The face of expansion
6. The face of unlimited abundance
7. The face of receptivity.

Beautiful tots build beautiful soul. As u become receptive to seeing and feeling beauty around you, you are attuned to the creative power of intention within everything in the natural world, including urself.
Seeking beauty in the worst of circumstances with individual intent connects one to the power of intention.

Soul
Tot of me seeing the beauty in people, seeing the beauty in trees. I am slowly seeing the beauty in me.
The Power of Intention
The power of intention manifests as an expression of expanding creativity, kindness, love and beauty. It is the power to expand and increase all aspects of ur life.
The only proviso to this forward movement of intention is to cooperate with it everywhere and allow this spirit of increase to express itself through u and for u, and for everyone u encounter. Then u will have no worry or anxiety.

When doubt is banished, abundance flourished and anything is possible. We all tend to use our tots to create the world we choose.
Even when nothing seems to indicate that u r accomplishing what u desire in ur life, refuse to entertain doubt.

Soul
First tot, yea. Don't doubt even if nothing happens yet.
Second tot, things have happen, u r now working on a 4 days week without any change to ur lifestyle. U now have one hour of personal time at office to do what u want. U have ur website, u have ur blog. Ur relationship with ur boss is wonderful. U can do hata beautifully. U can connect with the Source easily. U now have instant guide with Osho and Destiny book. U have cleared the past with ur brother. U now can have physical pleasure.
Father, thanks for all.

The Power of Intention
Shakespeare declared, "Our doubts are traitors, and made us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt".

Ramana Maharshi, "Doubts arise because of an absence of surrender".

Soul
Tot of sending the Shakespeare's declaration to Z. But then it would be pushing it. Let Z find his way.

Father, I am releasing my relationship with Z. It was once good for me but have now outlived its purpose. I set myself free for better relationship.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (7)

Jun 17

Father, did my practice today and it was good. Had tots of Z. I just said released. And the tots dies off for awhile. So, had a couple round of released.

Just remember that I am lovable. Him not able to have an open rship with me is because he is afraid of being hurt and lose Isha too.
He also said he is not so strong that he can withstand his feelings for me. He said it is because he is badly damaged that he cannot open up his feelings.
It is also because I am lovable that I had to break up with him. I do miss him. Released.

Remember my affirmation
My affirmation for Nine of Hearts
I am letting go of relationships that were once good for me, but now have outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to better relationships.
Father, suddenly tot of fear of abandonment. The best lesson is to face it, which I am doing it now. I even went to the next level, walk out because I am worth it.

Day card
Seven of Heart
U will be tested to see just how attached we r to others being a certain way.

Soul
Today, I felt it more acutely because my rship is confirmed over. I have tried and even Destiny dictates its ending.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (2)

Jun 16 Aft
Father, thank U.

My affirmation for Nine of Hearts
Affirmation
I am letting go of relationships that were once good for me, but now have outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to better relationships.
Father, Z is in darkness now but I am going towards the light. That's why we need to separate.

The Science of Minds
We should learn to trust life. There is no power in the universe which wishes anyone ill. Life is good and God is Good. Why not accept this and begin to live?

We do not wish, we know
We do not dream, we state
We do not hope, we accept
We do not pray, we announce
We do not expect something is going to happen, we believe that it has already happened.

Soul
Mind said I failed again. I should hold on. Well, I was sad and now skin irritation also gone. Holding on would just make me sad.

The Science of Mind
Perfect love casts out fear, that is, confidence overcomes the depression of doubt. Mental depression can produce physical and financial depression.
To overcome fear is the greatest adventure of the mind of man.

The soul must make a complete surrender of itself to the Spirit. The will of the Spirit is peace, clear thinking and happiness.

Should we learn to contemplate those things which are desirable and to forget the rest, we would soon overcome fear through faith. Both are mental. Let us learn to reverse the tots of fear and transmute them into faith.

Soul
Just tot I finally learnt my Ace of Diamond's lesson. I no longer wanted partner who is not with me. Eventhough Z is near but he is not available to me. He cannot show up.

Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending

Jun 16

Father, I woke up around 3 am. Tot of Z. He planned the conversation. He wanted to end it. He wanted to pay everything off to ensure full closure. I am not sure, but somehow I feel ok it is finally closed. I don't want to judge him. I never had his experiences. He had his own path and I had mine. I have already cleared my Past. Just take him as a reminder not to go back to Past. I am not sure how, but I move on.

He does like me and want to be with me. If I am not from the association, we would got together openly.
He cannot be open with me because I am from the association. If we break up, he would have to leave association. He cannot afford to have his haven shaken. He would have nothing else. So, I am lovable but he just cannot take the risk. In the end, he is just self-protect as he has been badly damaged. I will give him space.

I needed the breakup to give me proof that I am indeed lovable even if someone decide to leave me. I broke it up because I want to be happy, I don't want to be in a secret relationship that cannot grow.

He needed the breakup to know how much fear controlled him until he cannot move. Father, protect him. On my part, I will not ignore him or give him hardtime during sathsang. association is his haven and only savior.

Father, again is unhappiness that drives people. I am now determined to make my website work. The world needs help to light up their minds.

Father, I am not sure. Could be crazy but somehow I know we will be together again. I guess that's the same confidence he had that I will call him back.

Such irony! I recall I had a Jack of Club as result, success in writing. Coincidentally the break up make me motivated to write as I want to light up minds.
Tot of writing to him but I ignore it. We both needed this break up. We release each other.

The Science of Mind
As Christ awakens, the divine spark - shot from central fires of the Universal Flame - is able to warm other souls by the radiance of its own self-unfoldment.
We give only what we have.
The Christ places His hand in the outstretched hand of the Universe and walks unafraid through life.

Soul
Yea. The rship ended and I am now determined to continue with my writing. I will drop Isha. Like I told Z, Isha is not my goal. I am still afraid. Don't know what the future hold. I just have to reach out to the Source whenever I am afraid.

Adventure
Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow
Whenever we move into the new and unknown with the trusting spirit of a child, innocent and open and vulnerable, even the smallest things of life can become the greatest adventure.

Soul
Tot of messaging him and said he is still a diamond so he won't feel bad. Then a tot came, he need to go thru the bad feeling to know he need to change.
Suddenly tot such irony I got his age wrongly when I read his Destiny card. If I had know his Nine of Heart Long Range is this year, I don't think I will got in. Alas, mistake happen for a reason. And if I had remember my Nine of Heart Pluto in Ruling card, I definitely won't go in. So, everything happen for a reason so that I can go in.
And the message of his ex-wife marriage came at the same day we were supposed to reconcile. It throw him back to past. So, again meant to happen.

The Science of Mind
God neither punishes nor rewards. Life is a blessing or a curse, according to the use we make of it. In the long run, no one judges us but ourselves and no one condemns us but ourselves. We believe in a law that governs all things and all people. If we make mistakes, we suffer. We are our own reward and own punishment.

Some suffer, some are happy, some unhappy, according to the way they contact life. No one judges us but ourselves. No one gives to us but ourselves and no one robs us but ourselves.
When we make mistakes, we suffer the consequences. When by reason of enlightenment and understanding, we correct such mistakes, we no longer suffer from them. Understanding alone constitutes true salvation either here or hereafter.

Soul
Suddenly tot I have completed my Cosmic and Saturn lessons with Z and hence I got good report.

The Science of Mind
We need fear nothing in the Universe. We need not be afraid of God.
Nature will not let us stay in any place for too long. She will let us stay just long enough to gather the experience necessary to the unfolding and advancement of the soul.
Nature demands the change in order that we may advance. When the change comes, we should welcome it with a smile on the lips and a song in the heart.

Cosmic Reward - the end of cosmic r'ship

Jun 15 Eve
Father, he is blur to feeling and I am blur to physical.

Father, he called and said all sorts of things. But it has ended. Of cos, mind say this and that but I don't regret having this last conversation. At last I can close this relationship without any regret.

The saddest part is that he tries to tell me he cannot have open rship with me because of the association. I told him that I accepted the challenge and I can quit the association. He said he would be sad if I quit it. I told him the association didn't matter much to me. I can go to India annually to have my fix. He said I am a good teacher and have potential. I told him that its not my goal. I helped temporarily, that's all.
He is a real survivor but I am a fixer. I need to have an ending.

Father, his Nine of Heart card is today and he closed the ending of our relationship. My Nine of Heart card initiated the ending.

I am sad that he try to comfort me and said we to grow the association. I told him that the association is not my goal. It is his goal. And this time I hang up on him. No more.

Father, the mind is telling me I am unlovable. But I don't want to go there. At least this time I put up a fight till the very end. There is a proper closure.

Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful.
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share.
And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at the crossroad, u say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other has been to u, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments u have shared with the other.
With no misery, with no pain, you simply separate.

Soul
Yea, I have cried my tears the other day. Today is just the final
closure.
Just remember he is protecting his parameter, just like me.
We r both grounded to our plans.
He did say he is strong and can defend himself for having feelings for me because he is badly damaged and cannot afford to give his heart to me. And he admitted that he was thinking about me the past few days too but he didn't want to call me.
So, I am lovable that he was distracted from his target.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (5)

Jun 15 Aft

Went to pay the monies to the accident lady. She seems appreciative. Who knows, this is my past debt. Good for her to encounter a good paymaster like me.

Still no reply from him, which I think is a good thing. Mind just said remember how he treat J. Noted but I am not J, I am someone he really liked.

The Science of Mind
We cannot come unto the Father Which art in Heaven except through our own nature.
As the human gives way to the Divine, in all people, they become the Christ.
Right here, through our own nature, is the gateway and the path which leads to illumination, to realisation, to inspiration, to the intuitive perception of everything.
The highest faculty in man is intuition and it comes to a point sometimes where, with no process of reasoning at all, he instantly knows.

For Christ to be found in us is to put off the old man, with all his mistakes and doubts, and put on the new man, who is always certain that he is beloved of the Father. The Christ always come with power and might, awakened by the still, small voice of Truth.

Soul
I just know I am changed. I am now having positive tots on romantic relationship.

The Science of Mind
The unfoldment of personality, the enlightenment of the soul, the illumination of the spirit - can come only to the degree that the individual himself purposes to let Life operate through him.
"Let this Mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus"

Soul
Been thinking of Z. He is not the arrogant bastard I tot of. He is truly blind, hence his first karma card of King of Diamond. And such a coincidence, because I am friend with boss, with Ruling Card of King of Diamond, I knew about their blind spot in communication.

Suddenly tot that this book is a great tool for my path in Self Mastery. Back in 2007, I read it intellectually, tot too much Christian thingy. Now I am seeing that it is possible as I have already found my connection to the Source

The Science of Mind
The answer to every question is within man, because man is within Spirit and Spirit is an Indivisible Whole! The solution to every problem is within man: the healing of all disease is within man; the forgiveness of all sin is within man; the raising of the dead is within man; Heaven is within man.

HOLY, HOLY, HOLY
Inner Presence, Great and Mighty,
Inner Light that shines divinely
Inner Life that lives completely
Inner Joy that smiles serenely
Inner Peace that flows so deeply
Inner Calm, untroubled, happy
Inner Love, that gives so freely
Inner Truth, that never fails me
Inner Power, that holds securely
Inner Eye, that sees so clearly
Inner Voice, that speaks supremely
Inner Good, that binds me to Thee

Lord, God within me.

Soul
I have experienced all the above and now it rung true with me.

The Science of Mind
Jesus spent much of his time communing with his own soul, for it is through our inner thought that we contact God. Out of the silence of his own soul, came a direct revelation of his Sonship.
Jesus was a man who knew himself and his direct relationship to the Whole.

Soul
Just read the poem of connection to Source. It rung true with me as I have experienced it. Amen.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (4)

Jun 15

Today I finished my practice earlier at 6.16 am. I then lie down and promptly slept for half an hour. I dream that I was running to go home but road is changed and I can't find my way home and there is no transportation. I changed into a big white mamal that runs very fast. Then as I was running I saw another mamal and I got bit afraid. Later I received a call from my brother that my mother was searching for me and I felt calmer and then I woke up.

This is a weird dream. But for the first time when I can't move, I changed myself into a transporter.

Suddenly tot of Z. He doesn't know what's his issue. I know, its communication. He doesn't know how to express his feeling.
If he has just said, "I like u a lot and I don't want us to end. But I cannot give the commitment u need now."
"I was badly hurt and scarred and I need time to recuperate. I am not ready for rship but unexpectedly I found u. I don't want to lie and say I am ready cos I am not but I really like u and enjoy being with you. Eventhough I cannot give u commitment but I only have u. So, please stay on. Give me some time. "

I may have stayed if he were to tell me that.

Its because he doesn't express his feeling that I have to go.

Father, we didn't end well.

Tot of saying this so we both knows: I msg him.
You hang up on me last time and until now still has not call me. Does this means u have decided that there is no more to talk and we are now off or u still need more time to think?
Btw, I ignored u last Sunday becos I was miffed at u for not calling me back and yet expect me to feel good.

This is not trying but I don't want to leave any regrets, any uncertainty.
So, on one hand I can say I am trying. So what, I want him. On the other hand I am trying becos I think m lovable and there is a chance.

Issue
Past Lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul

Soul
Father. What I know is that Z wants me and I know he can't change his plan yet. I don't know the future if we r able to compromise on our goals. But I want him now and I want us to have a normal rship. I want him to be with my family.
Actually, looking back. Things were going well, until he put the spanner block. Again, perhaps is his communication mode. And of course, I reacted full time.
What I know is both of us are lovable, but we didn't know. I tot I was unlovable becos of the past. He tot he is unlovable becos of his many experiences. And of cos, he should be more afraid than me. I remember saying I admire his courage to try again despite so many failures. And the thing is all the gals who dumped him was previously crazy about him. So, he doesn't believe in feelings anymore. Actually his problem is because he is unable to express his feelings. Whereas, I can express well becos I am open and not afraid to be vulnerable.

Father, have messaged him but no immediate reply.

My card for today is Three of Diamond, to express myself
His card today is Nine of Heart, emotional disappointment and personal losses.
So, looks like it could be OFF then.

Hey, who knows. Perhaps it could be our old rship of touch and go is off but new relationship is on.
Father, I am glad I am now having positive tots instead. For that I thank Z.
I am also happy that I still include him in my prayer despite our current situation. Anyway, whatever the outcome, I am glad to have been with him.

Father, I now knew that Z is not an arrogant bastard


(June 22 - While I am affirming our ending, but I still have him in my prayer.)

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (3)

Jun 14 Aft

Father, instead of saying he doesn't like me enough. Alternative tot is he like himself more and defending his parameter. Just the same as me.
Father, its not easy. I still think he would come back. Am I dreaming?

Just did shoonya and same tot occur to me. He is just defending his turf like me. Don't take it personally.

Suddenly tot of Fung Shui Master said about me being a worrier and taking other people problem as my own. Key msg; taking things personally.

He has stated his parameters since day 1 which I agreed. And now I back off as it triggers my parameters. So, its the same. Father, for the first time in my life I don't take a break up personally.

Another thing is that I didn't fix it. I just let it be. The old me would called him to demand an answer. The new just let him be. He has the right to protect his turf, just like I am protecting mine.

Mmm, looks like I have to pay for car damage. Hopefully doesn't exceed 1k. To me, a non-issue.

Evening
Finally got the price - RM550. Really Six of Diamond.

Father, tot of 7 of Spade in Neptune. My dad is in hospital, I broke up with Z and now accident. So many not good things happen and I am trying to see the good of it.

The Seven of Spades in Neptune period
The period could bring about either difficulties at work, illness related to travel, drugs or something secret.
Worry, unrealistic expectations and other negative habits will likely be the cause of any difficulties during this period.
However, the spiritual nature of this combination suggest that u could attain a high state of awareness and freedom of mind by being honest with urself and looking within for the answers to the problems u now face.
If u r willis to practice positivity in spite of circumstances. This is a card of Faith.

Soul
Something secret is my rship with Z. I broke it off cos I cannot continue without commitment. My fear is triggered easily.
Since it is difficult to let go of him as my mind is attached...I am more adamant to end the suffering by disconnecting with my mind

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (2)

Jun 14

Father, was sleepy today and such a long traffic jam. I got into slight accident. My car is ok. The other lady I think ok also. Hope she be like me when I was bumped from behind.
Suddenly tot of Six of Diamond, payment of value.

1. The Issue
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in and endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul

Soul
Father, not sure. Only thing I can think of its the unlovability issue. But this time I know I am lovable and that's why I end it. And I know he wants me but I don't fit into his plan. He doesn't really fit into mine either. But I was willing to compromise because I want him and I cannot be sure if the next guy doesn't want the same thing. I guess I compromise cos I tot there is none other coming. And I really enjoy him and him too. But I am not like him, I cannot compartmentalise.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Totality
Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts u can give yourself. Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step ur complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that u do.

Soul
I wasn't total today and bumped into another car. I was sleepy.
Also tot of just focused on the ending with Z, instead of dreaming about possible future with him. This would only keep me holding on.
Have to snap out of this. Just know Z is fixed to his plan and don't take this personally.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Adventure
Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow
Whenever we move into the new and unknown with the trusting spirit of a child, innocent and open and vulnerable, even the smallest things of life can become the greatest adventure.

Soul
I really want him. He has open up so many of my doors. We had so much fun together. I am worried I can't find another that can clique so well. When C call me, the first thing I tot of was the closeness that Z and I had.

Suddenly tot of Z. It would be best not to call me cos I would either talk of separation or going public. Both of which he doesn't want. He is in a survivor mode.

Anyway, ending is destined. So, I met and open up and now time to move on. I don't know what will happen in future. P is right, the old me would not dare to break it off cos worry I can't find another one. But the new me, wants more, wants a normal relationship. I want to be happy.

4. What is needed for resolution
The Master
The whole works of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify yourself from it. That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to man.
Now u can do and act on only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, give u contentment, make ur life a work of art.

Soul
I just realised what I had Z was pleasurable companionship. While we did open up our darkest secrets to each other, we didn't grow because no commitment. So, there is no rship. So, nothing lost and just remember what I have gained.

5. The Understanding
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share.
And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at the crossroad, u say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other has been to u, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments u have shared with the other.
With no misery, with no pain, you simply separate.

True friends, mature, easy with each other, natural. There is no urgency, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else.

U r no longer interested in all kinds of drama and romances that other people engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.

Soul
Yea. Just remember my Top 5 and my rship with Z cannot be there.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (1)

Jun 13

Yday sathsang was great as I just do my own thing. This time I didn't look at timing. I just proceed. I like the new place.
The only hiccup was M, I asked him to switch on music at 6 pm and he did it at 5.50 pm without consulting me. Then the music ended 3 min before the 6.20 pm. So, there were moments of silent. I just proceed at 6.18 pm instead. I will call him tonight that this is not logistic and he didn't follow instruction. Not the first time, it happen few times during intro session. I was angry but I had let it go. This time I cannot.

(Jun 22 - a few days later I spoke to him and he understand.)

Amazingly I was ok with the veg food at the restaurant.

When I was about to sleep, I felt such longing for him. Then I just fall to sleep.

When I did my practice, I had some tots of him during shakti that I ignore. I miss him and seeing make want him so. But of course, he won't know cos I didn't show it. Father, part of me know he will be back to me. Only thing is I don't know when.

The Science of Mind
Suffering is man-made, through ignorance. It will continue until man learns how to make it negative in his experience. Someday we shall decide that we have had enough suffering.

There is no devil, no hell, no torment, no damnation outside of one's own state of tot, no punishment outside of that self-inflicted, through ignorance; and no salvation outside of conscious co-operation with the Infinite. Heaven and Hell are state of consciousness.

The aim of evolution is to produce a man who, at the objective point of his own self-determination, may completely manifest the inner life of the Spirit. Even the Spirit does not seek to control us, It let us alone to discover ourselves. The most precious thing a man possesses is his own individuality.

As we enter into the One, the One enters into us and becomes us and is us. This is Mystical Marriage, the union of the soul of man with the Soul of God and the Unity of all Life.

The highest mental practice is to listen to this Inner Voice and to declare Its Presence. The greater a man's consciousness of this Indwelling I AM, the more fully he will live. This will never lead to illusion, but will always lead to Reality.


Jun 13 Eve
Father, looks like its off. But part of me had a feeling he be back because he wants me too. Now not the right timing.

C just called me and shared on her issue with her husband. This time I didn't go into her victim mode. I told her only she can help herself. She is in the marriage and she can decide if she want to suffer or not. Decision made and now is only the journey. Tot about me and Z. I have made my decision to end. I have already informed P and boss. I was surprised I could tell boss. So, I can now decide to walk in pain or in neutral mode when we separate.
I have kept the Expect in Miracle book as it brings back memories of him. Now I need to heal.

I recalled I didn't really connect
"You can heal ur life by Louise Hays" a year ago cos I am not sure if I could heal. But now I want to be healed.

You can heal ur life by Louise Hays
Affirmation; "Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable.

Cosmic Lesson (71) - wavering of ending (3)

Jun 12

Father, did my walk. Lovely walk and I just focus on my breathe. So little tots of Z. Yday when I did the desolation meditation, there was just a bit of sadness and thereafter its just dancing.
Father, I had no regrets. I have done my part.
I don't know why but somehow there is a confidence that he will come back to me once he settled down. In terms of self, he is on the low side, so he need to safeguard it. I need not worry about him, he be fine.

(June 22 - Guess this is partly due to me seeing his next year card - Five of Clubs in Pluto and Queen of Diamonds in Result. Anyway, not sure if he can handle his Pluto. For me this year, handling Nine of Heart in Pluto is not easy.)

When I was doing the walk, I wanted to msg Z how to use the desolation meditation to free himself. Then I tot why don't I share during sathsang instead. Yea, just let him go. No more personal contact until I recovered.

(June 22 - Did the sharing in sathsang and guided all of them into the visual meditation. I can see that they can be

The Science of Mind
Personality is what one does with his individuality, we should turn within (as have all those great soul who have blessed the world with their presence)n we should turn within and FIND GOD.
The INFINITE is personal to every soul who believes in the INFINITE.


Jun 12 Eve
Father, today sathsang is great. I am glad to help.
Saw Z and he deliberately touched my hand. Looks like he is still on to me. I just treat him as other meditator. Then he tried to catch my attention by saying I wear white watch, which I just ignored.
Then during dinner, I try to sit far away from him. Later, K brought me to sit besides him and I was then facing Z. I can see Z's face changed a bit. He just continue to eat and didn't talk much.
Father, I miss our talk. I wanted to call him but tot how, 2 rounds of discussion and the last time he didn't want to be 'openly' on with me. If I call him again, would be third time. I think it should be him calling me instead.
A tot came but he think he is unlovable. Aiyah, I already told him I want him. How many times does I need to repeat??
Such irony, me who is afraid to open up to declare now face someone who needs it constantly.
Father, forget it. Perhaps its just me getting attached to him, maybe he doesn't want me as much as I do. He has repeatedly told me its fine if I run away.
I recalled he shy off when I asked him if he liked me enough to compromise. He asked what is the compromise he has to make.

Cosmic Lesson (70) - wavering of ending (2)

Jun 11 Eve

Father, its evening. Sadness seeping in. Now negative tots start to occur.
Anyway, I am liberated. Its just my mind playing tricks.
What I know is the buck stops here, next call is his.

His Nine of Heart year is true. Firstly with me, secondly with ex. Same timing. I think he could have chicken out as he remembers the sadness he faced when rship didn't goes well. When he shared with me his dumping stories, I salute him for having courage to pursue.
So, same situation goes both. For me, I would take it that the other part has end and I too would start on my own. But for Z, it may be the other way. His strategy to counter was to be wealthy and complete his Phd. So, he would need to resolve this.
Of cos, tots came in said my timing is not correct. But looks likes its correct.
Aiyah, don't know lah. My mind is on.

Just did the meditation. It was transcending ur desolation. I found myself not as desolate. I was dancing to it. I also tot of Z and I said I accepts its ending. Coincidentally the article on Deflation, which is on Z made me remember how he couldn't break thru his issue. So, now I am doubtful he would change. Doesn't matter. What matters is I stop.
And coincidentally my skin irritation also stops early this week.

Father, I can see Z's problem. The old me would try to resolve it with Eight of Heart, thinking that it would help me. The new me would just leave Z to work on its own. Ultimately that is his lesson. I have learnt mine with him and I can move on.

He is needy and while on one hand he wants me, but he doesn't want to change to get me. He put the onus on me instead. Anyway, the buck stops here. I want him but I don't need him. Actually I am the strong one, I am more secure than him. But I don't want to judge as he has been through many failures.
Father, the time for pill has come. At first I went to eat. Then I tot if he does come back, ask him to wear precaution instead. Even the pill timing also perfect as it end this week. Nine of Heart is ending. Five of Heart is changing. So, just accept it.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (6)

Jun 11

Ravi Shanker
If u face challenges from a young age, that means God has greater things in store for u. Don't give up hope. Fight for ur destiny because there is a silver lining behind every cloud.

Soul
Tot of this for Z. Suddenly I tot I am his silver lining.

He was telling me about how his first gal dumped him and then ex-gal dumped him and then his ex-wife. All these gals are strong person and were crazy about him but in then dumped him. He is afraid of being dumped again.

(Jun 21 - I can understand as he has so many dumping experience. I used to say he is so courageous for wanting to try despite so many failure. Actually, I was also afraid but seeing how he pursued his dreams despite so many failures, give me courage too. Mine is not even break up as I didn't even step into relationship. It did not even start.)

He called me but our discussion didn't go well. In the end, he too admitted Option 2 he can't go. I told him, precisely the reason why I said no to him.
When I asked him if he like me enough to make compromises. He keep on asking about the compromises. And I knew he didn't like me as much or rather he is so fixed on his goal.

For a moment, I can sense myself shutting down and going for Off mode. But I stopped myself and pursue it like a negotiation. I want him and he too want me but he got more worries than me.
I told him we still have our touch/go and I want us to meet up at least once a week. I don't need to see him everyday and I understand his priority for business/studies.

Net net that I want us to have an open relationship.
He was worried that Isha people found out about us. I told him I don't care.

(Jun 21 - This is his main concern. Now reading his ESTJ gave me clearer perspective. He really valued isha and see himself as good citizen. So, the reason he quoted me is his ideal. I rejected it totally as I never plan to be a good citizen. Actually he did try to discuss about Options, but I cut him off as I told him 'hiding' is not an option for me.)

Father, this a turnaround for me for me not to take things negatively and run away.
The beauty is that we can discuss this sensitive topic of breaking up or going to the next level.

Just listened to Sadhguru. I am moving along right direction. At first I tot the door is locked. Now I open it and offer Z another option. To me, I am liberated. It is his call now.
I was willing to change and compromise. He is not.
So, whatever the outcome, doesn't matter anymore. The next step is his. If he doesn't want to change. I wanted to. So, its off. If he wants to change, I am willing to change with him.

Its perfect. Both of us unwilling to change. That's why have a different race relationship. It forces us to change.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (5)

Jun 10 Eve
Father, just did Isha Kriya and it was a mind blowing experience equivalent to samyama or IE initiation.

I just start with guru pooja and just continue with Isha Kriya. I was doing about less than 3 minutes of breathing in, "I am not my body", breathing out,"I am not even my mind". My head start to shake non-stop for about 1 min. Then when it stop, I tot to continue the breathing, but immediately a surge of breathe came out from my belly, forcing my stomach to contract and followed by new breathe coming via my mouth. Then my body was shaking, followed by singing and dancing.

I knew my energy went another level up and I noticed everytime I overcome a challenge with Z, the energy increased in me. My tot was how can I let go someone who elevates my energy level.
I wonder whether this is Cosmic Reward for me. Amen.

Called him but he didn't pick up. Can see mind whispering not a good sign.

Father, this is a case of worrying over nothing.
Now I knew why I met boss. She is my mirror in worrying. Worrying is having negative tots of situation whenever things didn't turn out exactly as what we expect. So, perhaps the trick is to change the expectation then.

Suddenly tot of Sadhguru's blogspot.
"You are a mystic when you see life as it is"
"If you cannot, then you are mistake"

Still no call from him after one and half hour. Then I tot instead of worrying about it, why don't I just changed expectation to tomorrow instead.
And besides if he can sleep means he is not worried about it and didn't have to prepare.

A tot came, if he likes me why didn't he fight for me to stay. A reply came he didn't fight cos he tot he is not lovable and u won't stay anyway. Why fight a losing battle.
The same as because I tot I was not lovable and cannot have him, I didn't even fight to have him. I just leave cos I tot I can't have him and that the door is close.
Father, we r two lonely people who thinks we r unlovable. In actual fact we r diamond and lovable.

Just called him and he is still sleeping. That's means he is ok and need not prepare. Father, a tot occurred to me. U need only to prepare if u want to win. He did try yesterday but I dismissed it. The door was open but I keep on thinking it was locked.

A negative tot came in. He is running away. Aiyoh. By now I know Z. Don't have to go that track. Father, I am such a worrier.
Father, him being unreachable cause me to have to change my negative perception or I be worrying unnecessarily and wasting energy.
No wonder he is my Saturn (Seven of Club) and Pluto (Jack of Club) and Cosmic Lesson (Seven of Spade).

Just send him a msg that I won't dare to send previously. I didn't dare to assert my right:
Mmm, bit disappointing that u r sleeping when we supposed to have our chat. :(

Anyway, I m going to sleep now. He is so confident that I stayed. I don't have to take the pill today. I can take 2 tomorrow when we sort out!

(Jun 21 - the timing is amazing. He found out his ex-wife got married and he was so emotional that he went out drinking. He cannot talk to me. This spiral him back to his past.)
Negative tots still come in. But I asserted that he would tell me if he didn't want to continue. Father, I already knew he wanted me. Why tots still coming just because things didn't go as expected? The mind takes every opportunity to make me feel small.

Z is my Cosmic Reward - Nine of Diamond
Giving up things, people or jobs that u once valued highly will bring many blessings and rewards this year. On some level, this is a year to let go of the past and prepare to move on to many new and better things.
Usually we are afraid to let go of things in our life, afraid that the loss will deprive us of something important and essential to our happiness. This is a blessing where u r protected and all completions will bring u greater fortune and happiness.

Soul
No wonder. I told Z that my past with brother is cleared because of me facing and overcome challenges with Z.
And now he is also triggering my long held belief that children is not good for me.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (4)

Jun 10 aft
Z is supposed to be a wealthy man.
But not aggressive enough
When business are not moving, he become complacent. He should be aggressive, determined.

Mmm, no wonder he can see me as lazy bum. No one has called me lazy before except for him.

Mmm, just had an idea
To me being a couple, means to grow together.
To realise our own personal dream.
For him is his business
For me is my writing.
And me, can be a CEO Coach, so he has me for free. I am always helping others, why don't I help my husband instead.
So, I am a good support to him.
That's great. Even tot of promoting myself. Actually I am a diamond too.

Me, a worrier and easily affected by people.
Tend to be too helpful and take over other people problem.

So, it is great that I took up meditation. And it is true. I used to take people's problem personally. Even company's problem, I took as mine. And now I know how to push back and asked my friends to settle their own problem. They cannot keep on asking me.
I start with Ja, then YL.

And being a worrier. When Z gave me the On option, I wanted it but I was worried if I cannot fulfill the terms. What if I don't like him after one year, what if I can't gave birth, I don't mind having one child but not three children. I was worried. If left to Z, he just bulldozed.

Actually throughout the teleconversation he was trying to tell me he had feelings for me too but I keep on ignoring it cos I was focused on the ending and I tot he only cared abt my body. And he even said sex is just an expression of his feeling for me. He cannot do sex with just simply anyone.
He also said he try to stop his feeling and so stop calling me. But I called him and his feeling came. But again I ignored it.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (3)

Jun 10

Father, did my practice. It was fine. This morning woke up with a neck tightness, probably slept wrongly yday.
Tot of Z's offer. He wants me, period. He is even willing to do whatever I want just to have me. He even went to the extent of saying he call me five times a day if that's what I want. When I said no, he said we cool off first and when I am ok, we can start again.

When I ended the phone call, I cried. I want him still but I just couldn't agree to his on proposal. I can't lie to him and it is his dream to have children. And he wanted me to be a housewife. Firstly my dream doesn't include children and secondly I cannot be housewife.

I know him but he doesn't know me. Tot of sending my INTP personality to him so he knows. But on second tot, why prolong?
Actually I was even willing to compromise at one child. But there is no way I become a housewife. I won't be happy.

He explained to me why he needs children. He said he doesn't have other interest, he doesn't fool around, he stayed at home so he need children. His view of marriage is traditional, just like I tot.

He even told me sex for him is a form of expression of his feelings. True, that is also stated in his ESTJ profile.
Aiyah, stop it. It is over. Father, I didn't expect him to feel for me too. I didn't expect him to give me the 'On option".

Aiyah, I just recalled that I knew what his plan is - marriage and children, even before I went into the no commitment rship. I tot I just go in and come out. I didn't knew I will face or be offered the On option.
Actually part of me is also afraid of being offered as I would reject. I knew it since our first date when he asked me if I tot about having children. I knew we be short term. But what I didn't realise is I want the On option but no children.

Father, it just occur to me that I too wanted the non-commitment option cos I knew I cannot take his On option because I didn't plan to have children.
I want a Hybrid option, On but marriage yet.

To me, I wanted to get to know him better. We are good for each other. We r both quite fixated on what we want. We just need to compromise lah.

I just msg him;
I didn't know our feelings are mutual, so wasn't prepared yday. Is there a Fourth option that we can compromise on?

I guess for me, I already knew I had to compromise. But he too need to compromise. We r both strong headed. Perhaps that's why we meet each other, so we can bend bit and compromise and in the process grow up.

What I want. I want an open rship. I want us to be a couple. We get to know each other more out in public, not just in bed. We can meet each other family. We can decide if we want to get married after 1 year if we r still on by then.
If and when we do get married. I only want one child and I want to work, I won't be a housewife. I need a maid cos I don't do housework and I want time off to do my writing and etc.
I want to have time alone with my husband, we grow and play together. I expect husband to spend more time with me, rather than with our child.

It also work for him cos he doesn't plan to get married like 2 years later.

I am happy with myself. For the first time I wasn't feeling negative about romantic rship, thinking its dead end.
He gave 3 options. I now counter offered with my option, but can discuss. I now can stand my ground and ask for what I want.
Hey, I have transferred the confidence from work to rship.
Nothing to lose, we can talk it out. We r both smart to know we want this to work and will find a way.
If not can still walk away, but at least we tried and there is no regret.

Three of Hearts
Creativity in affection.
We wanting to learn about love throu experimentation
We will not be making any hard and fast rship commitments until later

This is a card of self-expression, we r talking more, expressing our feelings and meeting new people.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (2)

Jun 9 Eve
Father, we shared. His criteria includes 3 children. When I said what if I can't have children, he said he knows all the medical specialist.

Father, I cannot lie to myself or to him. I just cannot imagine myself as a mother. Even one child I cannot imagine and here he wanted three children.

He did give me an On option but it includes children and I cannot commit.

He told me he control his feeling and keep on asking me how I feel before he can release it as he is afraid of being hurt. He told me he has feelings for me.

So, we are ending it. I told him I went into the relationship because I wanted him and I am leaving because I wanted him but I can't have him. And I also told him I am thankful to him cos he helped to clear my past. He is a good guy, a diamond, but just not my diamond, that's all.

All my drama. We ended well. Amen. I would miss him but I m fine.

Affirmation of Nine of Hearts
I am letting go of relationships that were once good for me, but now have outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to better relationships.

What is important is that I feel lovable despite the break up.

Cosmic Lesson (69) - wavering of ending

Jun 9 Aft

Father, when he replied my msg immediately that he will call me. I can feel my excitement and imagination of us together, the fun we had. That got me scared as I can see the dilemma of ending the relationship. I was also disturbed when I did shoonya.

I am not sure I be strong if he ask me to stay. I do have feelings for him and we really enjoyed each other. I asked for strength to say No. Then I calmed myself down, he already said he won't ask me to stay, decision is mine. So, no worry. Then alternative tot came, that's before he knew u r running because u want him.

Father, aiyoh. I have to do all kriyas to ensure I stay aware. Keyword to remember Universe dictate the ending.
Father, tots coming in about us. Its only personal attachment. I can let go. Besides YL calling me again. I told her she has created so much drama. She had decided to walk, and yet afraid to walk. She must learn to stand alone. Father, perhaps advice to me.
Let me not create anymore drama, let's just end it.

Was reading Z's card and hope arises. I stop it, don't go there as it creates more dilemma.

Affirmation of Nine of Hearts
I am letting go of relationships that were once good for me, but now have outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to better relationships.

Cosmic Reward - ending is destined

Jun 9

Father, Thank U.
When I was doing hata, I already can sense the difference in me. Somehow I got in deeper, I connected in some of the asanas and my mother asanas was great.
When I did Shakti, during kapala Bhakti, I was in deep. When I did shambavi, I was even singing.
In the end, while there was no expression, I knew I was in deep.

Father, at the start of practice, my mind was still issuing dilemma that I lost him. Then a tot came in, Nine of Hearts in Pluto, ending of rship. Then it hit me, this is the ending. And the same like Z, he too has Nine of Heart, but in Long Range. So, to him, it just an event and does not affect him. For me, it is a challenge to end. I also remember it said that I met a man from past life and had meaningful connection but there is no change to my romantic status. So, its clear now.
I then just said I accept the ending and I sense a calmness and the dilemma stops.

Later, when I wanted to wear my jade pendant, it slip out of my hand to the floor, and broke. A tot came to me, u r healed n the jade has done its job.

Father, everything pointed there. I will call him tonight. I will also give him the body wash on sathsang. His role was to heal my physical part. I am freed of my past and I can open up and enjoy physical pleasure and I am even good at it cos I like it.
Our rship need to end, cos my emotional door is opening and Z doesn't want it. That's why we r ending.
Father, thank U.

Ace of Diamond
Three of Hearts in Displacement
Emotional uncertainties and indecision may become a drain on ur energy. If u r feeling dissatisfied with ur current rship, u may find that the answer to ur dilemma is learn to provide ur own emotional security and not seek it from external source.
Three of Hearts often makes us very intellectual when it comes to matters of the heart. We tend to have our concerns rolling around and around in our head and attempt to apply all sorts of concepts to our situation, when what we really need is to feel our feelings and trust our experiences. U may find that u r doing a lot of soul-searching this year, a process of turning ur attention within to find the real answers.

Soul
Yea, if I used my mind, I can stay. First mind says no, then body say yes and I went in. But my feelings says no whenever he reminds me that we r for short term. It has been saying no silently but I ignored it because I was pursuing my path. And it was right, my Past was cleared and my physical door open and become clear again.
And now its ending, I still want to proceed further, out of greed. That's why the feeling exploded and cried out No more, No more.
Nine of Hearts in Pluto
This year u will likely have one or more of ur most important rship coming to an end. The time has come to let go and move on and yet, it may not be easy to do.
Either u r wanting it to end and that is a problem for u or u don't want to end and it is ending anyway.
Personal attachments may be surfacing that make these endings very difficult.
These endings could manifest as divorce, either personally or professionally.
If the endings leaves u disappointed in anyway, it is likely that u r emotionally attached to someone. It is likely that u have an internal conflict about this. There are probably two parts inside urself - one that wants an ending and one that doesn't.
If u can tune in to yourself, u may be able to resolve this inner conflict and reach a place of acceptance.
The Universe is dictating that the ending must happen. If u change ur perspective, u may discover that these endings are really the best thing for all concerned, and that includes u.

Affirmation
I am letting go of relationships that were once good for me, but now have outlived their purpose in my life. I set myself free to move on to better relationships.

Soul
Why I didn't read this when I was having the conflict throughout the journey with him. I tried to run away a few times. And this time it just happen, without me trying. And this morning I found my acceptance. The Universe further affirms it by breaking the jade. Amen.

I feel much better now cos earlier part of the dilemma is worried if I have completed my cosmic lesson as I don't want to re-do again. Looks like lesson ended.

Cosmic Reward - I am fine even in ending

Jun 8 Eve

I cried on the way home. He didn't turn up for the event and that means its the end. He is a gentleman and he wants to give me a breather to forget him. He may even stay away from this sunday event to help me further. Then it would be one month for me to heal. By then I reached my 44, a new year for me.

(Jun 12 - drama in my mind. He had something urgent and couldn't turn up. He wanted to call me but afraid I would scold him and so didn't)

Such irony, I entered into the rship because I want him and now I am leaving also because I want him.

I miss him but we cannot go back now. While there are regrets cos I miss him but I know its for the best cos the sadness is accumulating. And the sadness turns to repressed anger which turns to fat. This is the first time in 3 years that my weight/bulge increased so much. The suppressed sadness caused the child to counter in terms of food.

(Jun 12 - skin irritation has stopped and body is toning down again)

Father, I am fine. When I did my shoonya this evening, I was laughing loads. My joy remain intact eventhough external doesn't look good. But joy comes only when I goes inward.

Cosmic Reward - I am lovable even in ending

Jun 8 Aft

Father, this morning practice. I cried loads after I sent out the msg to Z and then I laughed. I also laughed in the end. It has been quite awhile since I laugh. I had some singing.

Just now when I did shoonya, I also laughed. Father, my declaration of defeat liberates me. There is no response from Z and yet surprisingly I am not bothered. Previously, I would be triggered by his non response over a simple msg. And here, I am not bothered at all over such a declaration msg. It can go either way. He could wake up and realised he want me still or he could just run as he doesn't want to make me sad. Either way he cares for me.

Father, I am fine. A breakthrough. A breakup that is so liberating.

Father, I have never tot of me as being a couple. I want to now. I will materialised it. I am lovable, I got both substance and form and thanks to Z, I know I am also good in other areas. I am prepared.

Its ironic, my rship with Z ended when I am liberated from the past with my brother.

The Science of Mind
The person who has learned to love all people will find plenty of people who will return that love.
As we attract to us, what we first become, until we learn to love, we are not sending out love vibrations and not until we send out those vibrations can we receive love in return.

Soul
I like people and people like me too. I am helpful and people helpful to me. I gave joy to people.
Now, I will attract my partner. I want to be in a relationship. Will see my Vision Book. Z has fulfilled most of it except money and he is not a willing partner. But since I found it in Z, I will attract it fully.

The Science of Mind
We live in Mind and It can return to us only what we think into It. If we r thinking of ourselves as poor and needy, then Mind has no choice but to return what we have tot into it.
It is done unto u as u believe.

Tots of failure, limitation or poverty are negative and must be counted out of our lives for all time. We must have a receptive and positive faith in the evidence of things not seen with the physical eye but which are eternal in the heavens. All is Mind, and we must provide a receptive avenue for IT, as IT passes out through us into the outer expression of our affairs.

If we allow the world's opinion to control our thinking, then that will be our demonstration!
If, on the other hand, we rise superior to the world, we shall create a new pattern.

Nothing is real unless we make it real. Nothing can touch us unless we let it touch us.

Soul
Father, I love me. Even if no one does, I do. I will take care of the child in me. I will let my whole being be expressed, a total me.

Despite this breakup with Z, I still feel lovable. Amazing breakthru.

The Science of Mind
The subjective state of tot is a power always at work; it is the result of the sum total of all beliefs, consciously and unconsciously held. The subjective state of all tot may be consciously changed through right mental action. The conscious tot controls the subconscious and, in its turn, the subconscious controls conditions.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (5)

Jun 8
He msg me around midnite:
Hi if u not comfortable with me..I do not want stop u run away..end of day the decision is with u..may be I bad guy haa !

My reply to him:
Sorry, when I m sad, I can't talk cos I m afraid I might cry. I admit defeat and I am not as strong as u, I have feelings for u. Its sad to be reminded everytime I can't have u.

Father, yea. I finally admitted my feelings to him. I also told him I am sad.

Now reading the msg and realised that he tot I am running away becos he is a bad guy. And he said he is staying put. He has no intention of abandoning me.

On the contrary, I am running away because he is a good guy and I want him. First tot was to tell him that but I stopped myself. Let me take care of my sadness first.
Aiyah, he is sad I am leaving. He tot I left him because he is bad guy. He really tot he was unlovable and no wonder he keep on seeking reassurance.

Anyway, my msg already said I wanted him but it was him that said I cannot have him.

We r both the same, two lovely persons who thinks that we r unlovable.

Father, I know my skin irritation is gone. I have released my pent up emotion and make my confession to Z. There is nothing lost. He now knows that I wanted him for keep.

Father, a tot came to me. I reacted yday because here I was holding my sadness because he doesn't want me long term. And he had the gall to tell me to keep it up. I then exploded to anger. I reacted because I tot I am unlovable and therefore I need to run now before he abandon me in future. Who knows, with my menses, the pent up emotion exploded. So, now he finally knows. Whenever he asked me how long I plan to be with him. I ignore his question because I was afraid he didn't like my answer.

Aiyoh, suddenly had vision of us kiss and make up over this blow up. We were hungry for each other. We survived our second major fight.
The first time was when I just left Singapore. I wanted to run but he won't let me.
This second time he did try to make me stay. But at night, he said he won't stop me and its up to me to decide if our rship is on or off.

Fact;
We both want each other.
I want him for keep. He want me for short term.
I am falling in love with him. He just like me only. He doesn't want to fall in love with me.

Father, I am not afraid to lose face. I am not afraid to lose him. This is me. If he doesn't want me, he can just go. I just want to be true to my feelings, whatever it may be. Even my feelings are not advantageous, not smart to me, they are my feelings.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (4)

Jun 7 Eve

Father, I was calm when I met him. I held a good meeting. I can see and speak normal to him. I tot I was fine and wonder if I make a mountain out of mole hill. The situation is the same, nothing change, perhaps I over reacted. I want him still and wonder if I should just continue.

Then I got into my car and about half trip home, I burst out into tears and was crying out profusely, "I don't want anymore" "I cannot continue", going on and on.

It was then I realised that its time to end, the adult in me want to continue, but the child in me is crying out. I will listen to the child. Like J said I tend to bull doze my lesson, just to get it over with as if I have a score to settle, an achievement.

Well, I cannot complete this. Perhaps I have completed this. I am now stronger after this rship with Z. The reason I am walking away is because I am lovable and I deserved to be loved. I need not settle for second best. I also know that like a crab coming out of shell, with Z's periodic control, it will only hamper my growth. I want to share my love, not contained it.

A tot came, perhaps u r emotional because of pre-menses. Maybe. But I also don't want to kid myself.
He said I was sensitive, which could be true. But that only goes to prove that I have to stop playing the game. Its getting too much for me.

He know I am running away and called me to chat. But I didn't want to and hang up and he called again and said he can sense I am feeling down and he knows I am trying to run away. He asked me why. Anyway, I rebutted and said since he is so clever, he can figure it out himself.

Father, I will miss him. But short term pain is better than long term pain. I think the child in me is looking for love and hence eating non-stop. For the first time, I have gained weight.

It is ironic. I used to plan how to end. And today it just happen. I hold on because I tot I cannot have another. Well, I am not settling for someone who wants me only for my body. I have experienced it and it took great courage. So, even if I couldn't take the final door, is ok. I need not prove myself.

My lessons. To walk away.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (3)

Jun 7 Aft

Father, while I hope for him to come. I didn't expect it.
Surprisingly he said he wanted to come.
Then I just msg that I hope he would come and I miss him.
He said that he knows and wants me to control myself.
I replied just let me be as it would find its level.
I am surprised at myself.
Now I know about the Aloneness card and I understand.
Father, while I want him, I also know I can walk away. But not now, I need to complete my course.

Mmm, is this what YL does. Keep on barking and the answer is No. I told her that at times we got to walk away with pride.

Today card
Venus
Nine of Hearts
Mental disappointment and personal losses on the affectional level.
This is the card of completions in love and ending of one or more key relationships.
If so, it is most likely that these relationships are no longer doing you any good. It is a time for them to end, whether or not u realise this at the time they happen.

When I read this card this morning, I tot not relevant. And here it hit me now.

Just like the card of Aloneness.

Father, I did the Choiceless card and it states about greediness, about proving myself. I also not sure what it meant. But I interpret it as staying.
I went to toilet, I cried. I said I don't want to continue. I can't continue.
Then I did transformation card. Its also about greed, to prove ourselves, don't care about results - looks like I am to go. But the drop the Past caught me.
I really don't know.
My mantra is Nothing to Lose. Actually maybe it now meant dropping him is Nothing to Lose. He is not offering me anything. I have come so far and there is nothing else to collect.
My only tot was for him to open my door. But perhaps I am too greedy.
Why focus on results? I had the courage to come so far. Perhaps this is the ending. I need not prove myself. Just like YL, the msg is to Walk Away.
There is nothing else to gain. He is not offering me anything. I have love to share but he doesn't want it and instead ask me to cap it.

Father, guide me.

Cosmic Lesson (67) - beginning of ending

Jun 7

Father, my practise is fine today except I slept in the end. Today was on the cold side. Had tots of Z during practise and I ignored it. Even if pix of Sadhguru also we should ignore, what's more Z.

Father, today I am feeling bit down. Two times I wanted to call Z yesterday. The first time is when I tot I had some trouble with my car and second time when I wanted to share about LK's father passing away. It was not an expected death but a blessed one as it is quick. The first time I ignored it cos Z would tell me I need to change car. The second time I called but dropped after 2 rings. I remembered my Issue for this week - Aloneness - u have to be a light unto yourself.

Father, I am bit down cos I am scared as he is already under my skin. He is the first one I tot of when I am sad, when I am afraid. I don't want to depend on him and I am not even sure I have the right to do so or whether he even wanted me.

Aiyah. He wanted me to. Last Saturday when I told about J, immediately he start to give me his input.

The Science of Mind
Since we are thinking beings and cannot stop thinking, and since Creative Mind receives our tot and cannot stop creating. It must always creating something for us. What It will make depends wholly upon what we are thinking and what we shall attract will depend upon that on which our tots dwell.

Soul
Exactly the same msg as Expect A miracle which I read yday. What a coincidence.

The Science of Mind
Our tots make our world and and peoples it with our experiences. By the activity of our tot, things come into our life and we are limited only because we have not known the Truth. We have tot that outside things controlled us, when all the time we have had that within which could have changed everything and given us freedom from bondage.
There is no power in the Universe but ourselves that can free us.
Someone may help us on the road to realisation but substantiality and permanence can come only through the consciousness of our own life and thought.
Man must bring himself to the place in mind where there is no misfortune, no calamity, no accident, no trouble, no confusion; where there is nothing but plenty, peace, power, Life and Truth.

Soul
I am a happy person and I generally attract happy situation. Z is hardworking and generally attract situation he has to work had.
I am attracted to the goodness in Z. I know he makes a great husband and he will take care of me. I am also attracted to him allowing me to be free. A tall order, I want to be free to do whatever I want and yet to be taken care of if I need it.

The Science of Mind
Law of Reflection. If u want a friend, be a friend.

Soul
Does this means if I want a boyfriend, be a girlfriend. I have never been one. Z said he is my boyfriend and yet until now I still cannot say that I am his girlfriend.
Interesting. I keep on saying Z didn't want us to be a couple but he was the first to declare he is my boyfriend.

Father, I just realised that I have never tot of myself as someone's girlfriend. Maybe that's why M also said she cannot imagine me as someone's girlfriend.

Actually buying the body wash for him was spontaneous by me. A first time for me. I have never bought a man something because I wanted to. He didn't ask for it.

Yea,,visualise me as a girlfriend.

Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (2)

Jun 6 Eve

Father, my friend's dad just passed away. Previously I would have just text her, which I did. I wouldn't have call her. I am glad I did and we chatted a bit.
Just now I tried to call Z, but I stop cos I don't want to depend on him. I can't depend on him. Tears just came. Partly tears of condolence for my friend and also some tears for myself. I have no one to share my feelings.

My issue for the week; Aloneness - Be a light unto yourself.

When I was watching the korean drama. I saw the guy smilingly received the call from the gal he like and the next moment switched off the phone when he received a call from the gal he doesn't.

Tot of what Z told me. He said when he respond to a person, that's means there is something going on. I guess that's was his msg to me. Yea, he wants me to be with him.

Expect a Miracle
Simply allowing yourself to have ur "dark" feelings loosens their grip.
The only way out is through. Accept where u are, and to forgive urself. Forgive urself.
Accept all the different aspects of urself, rosy or not. U r where u r because it was the best you could do up to now.

Soul
That's a difficult part for me. I was afraid of having the feeling. I avoided it. Now that I am with Z, the dark feeling came. I have learned to see it as a happy problem instead.

Father, a tot occurred to me. When Z made the deal to have a fling with me, he wasn't that much into me. He just wanted a companion as he was lonely. But I am so lovable that I am getting into his skin. He does not and cannot let go of me.

Like YL said, I am hard to ignore as I bring light to the room.

Expect a Miracle
If u r not using ur core energy with the intention of shifting ur potential, u r passively directing all ur creative output to the old habitual stuff.
Our tots, our focus, have to go somewhere, so if we don't consciously bring them to the image we wish to manifest, all of that energy will go right into making reappear the scenarios we so wanted to leave behind.
One way or the other our attention supports and grows whatever it focuses on, so now is the time really to decide on and make happen the vision of ur perfect mate.