Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (4)

Jun 7 Eve

Father, I was calm when I met him. I held a good meeting. I can see and speak normal to him. I tot I was fine and wonder if I make a mountain out of mole hill. The situation is the same, nothing change, perhaps I over reacted. I want him still and wonder if I should just continue.

Then I got into my car and about half trip home, I burst out into tears and was crying out profusely, "I don't want anymore" "I cannot continue", going on and on.

It was then I realised that its time to end, the adult in me want to continue, but the child in me is crying out. I will listen to the child. Like J said I tend to bull doze my lesson, just to get it over with as if I have a score to settle, an achievement.

Well, I cannot complete this. Perhaps I have completed this. I am now stronger after this rship with Z. The reason I am walking away is because I am lovable and I deserved to be loved. I need not settle for second best. I also know that like a crab coming out of shell, with Z's periodic control, it will only hamper my growth. I want to share my love, not contained it.

A tot came, perhaps u r emotional because of pre-menses. Maybe. But I also don't want to kid myself.
He said I was sensitive, which could be true. But that only goes to prove that I have to stop playing the game. Its getting too much for me.

He know I am running away and called me to chat. But I didn't want to and hang up and he called again and said he can sense I am feeling down and he knows I am trying to run away. He asked me why. Anyway, I rebutted and said since he is so clever, he can figure it out himself.

Father, I will miss him. But short term pain is better than long term pain. I think the child in me is looking for love and hence eating non-stop. For the first time, I have gained weight.

It is ironic. I used to plan how to end. And today it just happen. I hold on because I tot I cannot have another. Well, I am not settling for someone who wants me only for my body. I have experienced it and it took great courage. So, even if I couldn't take the final door, is ok. I need not prove myself.

My lessons. To walk away.